It’s been a long time since i blogged anything.
That’s not to say that my brain stopped thinking any less or that i didn’t have it in me to write, but i forgot how to be me. I guess that sounds stupid right? But i’m sure some of you will get what i mean.
Reality has a horrible way of crashing in when you really don’t expect it.
It started with the crying. Not the odd tear that trickles slowly down your face and drips off the end of you nose. No i’m talking real crying. The kind where you almost forget why you’re crying in the first place and it seems to be about everything. The kind of crying where you sob and sob until you almost want to throw up and yet still you can’t stop. It’s all bottled up you see, people like me we don’t cry. We’re strong, we’re warriors and we’re there for everyone else like some storm weathered rock that just keeps on standing. But even rock wears away eventually because the truth is we just forgot to be there for ourselves. Then we crumble.
The crying? It was all over a shoe. Yes, you heard right, a shoe.
As usual i was late, as usual i was tired and as usual everything hurt. i just couldn’t reach down far enough to tie that darned shoe and that was the start of it all. I screamed, i cried, i raged and i threw that hated shoe clean across the room. That day i went to work in trainers and i lied to my boss. I told her my shoe broke and i didn’t have time to get a new pair. I lied to myself and told myself the shoe broke. So i went and bought a new pair that didn’t have laces.
Now i guess at this point most people would have faced up to the fact that they couldn’t tie their shoe because their weight was stopping them from doing it. Weight that made it hard to bend down but that also made every joint hurt so that you literally cannot make natural movement. Most people would’ve faced up to the fact that this was also about more than just a shoe.
I think perhaps i was so used to feeling so bad about myself, no matter what size i was, that this was just normal for me. I dismissed the pain in my knee as a sign of getting older, i ate donuts for lunch to make myself feel better and i pushed it way, way down back where it belonged. How ironic that the thing that is your biggest enemy should be the one thing that can make you feel better. Food. Food was my best friend of all. It didn’t judge, it didn’t let me down and it was always there when i needed it.
Day’s rolled by and i did what i do best. I smiled, i put myself out for others and i put everybody else before myself. Perhaps i’m losing some of you here, it’s hard to get you to understand what it’s like to be overweight, to have such a lifelong ingrained hatred for yourself that it turns you into somebody that you really aren’t. To a point where you focus your whole world on everything and everyone else just to avoid having to face up to the truth. You just hate yourself so badly that nothing and nobody can do anything to change it. A hatred that doesn’t go away with weight loss or makeup or a nice new outfit.
But you’d never know.
I’ve learned to hide it so well. I don’t want to seem weak, i don’t want to be an object of anyone’s pity. I don’t need any more negative validation that i already have right now. I do that just fine all by myself. If you know me i’m sure you’re very surprised by this. I hide it well don’t i? I’m sure you’d never guess.
You’ll never guess because I’ve learned to be outwardly everything i want to be inside. Happy, accepting,valued. You look desperately for some small sign of something from people in your life to make you feel like you really are worth something, yet all the while the overwhelming hatred burns away in the back of your brain. So you lose yourself in other peoples lives, overcompensating for everything that is lacking in your own. All the while you just want somebody to say ‘Hey, let me help you carry that for a while, lean on me, together we got this’
I call myself names you know. I look in the mirror and hiss ‘stupid fat ugly cow’ at myself several times a day. Just in case i forget to remember.
But life has changed a little lately. I found out the hard way that in the end you just have to be there for yourself. The only person that is going to help you pick yourself up from the floor is you. So i’m trying. I’m working so hard on fixing all of the things that i see wrong with me and trying to be somebody i can accept even if that person is somebody i will never love. I’m trying hard to look in the mirror and accept that i’m really an okay person. I can’t promise that i will ever be happy but at least i can be sure that the only thing looking back at me from the mirror is me.
It’s not about the weight loss. It’s not even really about the shoe. It’s about being able to crumble when you need to and accept that it’s okay not to be okay. It’s about not hiding behind excuses and about learning to be happy with who you are. It’s about not always having to be strong.
Life is actually horrifyingly short. You don’t get a do over, there is no rewind button or collect $200 and go back to the start. You just have to do the best you can with what you have and learn to value the important things and learn from your mistakes. Me, i’m on a journey. A journey to learn to like myself and to learn to accept help when it’s given. I’m learning that nobody can be really that strong if the foundations are weak and i need to build on that. I’m learning that it’s okay to let somebody else help you to carry your burden.
Best of all i can tie my shoelaces again. I walk around grinning like an idiot because i can feel my jeans falling down and i know that i can get where i’m going. So if one day you see a slightly overweight girl hitching up her jeans, don’t judge, just laugh with her and help her feel good about her goals.
Maybe one day i’ll feel beautiful.