well yet again another day off has been taken over by training and whilst i appreciate the chance to learn and enhance my skills another part of me cant help but wish that days off actually did mean days OFF. So the episode really didnt bode well when being the only person from my branch to attend this session, first the bus was late and then got stranded behind a broken down lorry at a very busy junction aarrgghhh MOVE!!! At this point having failed to have the foresightedness as to bring along a contact number im frantically texting my nearest and dearest pleading with them to call and make excuses of impending lateness on my behalf as a very couldn’t care less polish bus driver quite happily drove the bus over a grassy verge narrowly missing a lamp post.Not being remotely catholic it was rather ironic at this point that i remembered every word of the hail mary!! All this would have been plenty for anyone and had i been less of a laid back person i would’ve been rather stressed and deciding fate was trying to tell me something but no barely ruffled i carried on until i discovered to my dismay that the bus actually went nowhere near where i needed to be. Realising some very swift walking was in order ipod was duly switched to running tracks and i actually made it to the trading estate in a very impressive time but then faced with a never ending sea of identical buildings and a maze of roads to follow i realised i had no idea which way to go and then yes the calm did ruffle and after ten minutes of walking in circles becoming increasingly late a desperate phone call to work was in order with me wailing ‘i’m lost’ down the line to an unruffled secretary. Of course eventually i made it, tumbling through the door to a silent room scuttling apologetically across to my chair and giving my very best drama queen scenario of the afore events. So sitting through 3 hours of training only broken by my mouth blurting out CHOCOLATE in response to the question happiness is…..? we managed to reach the end and the tutor did the ritual rounds of the room asking if everyone had found the course informative and helpful. Heads duly nodded and replies of yes, great, very helpful flowed forth until it came to me.Now even as my mouth formed the requisite response of ‘yes very helpful’ brain suddenly takes over and shrieks..BUT its all very well and good but hardly practical is it??’ Okay horrified silence follows and 10 pairs of eyes swivel my way whilst by now my eyes have popped wide open and a mental hand has clamped itself over my mouth and is trying to drag me under the table hissing ‘shut up..SHUT UUUP!!’ Even now i think i could’ve rescued the situation by nodding sagely and mumbling yes yes all very helpful and then staying silent but no!! Mental hand is still over my mouth and brain is mutinously stating NO!! i WILL have my say!! Well by now all hope of sensibility is gone and brain proceeds to bypass common sense and launch into a lecture on ideals in principle versus in practicality. It’s at this point dawning on me that the tutor expected a quick round of ‘very helpful thankyou’s’ before despatching us all off home and clearly wasn’t expecting some mad woman preaching from a very large soapbox in the middle of the room. Even ritual reciting of ‘okay shut up now’ did little to stop my opinionated little diatribe and i actually came to the conclusion that perhaps they would’ve been well advised not to stop at me when doing the rounds. I find when i have strong opinions on something and feel passionately about the cause i tend to state my piece first and worry about the consequences afterwards. Of course i did quieten eventually and wandered off in the direction of Mcdonalds for a rare junk food fix to refuel depleted brain power. And sitting cross legged on the floor by the bus stop i was happily scribbling away on an envelope for my blog when a posh cockney voice floats over my shoulder and says ‘Did you know youre a genius’ Now i guess calling a cockney voice posh is somewhat of a contradiction but this is the best way i can describe it as an elderly gentleman leans down to catch my eye. A genius?? Me?? ahhhhh because im left handed is the explanation. Apparently many of the worlds genii were left handed , a fact that i never knew. Well fancy that!! me..a genius!!
And so just when all seems set for the future a door opens and i hastened to shove a foot in it quickly before it closes again. I must confess it tickles me at the thought of being a student again but thankfully i must have impressed somewhere so business and administration level 2 here i come. Now i cant quite envisage quirky little me in the business world but at least it is a step in the right direction towards a career in which to flex my brain matter a little more. I must say the thought of lil ole moi in a skirt twirling on a computer chair glasses perched jauntily on my nose makes me chuckle and i cant help mad images of myself, satchel on back, trudging into college from popping into my head. So two weeks in which to brush up my word processing skills before nice shiny new tutor and i get down to the business of business….i wonder if i should sharpen some pencils??
