Yesterday i had the most wonderful day, im not sure i can find the words to define why it was so wonderful nor do i think i want to analyse it overly, all i can say is that the day and the very special friend were wonderful. Being me there were more than a few scenarios that i had mentally caricatured and for all intents and purposes this was to be the subject of my blog today, indeed perhaps at some future point i may actually write about these things, but as the train pulled away i found these were not the things foremost in my mind that i wanted to write down.
I’m not entirely sure i want to write down what i’m writing but somehow i need to and this is something different entirely. Im not really a person that expresses my deepest innermost workings, im a strong person and i find the thought of feeling that vulnerable with someone rather disconcerting rather like trying to walk on water and in the past on more than one occasion i have been accused by friends or potential partners of having barriers or walls that are very hard to get beyond. True? Perhaps, if i’m honest, or perhaps some deeper perception alerted me to the fact that i did not genuinely want the closeness with these people that they were so desirous of. Maybe this makes me selective or maybe the true fact of the matter is that the right person would not have had to ask for the walls to come down, they would’ve been removed all of their own accord.
So for my part i admit i found it threw me somewhat that heading homeward, mentally writing my blog i was disturbed by the image of a pair of laughing dark eyes looking into mine. A scene from my one of my favourite movies Avatar kept popping into my head…”i see you” they say to each other. Most people dismiss this as a visual statement , indeed looking at each other this seems to be rather obvious but the more perceptive of us know that they mean they see the person inside and this is the feeling i was getting. Misconstrued? Again perhaps and perhaps my perception was way off beam but this was the unexplainable feeling i had. But i guess its like the old scenario of suddenly finding yourself naked and your instinct is to rush to cover yourself up protectively and i confess along with a fleeting sense of fear i had a small sense of this also. But the further away the train became i also began to feel a little lost and as i slipped back into familiar guises i couldnt help feeling that i had left myself standing on the platform and the rest of me was floating around in an ocean being swept away with no control over where i was going. But if you look carefully you’ll see im not really waving, i’m drowning