Love is not love….



There’s no getting away from it.  It really is all around, everywhere you look and a subject more often talked about than most. We all want love yet ask anyone to describe what it is and why they want it and you will get so many replies as to leave you confused.

I have to admit as a young child i was very much of the happily ever after brigade. Brought up on tales of princes and princesses and happily ever after. Truly believing that one day my eyes would meet those of the man i was destined to be with and he would sweep me off my feet, just like in the movies. Beating hearts and breathlessness and a passion leading you to want to be together forever. How rude an awakening when i found that life really isn’t like that at all.

Love, i have decided, is very like any other addiction. There is the initial excitement, loss of inhibition and the buzz that comes with any new drug. A newly discovered euphoria leaves you craving more and slowly the addiction takes hold. Love takes over, blurring the fringes of your reality until it is all you can think about. How much better your life seems with a dose of love to boost you along. You cannot deny that there are those fortunate enough to sail on this happy tide for the whole of their lives never knowing the ill effects that often creep in over time. For others the toxic effects begin to take hold and yet still you continue even knowing that this is bad for you. Addiction is hard to let go of and so often we cling to its safe familiarity. Better to be in bad love than not in love at all right?



Recently i have been talking to a friend about the breakdown of her relationship and whilst i should never divulge the confidences of another, safe it to say that i puzzled greatly over the reasons for its sad demise.

Change. Or rather refusal to accept any change which comes along. I have to admit i pondered a long time over this. My own relationship, whilst being far from the fairy tales of my childhood, is a very good one simply because i had been willing to compromise my expectations. My partner will be the first to admit he is not the flowery, gushy demonstrative type and perhaps he would not be the man for any woman seeking open and obvious affection such as my friend. But i find our relationship has a solid foundation and affection comes in an endearing way unique to only him. I think if perhaps i were less sure about myself and our relationship i should be unsettled by what may seem  to others an unloving man. Yet to me in all my familiarity of him, i find him affectionate and loving in a way nobody else can see. Hard won but worth it when it appears.

I tried to explain this to my friend. People change but sometimes we have to change with them and relationships cannot always stay the same. Just because love settles into a familar comfortableness does not mean that it is no longer love. Very like a new pair of shoes, all shiny and taking time to break in,  but once done so they settle and mould into a comfortable fit. Well worn and often much loved but different from the new shoes you first bought.

My friend just cannot accept the changes in their relationship and has chosen to end this since it does not meet the idea that she has of how it should be. I feel sad for her that the love she has is no longer the love she wants and perhaps she is right not to compromise her expectations. I asked her if she loved her partner and she said yes but he’s not like he used to be. Perhaps, i pointed out gently, you are in love with who he was and not who he is now.

We are very different she and i and whilst i should find it hard to let go of love for the sake of change i cannot fault her for doing so. I find i am with Shakespeare when i say…

”Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds”

I find i myself have changed a lot over the years, very different from the girl i was in my younger years. I have had my share of that sweeping all encompassing love and found that it did not end well. It is not to say that i should never be open to that kind of feelings again but i find now i have learned to expect differently from before. Perhaps age has made me less idealistic or perhaps i have simply learned to heed the lessons of experience and compromise where once i should demand.


You cant always live with it but it seems we definitely cannot live without it. I think all any of us can hope for is someone to notice when we are not around. Someone to care and to love us  in whatever way they can and perhaps if for some this is not as bright and shiny as for others then no matter. We all want to feel loved and wanted and id like to hope that for most we find what we are looking for.

Sometimes you just need to look that little bit more closely.




Who’s that girl?




People change. We bend, we move, we alter with time. Buffed and worn with the experiences of life, how few of us can say we are still who we used to be. Life has a way of altering who we are, without us ever even noticing, until one day we look back and find ourselves so changed as to almost be a different person.

I know i have.

I admit to being by nature quite insular. Not that anyone would notice for i have become quite adept at giving all the appearance of someone quite the opposite, being open ,warm and friendly in public. Partly due to my job i admit but also due to the fact i find society  clearly expects me to be this way, an automated response in the presence of someone else.  I live in a world of extroverts who like nothing better than to spend vast amounts of time with each other whilst, introvert that i am, i just want to retreat to a place and persons of my choosing. In social situations i still want to be invited to whatever events and get togethers that are planned by my peers but i want to be accepted for the fact i will rarely attend.

Perhaps i am an alien. I often wonder if my body was taken over by some other being so stealthily that i never even noticed. Looking back down the years i regretfully admit i have changed in myself perhaps more than is usual for anyone to do. Gone is the extrovert, friend loving me with a head full of dreams and a whimsical wish to meet prince charming and be wed. Happily ever after turned into happily never at all. Whilst i admit to being much more of a realist than ever i was before, i still find buried remnants of the person i used to be. Yet cynicism clouds my reality, not in a way as to make me grim and dour but certainly enough to change my expectations from life.

”Do you Amanda take…… be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Yes once that was me. Even after one bad experience i still clung hopefully to the thought that prince charming was out there. Waited, confident that any day soon i’d be swept off my feet, that all the storms in my ocean had been worth the weathering and for a while i was. But somehow fate decided that shipwrecks and sinking were on the cards for me until one day my  battered little boat was bobbing the horizons alone. I determined, however, that i should be the kind of person to never carry my baggage along with me.Weighing me down as i plodded my way doggedly through life, smiling despite it all. Yet for all my determination i find perhaps i carried more with me than i realised, coloured by lies and mistrust into a person who suddenly didn’t need anyone. Strong, independent and solitary yet in contrast still upbeat in spirit.

So there you have me. Independent, strong minded and decidedly cynical with a touch of ironic and at times self deprecating humour. I do not like to need people, a fact which has frustrated male friends and partners alike.  Men i have found in general like to feel needed and i admit i have a touch of this myself, yet i find myself unable to need in return.  I am careful to surround myself with those people i want to have around me but i am careful not to let myself need them.

