No time to say goodbye


Yet again i find my faith in the world in which i work well and truly dealt a blow which is not an easy thing to cope with right now. They say you should not have your favourites but believe me no matter how dedicated you are it is very hard not to become especially fond of one or two in your care and i find i am no exception in this. So arriving at work today it was very upsetting to find that one particular favourite of mine has declined rapidly and not expected to be with us long and i found i had to blink very hard not to cry for i do not wish to disgrace myself infront of colleagues being less than stoic. Harder still when some time later she clung tightly to my hand and begged me not to leave her and at this point away from other eyes i admit without shame that i did cry for i do not like to think of her gone but tried swiftly to hide it for i did not want to distress or frighten this lady by subjecting her to tears. But i cannot deny the intense guilt i felt as i had to leave, for we are not allowed to linger with anyone for long having so many others requiring attention,as i would have happily sat with her as long as she wished me to.Guilt which only increased later when upon continuing decline an ambulance was called and it was considered the better place for her was to be admitted to hospital. I am not so unintelligent nor naive as to not realise that it is most likely this lady will not return and this upsets me and i in truth am not so sure that i can do this any more. I honestly do not believe it is within my nature to develop the hardened shell which more than one of my colleagues has informed me they have.  It is not an easy thing to sit and watch someone knowing they are dying and seriously not something i really want to repeat. 

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