I’ve come to realise that there are just some things in a job that have to be expected and some things which are tolerated which may not be so in the outside world. In my line of work long unsociable hours, rudeness, bad manners and impatience are all pretty much the norm and you learn to try and ignore these things as hard as they seem at the time, reminding yourself that at least you are working whilst many others are not. You learn to be subservient to people who appreciate little and demand much and tell yourself it all comes with the job and there is little you can do about it and truth be told that is pretty much the case. But then there are the things that are harder to tolerate, abuse both mental and physical and i have been on the receiving end of both on many an occasion but it unlike other things never gets any easier to deal with. Having again tonight been on the receiving end of physical violence i found i had to fight very hard within myself not to get up and leave but like so many i know i cannot and accepted it and stayed knowing very well that tomorrow the very same thing could occur yet resigned to the fact i have little choice for it is all in the nature of the job. But even this will fade somewhat and i will find myself carrying on until next time but there are some things i find harder to deal with and in all honesty i am not sure i want to come to a point where i bear them with ease for i believe this would make me harder hearted than i would ever wish to be. Having today learned of the passing away of a person whom only yesterday i was caring for, i confess this has affected me more than i let on to anyone. Aside from distant memories of grandparents i have never known anyone who has died and never had to face nor deal with it yet today this was so much closer than i would have believed. I find it so very hard to accept that yesterday i was washing and dressing this person and chatting away and now suddenly they are not here and i suddenly am doubting myself.Did i do enough? Did i care enough? Was everything i did enough to have made their last day how it should have been? For i do not think i could live with the thought that i did not do everything to the best of my ability and therefore have failed in my duty when it was needed of me most. And yet i know i always give my best but it does not stop me looking at the door as i pass and knowing someone is missing and i feel more than a little sad. In all that this is an inevitable part of life i find that this is not something i wish to get used to, never do i want to care any less than i do right now and i hope every one affects me as much as this is right now. And while my thoughts are with that person i wish for them whichever happy place was of their belief and for myself i try to remember that it is all in the nature of the job
I had a dream that i walked on golden sands, aware i’d never been there before and yet i knew exactly where i was. A man walked beside me and took my hand and although i’d never met him i knew i’d always known him and that my life was somehow intertwined with his,sometimes apart but somehow always together.
I had a dream that i walked on golden sands listening to a voice telling me about the world and everything in it and although these were things i knew i felt i was learning for the very first time. Colours became brighter and every sound so clear and new and i learned all over again what a wonderful place the world can be.
I had a dream i walked on golden sands and time went by so slowly and yet all too quickly it was coming to an end.Then i was no longer walking on golden sand the day was dawning and everything familar was gone until a hand took mine and a smile i knew told me i didnt need the sand to live within the dream for i had only to open my eyes and see what was right there before me.
But sometimes i still walk on golden sand and i smile…just sometimes
Any of us who follow the news will have seen the story of Georgia Davis, Britain’s fattest teenager who at 63 stone had to be rescued from her home for a life saving operation by a team of 40 men. Although this in itself was rather upsetting i think the thing that upset me most was the reaction of the public to this situation as reading online i found various sites with untold comments on the story. ‘Wire her mouth shut’ said one, ‘lock the fridge’ stated another whilst further yet someone else declared airily ‘oh i feel skinny now’. Myself i stared aghast at these unfeeling dismissive comments, not truly believing what i was reading. Is this really the people that we have become?? Where is the sympathy? The empathy?? It seems there was very little of this except on my part as i felt such compassion for a girl trapped in her prison of a body but then i wonder if such compassion and sympathy can only come from experience. Once long past having been considerably overweight myself i know very well the despair, loneliness and self hatred that becomes your life and i do not have to delve very far to resurface those feelings along with that overwhelming thought that there is no way out from it all. I guess it is so easy to sit in judgement in others for didn’t she and others like her make herself this way by consuming more than was normal for someone her age? Perhaps this is so, in essence we know it to be true but i find many people in these situations are simply just so ill educated in these matters that they know little better. Denial is a huge companion and it is amazing how much you will not see if you do not wish to do so. As life goes on you find yourself riding a see saw of knowing you are obese and comfort eating because you hate the fact that you ARE obese it is a vicious circle that is very hard to get away from and it often takes a sharp shocking reality to bring everything into focus. So yes i have deep commiseration with a young girl who should be living the time of her life and for those so scathing and cold hearted i have nothing but contempt and the hope that they never find themselves in such a situation so deserving of the thoughts and humanity of others and finding none. And for Georgia, there is hope..there is always hope.