Needed but not needy.

Yet over all this a gilding that makes me acceptable to society. I’m branded a nice girl, helpful, kind and thoughtful and for the most part i am. But hidden beneath is whats really left of the sum total of my years. However hard we try we cannot escape some elements of life experience that we shall always carry with us.  Miserly with trust my circle is small in some unconscious  attempt at self preservation.  Perhaps life will change me some time in the future, perhaps i shall not always be as i am or perhaps this is how i am destined always to be.

Turning my attention back to the screen i wistfully sigh as Jane Austen’s Emma comes to a tearful realisation that she does indeed love Mr Knightly and i muse upon the fact that perhaps all is not lost of me after all. However unwanted i still seem to have that softness inside that keeps me human.

People change. We bend, we move, we alter with time. Buffed and worn with the experiences of life yet perhaps more of this is under our control than we realise. Trust may not always be as misplaced as sometimes it may seem and damaged inflicted over turbulent years can often be repaired leaving the way clear to finding ourselves again.

I know i’ve changed. Have you?



Fifty ways NOT to leave your lover



According to the old song there are fifty ways to leave your lover. There are definitely the old classics and again some much more inventive and whilst i hesitate to bore you with exactly 50 ways it seems there are a few of the definite old favourites..

Most of us have been through one it at some time or other and you are a rare person indeed if you have not.  It is very hard to know the right way or the wrong way to end such a personal part of your life, especially when often the other person has little idea of what is coming.  I have lost count of the times friends or acquaintances have sat in floods of tears as the result of the object of their desire effecting some ruthless termination of their ‘affaires de coeur’.

Is their a right way to leave your lover? 

The matter is one of much debate and indeed there seems to be much opinion on how NOT to do it as a pose to how to actually get it right. Having instigated debate amongst friends it seems that people are of the same opinion about the faux pas of the relationship terminating world.



Oh yes the dreaded text. Probably one of the worst and most thoughtless ways of all and yet possibly one of the most frequently used. A perfect way to avoid the confrontation and the devastated reaction from ones partner yet calculatingly cold and callous. You can only imagine the response that will be forthcoming and wishing to avoid the scene and make an easy escape many do choose this option as a get out of jail free card. One of the most hurtful methods however since for the recipient the chance of closure and an explanation as to why the relationship failed is never given.  It must be crushing indeed to feel your spirits lifted at the beep of a text from your lover only to find a textual dear john stating ‘its over’


Ah the old chestnut. Trotted out so often over the decades that it is now a statement of much ridicule. Used in times of cowardice when the aggressor wishes to bow out gracefully but avoid the confrontation of a scene. ITS NOT ME??? Of course its me you snivelling little toad…you wouldn’t be leaving shortly to hurtle into the arms of another if it wasn’t ME! Actually now i think about it , you could be right here and it is actually you after all. Clearly you have deficiencies which i was besottedly unaware of, cowardice being the aforemost of them all. Seriously though, how often have we rolled our eyes derisively as some poor sap bleats out that eternal old phrase ”It’s not you, it’s me” NEXT!



Admittedly a step up from the text message but only just.Usually lasting only so long as it takes for the recipient to dissolve into tears and demand an explanation before the call is ended. Exactly the same reasons as with the text message, avoidance of confrontation and total absence of any courage but still with the same result. Perhaps a little less cold and callous this one but still getting the old heave ho via the telephone is hardly the ending of choice. BUT at least you get to say your piece or scream blue murder on this one even if just a little before the other person baulks and hangs up the phone. Courage only goes so far you know!


Oh yes this one is true, believe it or not. I have heard this story more than once with both males and females as the protagonist and was rather horrified at such deliberated dispassion. The general idea was that, tiring of the relationship, the person would invent some serious illness or disease that would enable them to lessen the contact and time spent with their partner. Often coupled with financial extortion this enables the protagonist to very often take up with a new partner and not need to find excuses for being absent from the relationship. After a time the ‘illness’ progressively worsens until eventually the unsuspecting partner receives a message from a ‘friend’ saying their signifcant other has passed away. Horrifying and cold in the extreme but nonetheless true. I felt such sympathy for these people for this was truly an abuse of trust in the extreme. Perhaps it is just me though, that sat and thought why bother?? Why go to all that trouble and intrigue instead of just saying sorry it’s not working. The mind boggles and maybe we shall never know but happen it did. 



Oh ye fiend of modern invention, how many of us have received the old ‘dear john’ via email. Perhaps it is the safety of hiding behind a computer but often it is the case that explanations are more than forthcoming in this instance. There can be no doubt we all like to know just WHY our security blanket suddenly became rather moth eaten but often the email takes the why just a little too far. Perhaps it is just the modern day age that we live in that leaves us feeling safer ‘talking’ by email rather than face to face. So many people i know have received emails from partners in times of emotional upheaval outlining clearly all of the things that they feel are lacking. Sometimes perhaps this can be a gentle opening for a good heart to heart talk and a chance to address any problems within the relationship but often it is just a covert way of venting ones spleen and once started tends to spew forth unguarded. I have seen many a friend shocked at he receipt of such an email since they mostly had little idea anything was wrong. I have been guilty of this myself in a lesser degree but only in the early days of a relationship when i was unsure of the person and their reaction to what i considered to be an issue in our relationship and thankfully it led to proper adult discussion. I, thankfully, have never dissected my whole relationship via email nor felt the need to end it that way and much prefer to talk whether it be good news or bad. Email can be a good opener but should never be used as a method of closure in our opinion.



