Escape

Image

It should have been the stuff of nightmares and for all intents and purposes it was. She imagined time would have long since faded the memories but closing her eyes she could see with startling clarity events of a long lost youth playing inside her head. Hardly anything to smile about yet her mouth curved faintly upwards as she recalled some childish attempt at freedom. So simple in its innocence yet so profound in its efficacy, making her shake her head and marvel at an ingenuity borne of desperation from one so young. Had she really believed she could live in a tree?? Perhaps too many days seeking escape in tales of adventure had clouded her thinking yet this had been a most carefully devised plan. Childish yet naively effective if one did not look too deeply and seek fault where to her there there was none. Tarpaulins!! for a roof, she had decided, to keep out the rain and rope to construct all manner of furniture. Emulating heroes cast ashore on desert islands. Forced to improvise often most improbable necessities. That she had neither the skill nor the equipment to perform either task did not occur to her and hours were whiled away planning and dreaming of liberation.Waiting for the day to come when all would be prepared and the dream would at last be a reality. However unlikely this was, it afforded her a means of being anywhere but where she was and anywhere was better than here!!

She would have to hide she decided. The risk of discovery in daylight hours was too great a risk and so beyond the witching  hour was to be her time to risk leaving the safety of her refuge in search of food and supplies. Mentally forced to criminal activities in an attempt to survive she truly believed in the effectiveness of her plan. Blithely dismissing the small pang of conscience that prickled, telling herself this was unavoidable and not an option of choice. She knew well the difference between right and wrong for hadn’t she been taught it most frequently in the cruellest of manners, yet one sufficiently adequate as to produce the desired result. Yet even this did little to deter her. Hopeless misery obliterated all reason and she was beyond anything but a small glimmer of hope sprung to life in a well used imagination. Yes, a most effective plan were you not to examine it too closely and one most frequently put into practice, in her head at least, and strangely this was often enough. You cannot harm what you cannot reach and she was far far away happily swinging in the bough of her tree and that it was not real somehow mattered not at all. Yes she remembers and sometimes if you see her turn and smile at the sound of rustling leaves you will wonder if she is once again that small child. Adventuress and dreamer and inventor of a plan only worthy of the young.

Advertisements

One day i’ll fly away

Image

I’ve never been a lover of routine. We all do it, that 9-5 plus family plus spouse responsibilities that leave us needing some semblance of order to our lives in order to know where we are in life and to function. To some degree i am like everyone else, i live the daily grind and do as i am meant to, therefore ensuring life sails on slowly by with nary a hitch. A lot of people love this routine and thrive on it, feeling a safety and security in knowing exactly how everything is going to go.

BUT I HATE IT!! 

I very rarely make appointments for anything, much preferring to do things off the cuff and maintaining the spontaneity  that is within my nature. I do not like to be tied to specific things at specific times and when forced to on a regular basis i will inevitably begin to feel suffocated. My friends laugh at me because it is a long standing joke that if i cannot walk into a salon and get my hair cut then and there i will not have it done as i refuse to make appointments. Predictability is not something that sits well with me and more than once friends have rolled their eyes as i have yearned for something exciting to happen. 

Like today.

Today i am in a rebellious mood. I am NOT going to clean my house ( i’m a tidy freak so there is little to clean anyway)  I am going to make today my off day at the gym and i am not going to do one single thing i am supposed to. I guess i have always been a bit of a free spirit, i always feel there is a touch of a hippy child in me and when routine forces me to stay indoors for any length of time i really do begin to have the feeling of being caged. This happened again today. Last night i woke in the middle of the night after an infrequent nightmare, panicking as dream me had been trapped somewhere i could not get out of. I hate this feeling, it is one that prompts me often to don my trainers and head for the nearest open space by myself. 

Just some space to breathe.

Oh do not for one minute assume i am an unhappy person, i am far from being that. I have fantastic children, amazing friends and a lovely home. Whilst i may grumble about my weight or my crazy hair i still like the person that i am and i have much to smile for. 

But yes i cannot help that untamed wild nature in me that longs for adventure, some unexpected event that frees me from this wheel that i run on day after day. I chuckle as i picture my eldest daughters face when i announced that i wanted to pack a backpack, shove some money in my pocket and hop on a train and see where i ended up.A little adventure all of my own. I had every intention of coming home and my children are old enough to fend for themselves for a while but my daughter looked aghast at me and exclaimed ”You cant do that!!” 

Why cant i??

After a lifetime of doing what i am supposed to is it really that wrong to want to actually do some things i’m not supposed to do?? Perhaps it is just kicking out at being taken for granted, some prodding reminder of all the things i do without thinking that are expected and unnoticed..at least until i stop doing them. Perhaps it is a lifetime of expectation and conformity all reaching up to settle on my shoulders keeping me firmly in my rut so that i do not try and defer from my lot and my dislike of this oppressing feeling.

But i dont want that, i want to see new places and do new things. I want adventure and surprises, something different from the norm that i have been always so used to. For today i shall be content with just rebellion, closing my front door behind me as i head for the train and something different just for once. But one day i will pack that bag and i will go in search of that adventure i so crave. I shall run along a beach at sunset, see the sunrise come up over somewhere new. Learn to swim, conquer my fear of heights and go climbing, throw snowballs in the snow and dance under the rays of the sun. One day i shall do all of this. 

One day i’ll fly away.