Early morning and as a very sexy american voice chirps merrily from my phone to wake me up i force open one eye, unweld my face from the pillow and try and untangle some silky effort of a nightgown from where it has invariably settled around my waist in the night. Stupid thing this is why i prefer pyjamas!
Good morning amanda, the time is 8am and the weather is cloudy with wind from a south easterly direction. The weather today will be blah blah yada yada……..
Yes okay okay i’m awake you can go away now!! Now contrary to the movies that brainwash men into thinking we all look stunning when we wake this is actually far from reality. Myself i tend to look more like a disgruntled hedgehog, i do not need my morning shriek in the mirror to know my hair sticks up wildly in all directions from my head and my face has so many sleep creases it looks badly in need of ironing. No i do not tumble sexily from bed purring good morning darling whilst swishing my perfect hair around my perfectly made up face flashing perfect just brushed teeth as i perch on my smoothly unruffled bed. No my bed resembles a war zone in a morning with it and i looking like we were deposited there by some passing tornado.
Resisting the temptation to crawl along the floor i head for the kitchen and coffee. Most days i think i should just bypass the kettle and sit and eat it with a spoon thereby gaining instant caffeine rush and some semblance of normality. Kettle on the boil its time for the morning weigh in which usually does not lighten my mood any but today was a bit of a yeay moment as the scales dropped a pound and i hugged them happily cooing ”i love you’ at them before merrily hopping over to make coffee. Big mistake leaving the mirror in the kitchen and i wailed in horror as i passed it.
Ooooh panda by name and how accurate! Girl where did THOSE bags come from?! One down side of having young looking skin is the occasional habit of breaking out into a blemish even in my 40s and today sitting waving at me is a small one below my eyebrow. Great! I prodded gloomily at it before turning the mirror around and reaching for solace in the bottom of my coffee cup. Just what i need….a zit!! Pondering how to cover up the mini Mount Vesuvius that has taken residence upon my face i dive into the regulation skin care cleanse tone moisturise blah ( yes you guys have it so easy) before glaring balefully at my eyebrows and deciding they were in need of tidying up. Again guys you are so lucky, i hate doing this for it hurts and it makes me sneeze for some odd reason. But still the thought of giant caterpillar like brows is enough to send me hurtling for the tweezers. I have never considered myself to be overly vain but i do confess i do not like to look terrible and will avoid doing so as much as i possibly can. I freely admit i will not set foot out of my front door unless i think i look okay and if this be vanity then perhaps i am guilty of it after all.
So half an hour later, bags reduced to sleep smudges and caterpillars well and truly banished and small amount of makeup to made me look a little more alive and i’m glugging down coffee number three as stomach merrily sloshes and gurgles when i walk. What can i say i drink too much coffee, i know this and yet i still do it. One thing at a time i say and as i hop up and down dressing in gym clothes i confess energy is in a little short supply today but my desire not to look like Nellie the Elephant hauls my butt out of the door. Sometimes i think it must be so much easier to be a guy, almost all of my acquaintance make little effort and do not care if they look less than perfect. Maybe in my next life i shall ask to be a man and see for myself but until then time to keep up the effort.