Oh definitely topping the best seller list with everyone here for the worst way to leave your lover. Nobody likes to be replaced and there is no doubt that seeing the object of your affections in the arms of another is never an easy thing to take. Confronted with your replacement you would have to be very secure indeed not to compare yourself unfavourably with the new improved version of ‘US’. This has to be the most uncaring way of ending a relationship and the visible proof that you are not irreplaceable after all is a bitter pill to swallow. Worse still is having this thrust upon you whilst you are still in a relationship with that person as a pose to having time to bring yourself to terms with it to some small a degree. I can never understand why a person should cheat when it would be simpler to end that which you are not happy with and then look for something else yet still so many continue to do so. Perhaps it is the old having your cake and eating it scenario where they simply wish a little excitement aside that which they already have. Definitely a risky business then since often when caught you lose everything anyway. The other option is perhaps the simply wished to be caught after all , leaving their partner to do the act of ending the relationship for them. Whatever the reason there is no worse feeling in the world than knowing that the one you love has another besides yourself. 

Maybe there are 50 ways to leave your lover. I have no doubt that many of you have heard of some of the more inventive ones but still it cannot detract from the fact that a heart is being broken. Does it really cost so much to be honest and to simply sit and talk. I cannot promise it will be well received for people people react differently to the loss of that which they love but surely it is kinder to be straightforward and truthful. We all decided the same, that we would rather be truthfully told that our significant other did not love us any more and be allowed to grieve for the relationship than to be the receiver of untruths and excuses.  Whilst some of the more colourful of us decided that throwing your other half over Niagara Falls in a barrel or putting them up for sale on ebay were perfect ways to end your affair perhaps it is kinder to just talk. 



We thought of a few, how about you?



I know myself to be far from alone this weekend being totally immersed in the screening of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, sighing wistfully as the knee weakening Mr Darcy bestows on the most beautiful Elizabeth Bennet ‘THE look’  A tale much loved by me in both literary form and the visual adaptations which duly followed, i find myself drawn once again into the romance and propriety of Austen’s world with all the ease of donning a favourite cosy cardigan. I am a most old fashioned girl in all things pertaining to matters of the heart but also find great appeal in such decorum and wealth of manners and believe i should have felt most at home in this earlier period of time. Oh how very wonderful to be wooed by some dashingly handsome man emanating respect and to be duly afforded such correct behaviour as was my right. So very far removed from most gentlemen of my acquaintance today, and i hesitate to call them gentlemen, who are more likely with great ribaldry to request that i display some area of my anatomy for the entertainment of all present. So appealing too, those so articulate and eloquent, an art which these days i find is very much on the decline and the talent of conversation and wit is severely lacking in all but a few. Perhaps i move in the wrong circles having neither connection nor fortune to move in a society above my own but this does not prevent me from longing for the stimulation of intelligence and decorum that seems doomed to be lost in a bygone age. Little wonder women the world around sigh disconsolately and  take solace in a world so very far removed from our own. And forgive me if, just for a short while, i  join the ranks and submit to the smoulderingly charismatic charms of the irrepressible Mr Darcy.

Could you be a Cougar??

Cougar, its a term most of us know these days. One of those colloquialisms developed in society to label something which previously has either been indefinable or simply did not exist.

So what is a cougar??

Well simply put it is any woman who pursues the attentions of considerably younger men rather than those her own age. Usually a minimum of 7 years younger is required for the age gap to fall into the cougar status. I have always dated slightly younger men, mainly due to the fact that i do not look my age and can get away with it but i have never yet reached the requirements that would fit me into this cougar category. 

But could i be one?? Well this morning i admit i had rather a giggle as logging onto a diet and fitness forum i belong to i had a message alerting me to updates on threads i had replied to. Skimming the first two serious and advisory ones i picked up a few tips and added a further comment of my own. Now the third thread was entirely different and was infact a game you think the person above is attractive. I had happily joined in the previous evening commenting that the girl at the bottom of the list was, despite being rather overweight, a very pretty girl. Considerably more entries had been added since mine and i skipped through them reading the comments and then rather absently flicked backwards looking for mine. In truth i had expected my comment to be from a girl since the boy/girl ratio was very much in the female favor but NO!!

’43?? I would do her!!’

Yes this was my comment and the commenter was…..a young lad that looked about 18! I actually choked on my coffee caught between exclamation, a giggle and the desire to swallow the contents of my mouth. The result was a spray of coffee upon my laptop followed by a mad coughing fit. Now i say this boy looked 18 he could well have been older but it would not have been much and i certainly wasn’t going to be seen checking his profile for fear of giving the wrong idea. But the comment set me thinking, could i really be a cougar?? It is not the first time i have had favourable looks from considerably younger guys infact very far from it and yes if i am honest i could have more than once dated far younger guys but yet i have not.


Is it not every womans dream to be seen with some young fit looking guy rather than the frequently less so older men of their own acquaintance? Would women rather wake up to some smooth tanned body rather than the slightly wrinkling version she is expected to date? Perhaps, i know many women would jump at the chance to date a younger  man, seeking maybe to hold on to their own youth in the process but strangely i do not find this appealing and in truth would feel decidedly uncomfortable waking up with a boy in my bed.Romantic moment as he leans over and whispers ”Darling i love the way the sunlight dances across your wrinkles in a morning” It has to be noted that i consider any  guy under 28 to be in the category of boy more in reference to my own age although i own they would not thank me for it. As odd as it may seem i do not really look at much younger guys and even in the cases of movie stars i remain curiously unmoved. A friend recently asked me to go and see Magic Mike with her at the cinema which for those who do not know is about male strippers. As she drooled over the bronzed muscles of the male leads i found myself looking rather dispassionately at the picture for it did not appeal to me at all and i happily declined. 


Give me Colin Firth or Kiefer Sutherland and you will happily see me melt (curiously so for both are older than i) for i prefer men who look like men and cannot see the appeal in those so much younger whom to me are just boys. It seems as i have aged my taste in men has aged with me and though i would happily date a guy a few years younger than myself i confess i am not the cougar type and have a line firmly drawn with regards to age. So whilst i may blush furiously at the comment left in regards to me i have to confess that where he would, i definitely would not. 