Its a very rare occasion when i find it hard to sleep. Usually a dose of sci fi and accompanied by an assortment of weird nocturnal contemplations i hit the pillow and wander off to the land of nod only emerging in daylight when i resemble a rumpled up hedgehog. Of course there are occasions when mid sleep my bladder will tug insistently at the bottom of my pyjama top wailing loudly ‘wake up i need a WEE’ and then a semi conscious crawl to the bathroom is required but for the most part i sleep soundly. But not so this week!! oh no!! this week 3am and i have become very close friends accompanied by 2am and 4am with an occasional appearance by 5am in case we get bored. Infact last night we were all having quite the party until rudely interrupted by some errant sheep insisting i count them. Hey what a great idea!! have you ever tried to make sheep stand still at 4am so you can count them? Oh well i have and trust me they aren’t very compliant, infact i swear they purposely did the opposite just to rile me and thus that task went out of the window. So traditional remedies? Hot milk….hmmmmm okay yuk i cant abide milk at the best of times let alone hot so perhaps it is advisable to pass on that one even thoughts of it make my stomach roil. Hot bubble bath?? hmmmm not a good idea at 3am i don’t think so maybe we’ll have to abandon that one too. Meditating?? Again maybe not, have you ever tried to make all the voices be quiet at the same time? Rather like trying to teach a classroom full of 3 year olds i would think!! okay so i’m joking there but i freely admit i think too much and find it very hard to switch off my brain even in sleep, hence the many weird and wonderful dreams i have. So now daylight is here and if i thought my cognitive functions were greatly suffering yesterday then they are even more so today. Having already tried to put furniture polish into the refrigerator and having been upstairs multiple times forgetting my purpose upon reaching the top i have come to the conclusion today is going to be a very long hard day. Hovering with impending doom is the late shift, hiding in the wings like some grim reaper waiting until the time is right to come and spoil my day. Uncharacteristically i find today i will struggle with patience and will have to dig deep to drag out a smile for i do not want to smile and be nice to those unpleasant individuals undeserving of it, i’m tired and i want to hide under my duvet and sleep. oh sleep….if only!! Now where did i put the polish???
As a fully fledged member of the dating world i do find a certain humour in the total lack of reality in the whole process. For sure there are those genuine persons quite happy to adorn their profiles with true representations of themselves , flaws and all, seeking a fellow loveless soul of equal veridicality but equally there are those who, for reasons unbeknown to the rest of us, choose to embroider the truth and often this can cause controversy when meetings arise. Personally i cannot help but wonder at those who choose to deceive for surely are they not going to be discovered once face to face with the object of their desire and then?? I cannot figure if they assume their transgressions will be ignored and their date fall blissfully into their arms not noticing a rapid ageing from screen to reality of a decade or more? Or in the case of a correspondance of mine the appearance of a totally different woman who quite blithely admitted to obtaining a profile photograph from the internet and further still was astounded when said gentleman did not wish to continue their affaire de coeur. And then there are those i find i encounter most, those latent misogynists laden with baggage from every relationship throughout their entire lives, bitter cynics who are quite happy to impart this to any member of the opposite sex unlucky enough to befall them. Usually i give these pessimistic personages a wide berth but i must confess i recently found myself the victim of one said such person.Ultimately to my only minor shame i own that i uncharacteristically yet happily sought to enlighten him upon his narrow minded failings. Having brought to his attention the existence of those capable of truth and forthrightness i wonder if perhaps his lack of reply is due to his activity on the merriam-webster dictionary doggedly deciphering a clearly unexpected intelligent missive from yours truly. oh what a tangled web we weave…i couldn’t have put it better myself Mr Scott
i doubt there is a single one of us that hasn’t at one time or another gazed into the night sky and marvelled at the beautiful array of stars shining like a glittering carpet above us. And invariably your eyes will be immediately drawn to the largest, brightest most effervescent one of all, we in this are akin to magpies drawn to the bright, the sparkly and the most blatant. But as any astronomer will tell you it is not always the brightest most visible stars that are the most candent or the most fascinating and i find the same is very true of people. We are all drawn to the visually perfect, the glitterati and the social butterfly, like moths to a flame we are pulled in seeing in these people all the things we are not and yet if one takes the time to look around the truly beautiful are the most unassuming of all. Very few of us are fortunate enough to lay claim to any form of true visible beauty but as we all know outer wrappings do not stay perfect for long and once removed the gift inside may fail to live up to the expectations promised. And then there is the gift in the less ostentatious of trappings, hiding under the pile of other gaily adorned packages, modest with no clue as to what may lie inside but once opened this is the thing that will make us smile, the gift that is special and worth waiting for. I have become fortunate enough to discover such a treasure, a person with no notion of their true worth and yet all the better a person for all that. A quietly shining star in a sky full of nova, yet easily the most radiant and wonderful of all.
