a bit of a brain burble

You’ve just gotta love days off!! Mine is an extra excuse to sit online subjecting all and sundry to totally inane and irrelevant ramblings and sitting chuckling to myself at random things that pop into my head. Is it a bad thing when you make yourself laugh?? Does it have some hidden meaning that means im  totally devoid of personality and wit?? i hope not because in my head im terribly funny, i have those moments where out of the blue i sit and giggle uncontrollably at something causing everyone else to giggle too yet being unable to get the words out to explain why i’m laughing. I think in the past they used to call it insanity i could be wrong!!

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My brain has a mind of its own. Yes i know thats a terribly comical statement and perhaps contradictory but its true it does!! Whatever i’m thinking about or daydreaming about anything ( yes number one dreamer here i have diplomas!!) it butts in with something else totally random and unrelated and im sitting there thinking ‘where did that come from??’   I have come to the conclusion i have a head full of the most useless facts in the universe that serve no purpose at all except for the fact that i know them. I mean for instance did you know if you lick a stamp you eat 1/10th of a calorie? i do but why on earth do i know that?okay note to self not to go and work in the post office then!!

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Talking about post offices i am at present on parcel watch at dear daughter number one’s house. okay admittedly the parcels are for me but that’s totally beside the point. Thanks to the storm outside i got here rather faster than i would’ve liked looking for all the world like i had come out of a washing machine on the extra spin cycle which trust me is not a good look. Drowned rat springs to mind??

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Oh so anyway back to parcel watch, i’m sitting here cold and damp with no tv ( yup the wind knocked out the freeview signal) when the doorbell rings. Now DD lives in a third floor apartment with a courtyard in the roof so you kinda have to be quick when the bell rings and hurtle down two flights of stairs crossing the courtyard inbetween. So i raced for the door shoving my feet into the quickest shoes by the door which unfortunately happened to be clogs( fortunately DD and i are the same size)  and race across the courtyard for the second set of stairs only to skid on the very wet floor and propel myself into the arms of the advancing postman. Clogs on a mossy wet floor clearly werent a good idea and also my socks were rather soaked which didnt help matters much. 

Okay so i’m female and i admit had the postman looked anything like Kiefer Sutherland i would have been most happy to fling myself into his path and would not have apologised at all but since this postman although lovely could have almost been my father the situation was slightly more embarassing. Yet another reminder to self…slow down woman!! 

Oh yes so anyway back to burbling, brain and i are having a wonderful time deciding what to write. We ramble you see and we’re full of nonsense and since we have the whole day to sit and ponder a universe of totally useless facts who knows what we will come up with between us. 

Oh by the way did you know a giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue?? i did !! 😀

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I’m fine

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How telling is the above statement and for many of us how fitting and appropriate is it. I wonder what it is about us that makes us so reluctant to admit when things are going wrong or if we feel less than okay with the world. Most often just an extra ear or a hug or advice from an outside source can make all the difference yet we so desperately cling to this illusion that everything is fine. 

I am an ‘i’m fine girl’  i do it all of the time even consciously and in my own case i am even aware of WHY i do it. I do not wish to be seen as weak or needy, strong people are not meant to be weak and i have been the person to depend on for so long i find it very hard to reverse the roles. But most of all i fear rejection, i find not reaching out is better than reaching out and finding nobody there. Ultimately you can live with the illusion that had you wanted to reach out then you would have found what you needed but it is harder to live with when that illusion is shattered and we find ourselves alone.

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So many realities behind two simple words and i find myself so sceptical when someone says to me ‘i’m fine’   if you tell me you’re great or happy or wonderful i shall be more likely to believe you but i do not trust the words ‘i’m fine’  and now will look deeper to find the truth of the matter. They say if the first tear falls from the right eye it is from happiness but should it fall from the left it is from pain how much truth there is in this i do not know but it is definitely food for thought. Perhaps we all need to look a little closer and when that person says to you ‘i’m fine’ ask them to tell you the truth. 

I’m fine……….aren’t you??