Could i be a cougar?? No after much thought i confess not but am i alone in this? Could you?

Wishing for the moon

Come on lets face it when was the last time you sat down, looked around and smiled because you were happy with what you have? How many times have you been guilty of saying i want? Most of us are so guilty of perpetual ‘i want’ ing that we forget to look at what we actually do have we merely spend our times thinking of all the things we do not. For many that long road from where we have been and where we are now is so long that we forget how to look back along it and remember the journey and the achievements along the way and ultimately celebrate them. A recent quote i read was perhaps most apt and fitting at this point merely stating

‘Appreciate what you have, for if you do not then you can be sure somebody else will’

I have been told i am an unusual woman and perhaps this is so since i will never ask anything of anyone that they do not freely give and whilst i have dreams and aspirations like anyone else i am also mindful to be happy with what i have. If it comes down to a choice between pushing for more when it is not freely offered, risking losing everything, or being grateful that i actually have it in the first place then i will always take the latter option. Perhaps the trick is to remember, especially in respect of relationships, how things were before you had that person who means so much to you and ask yourself do i really want to go back to how i was before? Anyone who loves someone would always answer with a resounding no, of course not and why would you.

Yet despite all this so many are so willing to do exactly that and throw away everything that makes them happy just upon that quest to demand more than is already given. I guess for the most part you do not know what you have until it is gone and often once lost it cannot be retrieved. Perhaps then we would all do as well to sometimes remind ourselves of what life would be like without all the things we have. It never hurts to count your blessings every once in a while, even if you forget they are blessings, for one thing you can be sure of is someone else would value and want what you do not.

Yes an unusual woman i may be but also one who has spent a lot of time waiting for things to appreciate to come along. I can see clearly along my road no matter how long it gets and never will i take for granted those happy things  that make me smile. Offer me things freely and i am often wise enough to take them but never will i ask for them for myself. When you have what you’ve always wanted you do not throw it away trying to get something better for the grass is never greener on the other side it is merely a trick of the light. Never be guilty of crying for the moon to the point that you forget to live in the here and now for you might find one day that here and now is exactly where you wish you were.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but all the better when you do not need it. 

How Brief an Encounter

She paused in the doorway self-consciously smoothing down the unaccustomed skirt as though to make it longer than it actually was. Her toes curled in the unusually high new shoes as she nervously toyed with the clasp of the small bag she clutched to her like a shield before squaring her shoulders and surveying the gloomy little room. Blue eyes narrowed slightly in defence against the thick smog of cigarette smoke which assailed her yet she resisted the urge to waver in her composure and cough furiously as she would have liked to have done. She had attracted attention now as more than one pair of eyes turned in her direction, one slightly more lecherous in amongst the appreciative glances and she again felt the slightly uncomfortable awareness of the lack of length to her skirt.

Again her gaze swept the room, this time a little more apprehensively for she had imagined she would be able to pick him out more easily than this but none of those within seemed to fit the description she had of him. Too old, too fat, too lecherous. No none of these fit the bill and she momentarily considered leaving before an almost imperceptible movement from the corner of the room drew her gaze to amused dark eyes surveying her with interest. A wry twist to the mouth told her he knew of her discomfort and was amused by it, was she so obvious that this was the first time she had done this? She sighed heavily, were it not for the money she should never be frequenting a place such as this but circumstances had left her with no other option and nowhere else to turn. 

‘Come on girl you can get through this’ she told herself and a long lost sense of courage raised itself to the fore and bolstered her with a bravado she really did not feel. Pasting on a smile she walked slowly across the room, aware of the eyes upon her, not only the dark ones facing her but also from those she briefly passed. Dismissively she chose to ignore the smiles aimed at her and focused her attention upon the man she approached, she just wished he would smile! Anything to ease her nerves and calm the heart hammering so loudly in her chest. She prayed silently that he could not hear it as she reached his side and swallowed uneasily before summoning a smile. The amused expression deepened and he motioned her to the chair before him inviting her to sit which she gladly did before her shaking legs became obvious to him. A voice that melted her insides offered her a drink and she gratefully accepted, her glance sweeping his glass already half empty. Whisky she surmised, or brandy. No definitely whisky, he seemed the type for it. 

Regarding him over the rim of her glass she swallowed a mouthful feeling the liquid fire hit her empty stomach making her draw her breath in unaccustomed surprise. 

”Did you bring the money?”

Again that wry smile as the dark eyes laughed at her discomfort but he reached slowly into the inside of his jacket producing the envelope which he proffered in her direction. A man of few words she mused thoughtfully as she reached for it but he held onto it for just a second too long making her composure falter once again. She flushed her shame that financial gain had brought her here wondering for not the first time if she were really doing the right thing. Need won out and she dropped the envelope decisively into her bag snapping the clasp firmly shut before sliding forward in her seat and placing her palm upon his thigh. 

His eyebrows raised at the blatant action but he said nothing, merely watched as she met his gaze from beneath lowered lashes. Her eyes lowered to his lips and she licked her own, the tell-tale gesture the only indication of the direction her thoughts were taking. He grinned triumphantly knowing his desire to kiss her was reciprocated before standing and holding out his hand to her indicating it was time to take this further.

”So darling” he chuckled softly ” How was your day? Shall we go and buy those carpets” 

True Romance

Anyone who knows me will know that i am really not one to take particular notice of events in the media but today one particular story really did catch my eye. A Canadian dentist named Sandy Crocker has travelled 8,000km to try and track down a young woman he  met for just two minutes ( yes you read that right) last summer. The lovestruck Mr Crocker was holidaying last year in the beautiful Irish town of Ennistymon when he spotted the Irish beauty at a cafe where he and his brother stopped for lunch.