Quote: Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show – Charles Dickens ( David Copperfield)
It is not very often i let the words of others say the things for me that i wish to say, perhaps because i talk so much there is little room for anyone else or maybe just i rarely feel the need to quote others on matters i invariably have opinions on myself. However truth be told i often find myself lacking in the aptitude to be so profound so on occasion i will cite those i find inspirational, in this case that most eloquent of wordsmiths Mr Charles Dickens.
Time in itself is relative, an ever changing never ending mystery that stretches endlessly before us and in the scheme of all this we are merely visitors borrowing some small moment and striving to make it memorable, worth affording us or maybe even unforgettable. All around us unseen lie the threads of all the things we could have done, all the avenues our lives could have taken had we made some small difference in the choices that brought us on the path we travel now,whirling with wasted possibilities, echoes of regret or perhaps relief at the avoidance of less desirous futures. Like many i sometimes wonder where my life would be had i said or done things differently or left things done or unsaid that i failed to in reality but i have come to realise that i cannot change the things i have done or indeed failed to do but i can learn from the measure of my own happiness and be more cautious in the directions i allow myself to take. When we are young life seems so long and old age so very far away but upon reaching our conclusion and looking back perhaps it was not so very long a time after all. Neither will fate decide that since we failed to live to our fullest potential we should begin again with the chance to do all that we wish we had to begin with so perhaps the key to it all is think before we speak, feel before we act and love whilst we are able. I have regrets, i am after all only human but life is a lesson i am trying very hard to learn
GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN
AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
I have a great liking for words and i love to learn new ones, i have a subscription to a site that sends me a new one every day along with the definition. Some of them i just cant see me using for as much as i like to expand my personal vocabulary some words just really arent me, take todays word for instance consuetudinary, for me it has no appeal, it does not roll happily off the tongue and this will not make my internal dictionary. I find i have a great liking for the word discombobulate, actually i love this word, i have no idea why but i do, just as i love the words facetious and tintinnabulation and disingenuous. Perhaps i shall adopt all these words and make these my isms. Today i am discombobulated 😛
I guess as with any job there are penalties that go along with it and we open ourselves up to all manner of potential hazards and harm. Being of the annoyingly healthy type i never really thought about this, quite happily lifting weights at the gym alongside a pair of overtly masculine body building training partners, and not giving a thought to the physical nature of my life or job. And it is a physical job, i never really thought about how many times in a day i will be moving or supporting a persons full body weight with my own and often i’m thankful for my strapping build, sometimes it really does help not to be frail and delicate. Built like a pit pony i remember being told when younger!! hmmmm didnt they work pit ponys to death and turn them into glue??
So i guess it was with quite some horror as im doing my strong woman impression and hauling the back of a sling holding a very heavy Mrs X into a sitting position, that i find myself swallowing a yelp as some invisible pain assassin deals a resounding blow across the bottom of my back. Now i have no choice but to remain where i am, i could not in all conscience let go and leave a vulnerable person at risk of harm for as much as i know i am injured i consider myself to be of far lesser importance in comparison to someone elderly and frail. Let us just say my tongue was well and truly bitten but aside from a dull ache i imagined that this had only been a fleeting incident and dismissed it from my mind and carried on. Until 3am that was until some little crimson demon decided to prod pitchforks of pain across my back waking me and forcing me from my bed, a feat in itself since i found myself at an angle worthy of someone far older than i and unable to gain full stance. Okay even i had to see the funny side as between squeaks of pain i decided the best course of action would be to slide down the stairs on my posterior, well it seemed a terribly good idea at the time but became in actuality the longest descent of a staircase ever. And so now, with a pervading odour of ralgex accompanying me everywhere i go i am counting down the hours until work again and since i have today passed more of my time in contemplation of my feet i think perhaps ignoring the painfully obvious aside it will be a most comical and challenging shift and not one i am looking forward to with any ease
okay i confess i have gone entirely and utterly mad. perhaps working with dementia is affecting me for it has come to the stage that shopping in Tesco’s i am actually answering the talking checkout as if this were a perfectly normal everyday thing to do. Now i may have been a little rude but i did say this under my breath so as not to offend the little electronic beings sensibilities.
okay first item scanned..
