If you think about it…..

                                              Sometimes i think too much. Sometimes i’m too dreamy…

Sometimes on nights like tonight i sit and i think, even when i’m trying not to and as much as i try and distract myself with other things, it makes no difference at all. 

Sometimes on nights like tonight i sit and think, and even when i tell my head to stop it doesn’t listen at all and those things just keep on coming, winding their way in there and taking over. 

Sometimes on nights like tonight i think about someone and i realise how much i miss them, but of course i can’t tell them that so i try and pretend i dont. But i do……And i know what youre thinking about what i’m thinking but you see youre wrong…

Sometimes on nights like tonight i sit and try not to think and it’s all so quiet, the clock moves so slowly and i just sit and watch it and will it to move faster just to see if it will. But of course it doesn’t.

Sometimes on nights like tonight i sit and try not to think and read the same page over and over again because nothing sinks in, i’m too busy trying not to think the things i’m thinking you see.

Sometimes on nights like this i realise that however much i like my own company, sometimes you can be alone just a little too much and then you just end up thinking about thinking. 

Sometimes on nights like tonight i don’t feel like i’m real but merely a spectator watching myself doing things i have no control over at all and then i think im just a little bit strange for thinking such a thing. 

Sometimes on nights like this i sit and try not to think because if you think about it some things are probably better when you just dont think about them at all 

Sometimes on nights like this i sit and think about the fact i think too much about thinking about things i really dont want to think about and then i really do think that i should just stop thinking at all.

And then i make myself laugh and its all okay again..but just think if it wasnt!! 

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Come out. Come out wherever you are…

                           Are you afraid of the dark??

Recently i’ve been watching a lot of ghost movies  Woman in black, Lady in white, The Awakening and i wonder if maybe i’m missing the point of them. I’m not afraid and they dont make me jump infact at the cinema watching Woman in Black i laughed my socks off at everyone jumping in fright and screaming and i didn’t jump, not once. I knew when the so called scary bits were coming. not because i’d seen it before but more because it was so obvious.

Did i enjoy the film? Yes i actually did but was i suitably scared? No far from it which pretty much defeated the object of it all. I wonder if maybe i’m just too practical to be fooled so with a movie. I cannot say i believe in ghosts but in all honesty i actually cannot say i don’t believe in them either. Logic tells me anything is possible but also leads me to a slight sadness for were they to be at all real it should mean some unhappiness has kept them from going to wherever their beliefs lead them to go. I’m like most people i think, i have irrational fears about silly things like escalators and heights but then in others i am totally unstereotypical, upon hearing noises downstairs in my house i will quite happily trip down the stairs to investigate with very little trepidation. Doesn’t the heroine always run up the stairs in the movies?? Usually and then the silly woman gets herself killed for not having the sense to run away.

Strange then that one of my favourite movies is actually a victorian ghost story..The Amazing Mr Blunden.As a child i shed more than one tear whilst watching it and now watching The awakening that same kind of feeling. It is actually a very good film and although i’m enjoying watching it i find i’m not in the least scared it just makes me feel a little sad. Not perhaps the reaction the writer was hoping for i think. Maybe i’m not the audience to pitch these things to and perhaps i need to adopt a little more of my usual whimsy when watching them. 

No movies dont scare me..do they scare you??

Sometimes still waters really do run deep

                                                         ”Isn’t that a little dark for you?”

 

This was the comment from a friend this morning when i replied to the standard ”what are you up to?” question with the reply that i was doing my housework listening the new Linkin Park album i bought earlier. Now i totally love Linkin Park, that pure raw emotion that comes from such a great vocalist and many a time when having a bad day i have cranked up the volume on my ipod and selected Linkin Park and speed walked until i feel better. Great rage music..try it and see!! 

But this comment tickled me, for although i am well aware of how people perceive me i take great delight in being a contradiction. This does not mean i am fake, no, i am me and nothing but me but i find it is more down to how much of me i want on display as my public face. Mary Poppins, i have been called this before many times and perhaps it is a very apt description of me, i am sickeningly affable to everyone just because it is in my nature to be so, i am extremely laid back, extremely slow to anger and admit although i dislike many things i will never be driven to hate which is the most ugly of emotions. 

I guess the truth is, a conversation with my best friend made me think about emotions and the displaying of them and having been in a relationship that was so totally devoid of any whether positive or negative i wondered how much i was guilty of this myself. Sure i know on the positive side of things i’m very open, warm, affectionate and giving ( i have been told this so often although the word ‘nice’ makes me want to vomit and i refuse to use it) but the negatives? Mary Poppins or no even i cannot pretend that i do not have them and yet when i examined them in a curiously detached way that i am so good at, i was actually was quite disconcerted to  discover that i never cry. Oh i dont mean in a movie kind of way for put the slightest emotional part in any movie or tv show and i will cry until i sail myself out of the room. That kind of crying i do most freely but otherwise i could not in the last 5 years remember a single time i have really let myself cry, nor yet could i remember a single time when i really lost my temper. I do get mildly angry yes but far from exploding i become very cold and quiet and i am excellent at sarcastically scathing remarks. Lowest form of wit it may be but designed to hurt the most when appropriate although again for me this is extremely rare as i dont often get angry either and i never EVER shout. But really really getting furiously angry? No i find i dont do that either. Yet i have always considered myself to be emotional, when it comes to feelings i really do think i feel them very strongly and passionately. If i love you then i REALLY heart and soul love you, no half measures and if i dislike you then equally i REALLY dislike you for i find there is little point in doing these emotions if you cannot do them properly.

 

Maybe this friend had a point in his deduction that Linkin Park might be a little dark for the me he knows, i suppose you wouldn’t really expect to see Mary Poppins stamping along yowling ‘In The End’ at the top of her voice would you? Yet this thought tickles me for it makes me wonder what Mary really was like underneath and strangely it does not bother me that few people do really know me. Perhaps i am the most strange of women in the fact that i do not actually WANT them to know me, yet i am not entirely sure why. Perhaps it is the appeal of being an enigma, perhaps just simply that it makes it just that little bit more special and meaningful when that odd person does actually know you. I do not know if i am alone in this, whether it is just in my nature and others are more open in revealing who they are  and this is just some oddity unique to me.

So i may surprise you yet then as i turn up the volume and carry myself away to the strains of ‘Leave out all the rest’ , Mary Poppins hat firmly in place and a tendency to keep breaking out into such a delighted grin for it pleases me greatly to be so unexpected. 

                                                           Sometimes still waters really do run deep