Not wanting to interrupt her meal he waited until she had finished eating before approaching her and asking directions to the local cliffs but did not pursue the matter further since he was leaving town the next day. However it seems Cupid had other plans for our handsome dentist and after her departure the arrow struck home leaving him changing his mind and desperately needing to find her. In true romantic hero style he and his brother desperately searched the town and cliffs but could find no trace of the woman who had captured his heart. I defy any woman not to melt at the thought of making that much of an impression upon a man, for don’t we all wish we could?

Back home it seems Cupid really was not wiling to let this one go and our poor hero could not get his princess out of his thoughts, so much so that he decided upon a whim to remake that eventful journey and try once again to find her. Our gallant hero does not even know the name of his lady and has only the description of ‘mid to late 20’s, freckles and reddish brown hair’  but is determined to give himself every chance to find her. 

So as the world holds its breath and waits to see what fate has in store for the smitten Canadian you cannot help but wish for a happy ending and hope that he does indeed find the woman for whom he went to so much effort. It seems in this case at least there is such a thing as love at first sight and romance is definitely not dead. Definitely the stuff of romance novels and surely the utmost in compliments, i for one will definitely have my fingers crossed. I would not be so much of a woman if i were not so easily swept away by a little bit of true romance.

Sandy Crocker may you find your girl.

The art of being subtle

Well another day over at the gym and to say i am pretty annoyed is putting it mildly. My usual workout is between 2-21/2 hours but today i was lucky if i did 80minutes. Yup i feel lazy and oh boy do i feel like i’ve cut half of my weights out which actually yes i have. 

And why??

Well it is simple, i got so annoyed with my latest admirer and his blatant staring that i grabbed my stuff and left. I know what you are all thinking it’s flattering to be eyed up but i really do not feel comfortable with such open appraisal and really wish they would be more subtle about it.If you’re looking at me and i’m not looking back then please just take a hint. A lot of the gym where i go seems to be guys since most of the women stick to the fitness classes and not so frequently weight train as i do. So far i have 3 guys who seem to check me out a lot and sure, i’m a girl, it was a tad flattering at first but trust me it rapidly gets annoying especially since i am very honest that i am taken and am not the remotest bit interested in any of them.

I guess the problem is i go to the gym to work and i mean WORK. I have my ipod and i zone out and really kick up the weights and cardio and to be honest i really do not want someone yakking in my ear while i am doing so. I need to concentrate! If i drop my weight and injure myself because you’re distracting me lets just say i’d be awfully angry. I have to say most of the guys at the gym are pretty great, they’ll chat after workouts but like me they dont want to be bothered while theyre working out so other than a quick smile and hello we dont interact. But for all that there are those who seem to treat it as some kind of pick up joint and spend half their energy looking around.

So the three guys in question??

Number one is pretty okay, he’s kinda subtle and had he not hunted me down online and sent me a very flirty message saying i had a fantastic body i should never really have noticed him looking. I have to admit he has gotten slightly more obvious since then but was fine when i told him i have a partner. He doesn’t invade my space while im training and chats only when he can see i’m not busy which i really am okay with. I dont mind this guy so much at all and am happy to be friends with him.

Number two, lets call him council guy. He has for a very very long time been staring at me since i frequently bump into him in town and he is quite blatant about it. He will stare and put himself in my eyeline catching my eye until i am forced to acknowledge him and say hello. I do not like being forced to say hello to people, i am far from antisocial but i like to choose who i wish to speak to but this guy does not care. At the gym he is very blatant and not content with a hello on first meeting he has to have me acknowledge and say hello to him EVERY time we pass. This guy engineers bumping into me so much (trust me nobody can really need THAT much water from the cooler) that dear daughter commented yesterday that this guy seems to be obsessed with me. She remarked quite loudly that surely one hello was enough then loudly announced that he was staring at my bottom. 

Number three. Now this guy is new having only latched onto me this week and now suddenly his every workout coincides with mine whereas before they did not. Another one who is very blatant about catching my eye the minute i enter the gym and there is no getting past him until i have. This guy has taken to intercepting me on the treadmill and will stand straight infront of it and start talking until out of politeness i am forced to remove my headphones and answer him. Anyone else would get the idea that someone going at a very fast incline pace with headphones on is not likely to be disposed to chatting but this guy does not care.Good manners force me to answer him and despite very terse short responses from me he was not to be deterred, even commenting at one point that his making me chat was leaving me very out of breath. When i replied that yes indeed it was he laughed and carried on. I’m sorry but HELLO???

So today it was guy number three that forced me to leave, having caught my eye the minute he walked in just by his overt here i am body gestures. I replied a quick hello and turned up my music and put my head down and carried on and he made several attempts to catch my eye and get me talking. Shortly after my spidey sense prickled that someone was behind me and a swift glance revealed this guy standing right behind my treadmill doing stretches whilst staring at my behind. Most infuriating was that he did not even have the decency to look away and stayed there despite my turning round twice more. This guy then positions himself on a rowing machine right next to me leaving his head at my crotch level and within touching distance despite the fact there was another further away. At this point i decided to get off the treadmill and head for the weights but again spidey sense prickled that i was being watched and indeed this was the case. Self consciously i put my head further and further down but it made no difference.

Well to be honest that was enough for me and i grabbed my kit and left and have decided that in future i shall be going to the gym rather earlier where i can hopefully workout in peace. Yes it is flattering when people think you are attractive and i daresay i would be very disgruntled if nobody ever looked my way but there is such a thing as being subtle. Whilst i am very receptive to such appreciative looks from my partner i am definitely not so from total strangers and such obvious staring makes me feel decidedly uncomfortable. Perhaps the fault is mine and i should learn to be more flattered but i cannot help but prefer rather a lot more subtlety in an appreciative glance. Perhaps there is something to be said for being fat after all for being called fatty is rather easier to handle.

Men are from Mars

Men baffle me.

