Spiders, heartbeats and the speed of an Olympic Panda

For someone who hates water i admit i turn into somewhat of a mermaid when it comes to my bath. You can keep your showers for me it has to be a very very deep, very bubbly bath. I’m definitely lucky there because my bath is quite large and if i bend my knees i can lie right down in it.

Call me strange but when i need to relax i lie there with just my face sticking out of the water, close my eyes and listen to my heartbeat. Did you know you can hear your heart beating under water?? Well you can..try it and see!!

So evening comes and i’m doing my usual listen to my heartbeat routine and i admit i do stay there for quite a while getting horrid prune like fingers but i can never quite summon up the will to drag my waterlogged behind out of the bath. Humming merrily and totally out of tune i have no idea why but something prompted me to open my eyes.


Oh then did i holler, for sitting teeth gnashing right above my nose was a HUGE tarantula. Now i know you’re all going to say spiders don’t have teeth and it probably wasn’t a tarantula since i live in England but hey this wasn’t your nose this blood thirsty arachnid was wickedly hovering above. This thing was big and i mean BIG!!

Anyone who tells you pandas cant run, its a lie!! With a speed that would’ve put Linford Christie to shame and a maneuver  that should’ve guaranteed me a place on the Olympic high jump team i shot out of my lovely bubble bath shrieking like a banshee. I hate spiders, typical woman i know but i’m terrified of them and whilst i would never hurt one it doesnt mean i want them within a hundred mile radius.

Normally i’m quite smug for if i catch one scuttling across my floor i plonk a glass over it and then slide something under the glass to keep it in whilst i hurtle for the door and run right to the top of next doors garden to get rid of it. Seriously you don’t think i’m fool enough to put it in mine do you??

Well suffice it to say there was no way i was getting back in that bath so i crept closer and slammed the bathroom door shut, dashing for the safety of my bedroom dripping soap bubbles as i went. Fleetingly i wondered what i was going to do when i needed to pee for nothing on earth could prompt me into the bathroom with a man eating spider in residence!! 

Two hours later frantic crossing of my legs was not helping the fact i needed to go and there was nothing for it but to brave the bathroom so i tiptoed upstairs and eased open the door heart hammering nineteen to the dozen. Trust me i’d have spotted that spider from fifty feet so alert was i, but worriedly on seeing nothing i scanned the ceiling wondering where it had gone.

Inching closer my heart almost stopped in relief for there floating on top of the water quite dead was the spider. Dead or not my hand was definitely not going into the water and i sped downstairs for a kitchen utensil and gingerly hooked the chain of the plug, yanking it out. Yes i was still terrified almost as though i expected it to suddenly arise from the dead saying ‘ah fooled you’

Still frantically crossing my legs i willed the water to drain faster for i’m sorry was not taking any chances and being caught with my trousers down when super spider decided to resurrect itself. Nervously i held my breath as the water drained then wailed in disbelief when spider stuck firmly in the plug hole ( i told you it was big!! ) Well there’s only so long a bladder can hold before you really have to go so there was nothing for it but to grab a toothbrush and quickly poke it through the hole.

Definitely wise i speedily rammed the plug into the hole before dumping the bathroom bin on top and dashing for the loo. Needless to say i dont close my eyes any more when i lie down in the water. I dont want to be caught napping when mommy spider comes looking for revenge!!

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