CHECKOUT…please place the item in the bagging area ( i comply)
CHECKOUT..unexpected item in bagging area
ME…no its not you just told me to put it in there!!! (shop assistant rectifies the problem)
CHECKOUT…please scan your next item
ME…I am, i am calm down
CHECKOUT…please place the item in the bagging area……unexpected item in bagging area
ME...well stop telling me to put it in there then!! (shop assistant comes over again)
CHECKOUT…please scan your club card….please scan your club card…please scan your club card
ME( hunting through handbag)….hang on hang on im getting it!! lord have a little patience for once tut!!
CHECKOUT…please take your items…please take your items..please take your items
ME( chasing a rogue apple across the floor) well i’m hardly going to leave it here am i stupid *!$*
Usually i dont mind being awake at 5am, often the early night prior results in waking far earlier than intended but it is usually so peaceful that i quite enjoy being the only one braving the wee small hours. Today not so, for some reason i was bone crackingly cold on retiring to bed and sleep eluded me for quite some time and an hour later curled in a ball trying to get warm i drifted off to dreams of inuit and ice fishing which were not particularly comforting to say the least. I cant quite imagine myself as nanook of the north and whilst i dont detest the cold i confess i feel it easily and do not embrace it well i think myself more of an autumn girl all cosy and colourful. So needless to say waking at 5am was not particularly welcomed, although i admit to being somewhat more temperate i awoke feeling much as i should imagine would a disgruntled bear with probably the same nature which will uncharacteristically linger with me throughout the day. Quite some time ago i obtained a clock for my wall, deliberately choosing one with a very loud tick which brought back some small pleasant memories of sleeping at my grandparents house, curious as i sleep so lightly and normally this would disturb me yet the familiarly comforting noise usually has the opposite effect. But not this morning, today i find it annoying forcing me out of bed when i really want to hide under the duvet and try and find solace in sleep. Alas i’ve never been able to fall back into slumber once awake and as my brain argues with my body for blame at an overwhelming tiredness i decided to admit defeat and contemplate the world in the bottom of a coffee cup. For if i ever did more resemble a panda then today would most definitely be the day,who said pandas were cute!
I’ve always prided myself on being reasonably intelligent and pretty perceptive in the scheme of things but so often things just seem to end up with a giant sized spanner in the works. I wonder if perhaps i’m as perceptive as i like to think i am or whether im just some kind of cockeyed eternal optimist residing in a fantasy land borne of too many hours with my head firmly in some novel. I love the escapism of books, even when everything goes so wrong it always seems to have an unerring way of becoming right at the end and if i could get life to be this way i would quite happily white water raft my way down the rapids of trials and tribulations sent my way, knowing that a different ending was in sight when i sailed my way to the bottom. As usual things have crawled their way out of the pages of my book and slithered under the table to be trampled on by a never ending stream of feet as the comings and goings of life carry on their merry way and i never was any good at putting pages back together, i have no idea how nor even if i want to carry on reading the story. So perhaps a new book is in order and a very big book this time, one i can hide behind and only look out from beyond the pages when i know nobody is trying to see who this girl is and what she’s reading. Because its a secret now and in all things perhaps it is wisest to let sense and sensibility prevail
We all have our likes and dislikes, those little irritants that really get up our nose and each of us is very different as to what they may be. Like anyone i have my own some of which people find amusing like my dislike of morris dancers and mime artists, totally illogical and without foundation but there you have it, for some reason i have no tolerance for either. Then there are the dislikes of stronger things like those who cheat or in my own particular case my ultimate abhorrence those who lie. I freely admit be it in all naivety i cannot fathom the reasoning nor the gain from untruths and subterfuge yet so often it happens and still the perpetrators blithely imagine naught will come of it and that the truth will never out. Sometimes this is the case and some poor unsuspecting fool will be ultimately deceived by someone they could never imagine would utter untruths and long since past i have myself been the victim of this but i learned from my mistakes and in turn became very perceptive and being in possession of an excellent memory quickly learned what the prevaricator failed to….to lie you need to have excellent recall which most do not. It is very easy after that to piece together clues, wait for small slips in the relating of occurrences and wait until eventually the entire tale becomes a contradiction of itself which invariably happens. So now i find it amusing when people believe they are deceiving me successfully because truth be told infact i am just watching and waiting and just when you think you have taken me in, i have all the rope i need to hang you