It really is that simple. Ironically then that most of my friends are male and although my relationships have tended to be of the few but long term variety i can still safely say that even still i do not understand them at all. Perhaps the writer of the above title was correct in their analysis that women and men are from entirely different planets and personally i could well believe this. 

Whilst i can only limit my observations to those men of both past and present acquaintances i can safely say that for the most part my encounters have led me to believe that men very often do not say what they mean and more importantly do not mean what they say. Certainly my experience has been that mostly men infact tend to say very little at all  leaving those poor literal folk like myself having to guess and write the script for ourselves, often very inaccurately indeed. Imagine the hapless mess of trying to write the script when you do not infact know the story!

Admittedly, for one so perceptive i am very aware that i can be very totally oblivious to those subtle signs that i am told i am meant to pick up on. That is not to say that i NEVER see them but often those times that i do will be those occasions when i most want things to be so.This then is when i tend to ignore them assuming my own desire to see such has made me imagine them entirely. Ironically blind in more than just eyesight i expect. The bigger irony is i was always led to believe that men were the more practical creatures of the two and certainly the more literal and less cryptic. Strangely this has not been my experience at all and i find the case is more that i am the more literal and blunt, leaving them in the reversed role of more cryptic and less obvious.

Perhaps this is where such extensive reading is not such a positive thing since, for the most part in any book, the male role is often portrayed as dominant, demonstrative and often even a little forceful. Never so much so as to be unappealing but rather just that soupcon as to make him appear dashing and manly. Never then is the female counterpart left in any doubt as to his thoughts and desires since he is most willing and often eager to enlighten her. Somewhat different in these modern times then when men seem so much less articulate, instead being rather more of the reticent variety and even of the downright dishonest. 

For my own part perhaps i am guilty of taking away the mystery of any given situation but i find i never would have made a particularly good Miss Marple, i just do not see the clues you see. I can well believe that there is also a flip side to this and the world over there are men abound saying exactly the same about women, they just do not understand them. Perhaps ultimately the trick is to communicate more and not to leave to chance being understood by the other person. I learned long ago that sometimes you just have to come out and say what you wish to and risk an undesired response rather than say nothing at all and forever be wondering.

What if. 

Yes men most definitely are from Mars and perhaps it is time i began to learn a little Martian.

On dating and being a muse


I like to hope i am reasonably intelligent and articulate and i freely admit i am drawn to those similar to myself. I personally find intelligence a very appealing quality and will inevitably be drawn to this rather than looks although admittedly finding someone who is also aesthetically pleasing is a bonus in dating circles.  Alas the world i live in brings me into contact with such people most infrequently and most often my only source of intelligent conversation is one of my marathon phone calls with my gorgeously handsome best friend. 

As you can imagine it was rather refreshing to strike up a conversation with a gentleman of looks, wit and intelligence and unusually i found him rather interesting to talk to. Importantly also he could spell which after the text talk or badly spelt missives i usually receive was rather a pleasant change. Such a change also not to have to go through the rigmarole of 

”hi hows you, what do you do”

When you have replied to this kind of message for about the hundredth time believe me it gets wearing and it is very tempting to have some prewritten response that you just send to everyone who asks it. No this particular gentleman was different for he had taken time to read my profile and consequently had far more interesting things to say and also the talent of conversation.  Suffice it to say i was rather surprised when, having messaged to say he had to log off, he dropped me a short message that said i had inspired him and was his muse and as a result he had written a diary entry.

ME?? A Muse???? 

Oh how wonderfully, artistically romantic is that?? Hmmmm but then the small thought appeared that i had not seen this piece yet and it could possibly not be favourable as i was anticipating. Well wouldn’t you know it the wheels of dating were moving incredibly slowly as i awaited the required review by the powers that be and i drummed my fingers for quite some time. What if it was terrible and he had named me in it? I would have to emigrate and go and live in some remote outpost of the world!! Okay so im being dramatic but still it would mean a lot of keeping my head down and hiding from obvious censure. 

At last!! The text in question appeared on the screen and i have to admit i was impressed and i could see from which point in our conversation his observations had stemmed. Was i flattered? Well yes, of course, for far more appealing than being told you are gorgeous is the realisation that someone has listened to something you have said and it has made an impact upon them. Of course i am not so unwomanly as to not be flattered when someone tells me i am attractive, indeed far from it but i much prefer more substance to someones interactions with me. 

Fancy that, me a muse!!


Whilst i highly doubt this will rank me up there with the Mona Lisa and yes i shall probably never speak to this particular gentleman again i have to admit i am rather tickled that i should inspire anyone at all. 

Me a muse? How Amusing!!!

In a different place and time


 We all interact, meeting others on a daily basis that we barely register, lives intertwining however briefly and yet in essence even these small encounters have an effect upon the paths our lives will take. What if we hadn’t met a certain person at a certain time, would our lives have been so very different?? Would we even be here at all? Imagine if we hadnt stopped to let someone cross the road, or we hadnt been at a particular place at the very moment we were? What would our lives be like now?

An old boyfriend of mine used to say to me, after we broke up,that he wished we had met ten years earlier than we did and then things would have worked out, he seemed so certain of this at the time. I must admit i did ponder this rather a lot and debated the truth of his words. What if i HAD met him ten years earlier, long before he got himself into his unhappy situation?I did try hard to picture this and although i could clearly picture myself as i had been then i had great difficulty picturing him, i did not know the person he was back then so i had nothing to work with. Yet for sure there would have been no obstacles such as there were when i actually did meet him but would we have worked out?? I confess as much as i would have liked to answer this question in the affirmative i found that i could not for my logic prompted me that we were not the people back then that we were when we actually did meet. 

