Yet again i find my faith in the world in which i work well and truly dealt a blow which is not an easy thing to cope with right now. They say you should not have your favourites but believe me no matter how dedicated you are it is very hard not to become especially fond of one or two in your care and i find i am no exception in this. So arriving at work today it was very upsetting to find that one particular favourite of mine has declined rapidly and not expected to be with us long and i found i had to blink very hard not to cry for i do not wish to disgrace myself infront of colleagues being less than stoic. Harder still when some time later she clung tightly to my hand and begged me not to leave her and at this point away from other eyes i admit without shame that i did cry for i do not like to think of her gone but tried swiftly to hide it for i did not want to distress or frighten this lady by subjecting her to tears. But i cannot deny the intense guilt i felt as i had to leave, for we are not allowed to linger with anyone for long having so many others requiring attention,as i would have happily sat with her as long as she wished me to.Guilt which only increased later when upon continuing decline an ambulance was called and it was considered the better place for her was to be admitted to hospital. I am not so unintelligent nor naive as to not realise that it is most likely this lady will not return and this upsets me and i in truth am not so sure that i can do this any more. I honestly do not believe it is within my nature to develop the hardened shell which more than one of my colleagues has informed me they have. It is not an easy thing to sit and watch someone knowing they are dying and seriously not something i really want to repeat.
How bizarre is it that time spent doing as we please seems to fly so fast we scarcely have time to notice nor enjoy it as much as in hindsight we wish we had. All too soon the weekend is over and the death knells of reality are already pealing their impending doom in the distance as i frantically glare at the clock willing the time to go more slowly yet even as i do in truth i know this to be a most futile effort. Lately i have the strangest feeling of detachment as though watching another living my life and me peering halfheartedly at it as like in some uneventful soap opera i watch events unfold. Perhaps it is the thought of an unenviable task looming in the near distance, a point which i am rapidly reaching and dreading more as the closer to it i become. I am not regretting my decision i know in all honesty it is right for me and i know as distasteful as this is to move on from this point it is something i need to do but i find even so i cannot look forward to this with relish. Perhaps it is the thought of the precarious situation i am intending to place myself in for i find i am not one with whom uncertainty sits well and i find a security in knowing where i am in all things. But most unsettling of all is a strange sense of fear, which in itself makes me most uneasy for i am rarely afraid of anything and common sense tells me in this case my fear is irrational and yet i still feel a small sense of it that is quite frankly both unfamiliar and disturbing. For one so positive and confident this is all so unaccustomed a feeling to me and i find i am not bearing it as well as i would like. So time is marching on despite my best efforts to will it to the contrary and trepidation tempered with resignation colours my mood. So decisive and yet still i question my choice wondering if perhaps the path of least resistance is more favourable than a rocky road and such an aura as i wear now. I shall in all honesty be thankful when this is all over and then at least i shall know it is done and the road will lead in only one direction. the path i chose to take.