For myself i am a big believer in fate and i truly think that the people we meet are for a purpose and that they have some part to play in our destiny however brief it may be. I have thought in the past that the reason i met a certain person was simply because i was meant to, at that exact point in time because this is the point in which they were needed in my life. Perhaps the reasons were not always obvious as to why but i only know that it was so. Of course it would be wrong to assume that all these points of destiny are positive ones, indeed they are not but those also have a part in shaping us into who we are however briefly and whilst we may be quicker to discard those than the more positive it is nonetheless all part of the destiny we are intended for. 

Just occasionally you meet someone that you know in all logic you should never have met within the course of your life but some spark of fate brings them into your path in one great miraculous twist. These are the ones you know destiny had in store for your life all along and was just waiting for that exactly perfect time to introduce them to you and these are the ones that are the most special of all. No there is little you can do about destiny, i firmly believe that what will be will be and there is little we can do about the path that is meant for us. But all the better a path to walk when fate decides to send along a fellow traveller to make the journey just that little bit more worth it. 

Sweep me off my feet


Alas the dating love boat has been sailing on by without me lately. Mainly due to me for i confess i haven’t really had the enthusiasm to weed the odd potential out from amongst the ‘oh no’s’  and have pretty much avoided answering any messages sent my way. Yes i guess i do feel slightly guilty and a little bit bad mannered which really isn’t my way but any desire to chat with faceless romeos has drained away somewhat more rapidly than i expected.

I have replied to the odd one or two, more in a friendly fashion than anything else and on some whim responded to a wink from a very cute looking soldier which i wouldn’t usually do. Okay i’m strange, uniforms really don’t do that much for me. Sure they’re smart and can make a guy look good but thats it i’m afraid, you wont see me running alongside the nearest fire engine screaming help i need resuscitating!  

Some time later amid all the chat he says to me ”So do you want to be swept off your feet?”   I blinked in surprise at that, i’ve never been asked it before. Guys are usually inclined to be the sweep you off your feet kind or as in most cases they aren’t.  The question actually threw me and i sat and pondered for a while, did i want to be swept off my feet?? I’m not easily impressed i’m too practical and logical for that but it can be done and as i sat and thought about it realisation dawned. YES!! actually you know what, i do want to be swept off my feet. Just for a change i think it might be nice! Although best of luck to you if you’re bold enough to try!

This is in itself a big surprise for as much as i’m a girl (obviously) and really soppy deep down when it comes to the whole true love thing, i’m also quite a strong character and the idea of someone else being in control in a good way was novel but mildly appealing. Perhaps i am guilty of being so disillusioned with love itself that all notions of romance have long since been torn up and thrown onto the fire. Then of course as is my way i set to analysing, what exactly does being swept off your feet entail? Flowers? waste of money they only die, Chocolate? i’m on a diet….you see the problem? 

Perhaps the truth is i’m looking for someone to be a little more inventive than that, things don’t always have to cost money but something that says they know you and thought about you is far more appealing than off handedly bought chocolates that they felt obliged to buy because tradition dictated they should. Hmmmmm i guess it really intrigues me how those few truly romantic passionate natured men really view love and just what is their idea of sweeping a girl off her feet. Well as the years roll by i confess i am still yet to discover but perhaps there is potential yet. 


                                                                                                                       We shall see!!

One Lovely blog Award


okay really unladylike shriek here for the very lovely Marsha Lee of  has awarded me the Lovely Blog award!! I’d like to thank a certain vampire, my kids, the cats, the fact my butt weighs me down so i have to do something while im sitting on it, my parents for making me dysfunctionally interesting and my crazy brain that has no cut off switch between it and my mouth 😀

Okay seriously though its always flattering when someone wants to read your waffling and better still if they actually like it so a huge thankyou to anyone who sticks with me. 

As per the rules i have to

1) Thank the person who nominated me( see above) and please go follow Marsha’s blog!!

2) Tell you 7 things about me(again) okay…

1) I once smashed my sisters teeth by tying her feet to the washing pole with a skipping rope and telling her we were playing indians. She tipped forward trying to escape and hit her face on the floor OOPS!!

2) I talk to inanimate objects and frequently reprimand my vacuum cleaner

3) I sleep on my stomach like a drunken starfish

4) i own 144 pairs of knickers…..really! 

5) I’m actually a blonde

6) i have ruined at least 5 mobile phones because i keep knocking them in my coffee

7) i talk too much…………….no really??

3) I have to nominate other bloggers whose blogs i find inspiring or admire 

Okay here i stumble a bit for i haven’t managed to lock up a massive amount of blogs that i follow yet but i shall nominate those i can  Yes i have to nominate back for this lady is on my wavelength and i love reading her blog!!     Amrita Skye blaine.. love this blog so varied and well written!! puts my little burble to shame     such a positive upbeat blog another i like to keep up with    what can i say!! dont bite your tongue….definitely a good reason

4) Let all the people know that i have nominated them by commenting on their pages…….off to do that now!! 

Lastly and not required but a big thankyou to all those who suffer my ramblings in pained silence. keep reading and i shall keep blogging!!

40 something dating in a 20 something world


That’s what they used to call us although i am not so sure of the terminology now. More often applied to those 30 something career women not ready to surrender their freedom and trade in their solo lives for one of domestic bliss. Eventually just coming to symbolise anyone not in a relationship.

Yup, cue my 40s and my butt is very firmly back upon the shelf , legs swinging as i survey the world from my lofty perch. I find it very strange being up here, never really having been in the dating game i find my very few relationships have all been long term ones all resulting from existing friendships. Yes what can i say, i’ve dated my friends!!

So reaching early 40s and finding with glee that life actually does begin there i waved hello to singledom and   hauled my way up onto this shelf of mine and pondered what to do. It was definitely clear that in my somewhat rural location i was unlikely to meet the man of my dreams unless i underwent a radical personality change and swapped my pretty clothes for either wellies or a football shirt. Okay cue big shudder here..definitely not for me!!

Well it seemed there was nothing for it and i was going to have to take a paddle in the online world of dating which worried me for i had always imagined them to be the last resort of the desperate but feeling pretty gung ho i shrugged and figured what the heck what can i lose??  So after much nail tapping i came up with a profile blurb and then harassed Dear Daughter number 1 over the question of photos for i did not wish to be one of those women guilty of arriving for a date only to look 15 years older than my photo. I am SERIOUSLY lucky here for through a combination of good genes (thankyou parents for something at least) and great skincare routine i can easily pass for early 30s.

Me: (brandishing photo) does this look like me??

DD1: yes mom

Me: (waving photo under DD1’s nose) are you sure it looks like me??

DD1: YES mother it looks like you same as it did 5 minutes ago

Me: Are you REALLY SURE it looks like me i mean i dont want to be posting out of date photos??

DD1: MOTHER!!!! YES!!! it looks like you just put it on there….OKAY!!!

Okay so photo went onto the profile and i nervously sat and waited for Kiefer Sutherland to spot my youthfully witty self and declare me the woman of his dreams. Now i had very clearly stated in my profile i did not wish to date anyone more than 5 years older than myself, i’ve always been able to get away with dating men four or five years younger than myself. Generally i find men in their late thirties still have a tendency to take care of themselves yet still have that maturity that makes them very dateable. So profile posted i wandered off returning later to an email saying you have 7566 messages. Okay so i’m stretching the truth here but there were a pleasing amount of replies which was rather flatterering.

Two hours later peering at a photo of a gentleman i had presumed to be in his 50s i gaped in surprise..really?? You’re 40??

Trawling further i began to notice a trend, for these men and their profiles seemed pretty much of a muchness to me, all looked considerably older, all balding and all definitely hadnt taken care of themselves!! I pondered over what it was that made these men think that sullen faced passport photos or blurry out of date photos of them sprawled on a sofa clutching a beer were designed to snare them the woman of their dreams. Personally i am very attracted to intelligent men and stated so on my profile yet all too often some badly spelt  almost illiterate missive would land itself into my inbox leaving me howling in frustration.

Of course i was flattered, you cannot help but be so when people are interested and i politely thanked each one. BIG MISTAKE!!  Men i was definitely not interested in took my politeness for interest and i had to extricate myself from a sticky situation on several occasions.Three months later and one particular guy still winks at me daily despite my lack of reply. A most unfortunately unattractive man he, to my eyes, much resembles those gurners of old. I was rapidly coming to the conclusion that men in their 40s just dont take care of themselves these days unless they happen to be famous!!

Actually that isnt quite true for my best friend is of this age group and blessed with the same youthful genes as i. Adorably handsome with an impish charm and melting chocolate eyes he is most defintely not of the 40 something mould i was coming to experience. Although knowing him as i do he is no doubt at this point blushing furiously, protesting loudly and hiding under the bed with embarrassment. Having both doomed ourself to singledom we made a pact, he and i, that should we both be single come age 60 we shall run off and marry each other thus saving ourselves from being sad old people. Actually he thinks i was joking there but i did not like to confess that i already have a booking at the local county court for 2029!! Dum dum de dum……..

So joking aside and back to the world of dating, having weeded out a few possibilities i set about doing the meet and greet roundabout and oh boy was i in for an enlightening experience. They say women are guilty of artistic license?? well having clocked up 10 ‘meets’ so far only two actually looked anything like their photos, the others being of the ’15 years older than my photo’ ilk that i had tried so hard to avoid myself. My heart sank as each much older balding man shuffled towards me hands outstretched most clearly interested and more than happy to show it. 

With each meet the list of ‘oh no’s’ grew as i added to it ones that reminded me of my father and the one who tried to dictate to me on a first date. Cue hackles firmly raised for i do not if anything take well to being bossed around. Two that i walked past finding them totally unrecognisable joined the heap along with sexual innuendo guy and bad oral hygiene guy. So now as my inbox rocks to the tunes of the over 50s and i find myself the darling of the over 60s i despair of meeting Mr right and ponder if this dating game is for me. 

Sitting firmly on my shelf surveying the world from my lofty perch i sigh wistfully and wait for a handsome prince with intellect enough to get me down from here to come along and join me. And in the meantime i ping back another email to the meltingly handsome Miguel in Spain and consider moving to warmer climes where those romantic romeos really do look their age. 


                                                 Yes me

once upon a time

ImageAfter becoming embroiled in the intrigue and mystery of the dating game i wonder if perhaps this is all for me, frequently finding myself disappointed or left in an uncertain state of mind which suits me not at all. I wonder perhaps if my expectations are too high, from a child having loved the whimsy and unabashed romance of fairy tales and quite happily believed in ever after and true loves kiss. Now perhaps as i grew older i came to realise that princes did not after all come from foreign lands to scale the walls of my castle, take one look and beg me to be their princess forever, nor yet did they appear under my window singing love songs sure to draw the attention of neighbours for miles around but yes i still had a belief in happily ever afters and being swept off my feet. Later post fairytale years as a female i have to admit the milk tray man did little to dispel this unshakeable belief and like millions of other women waited with baited breath for some handsome man to vault through my window bearing chocolate. So as the years rolled by and potential princes were proved to be frogs i guess this lady began to wonder how much truth there is in fairy tales after all and am i perhaps too old and maybe a little naive for wanting that after all. And i guess things just arent working out just the way i thought it would, not even a prince in training on the horizon and as for being swept of my feet well i think my only chances of that lie in the path of a force 10 gale. I wonder if men know how to be romantic any more or is it some outdated notion long since left in the pages of a Jane Austen novel with the brooding but irresistible Mr Darcy and the beautiful captivating miss Elizabeth Bennet.  So i optimistically vow to try so very hard not to be disappointed if my date doesnt gaze lingeringly into my eyes and be so very reluctant to leave my company and stand in amongst a sea of frogs just waiting for the one thats just that little bit special