A Toy Story

No matter how old you are there is always a small part of you that never grows up. Some inner child that refuses to be tamed and see’s the fun and delight in everything no matter how small. For many this is something they never let out whilst in others that childlike quality sets forth, breaking free at every chance it gets. 

I am for the most part a lady and proud to be so but my inner child refuses to be squashed and i take great delight in being spontaneous and having fun. Match this with someone with all the qualities of a woodland imp and you have my boyfriend and i. So, a recent trip to London whilst beginning sedately was never likely to stay that way given the nature of the pair of us. Of course there is only one place in London to take your inner child and that is Hamleys, biggest toystore in the city. Now i have never been to Hamleys although my partner has and knew what to expect as we descended upon its colourful doorways….

Arriving in a cloud of soap bubbles my eyes did not know where to look and thus did not see the impending attack from a London Souvenir teddy bear. Those things have teeth you know and more than once i had to fight for my life and defend my as yet unbitten neck as it staged an all out assault upon my person. Aided and abetted by the dastardly vampire (aka boyfriend) i was most definitely under attack from all directions and seeking refuge amongst the Steiff bears. A cunning plan here since Steiff toys are far too costly to be involved in any rebellion and as a slow meander through their ranks ensued a cease fire was forced upon him. 

Breaking cover and dashing for the awaiting soft toy army this time the fight was on and team Panda fought back bravely, spurred on by pink fluffy teddy and big white curly teddy. Sensing a lowering of guard a joint assault from white curly teddy and General Panda, sent the afore mentioned sailing through the air to land squarely upon the king vampires nose. Direct hit!!! A most comical look of surprise and round one to team panda with vampire in hot pursuit as teddy bear armies sailed across the shop floor discreetly ignored by passing shop assistants yet not by small children staring open mouthed at the grown up warfare. 

Cameo performance by extortionately priced small bat preceded nostalgic wander through a colourful array of fluffy animals at this time heeding the temporary truce. Definite crossing of legs at this point as team Panda hurtled for the toilets hurling a brief ”i will find you” over a departing shoulder. Ah those immortal lines from Last of the Mohicans that saw a desperate Daniel Day Lewis hunting the wilderness for his kidnapped lady love.

Skidding only briefly to a halt to coo over a veritable Wonkafest of colourfully arranged confectionery team Panda speeded through a brief pit stop before negotiating the stairs and the previous whereabouts of team vampire. Despite the assistance of badly synced navigation equipment and triple circumnavigation of the arena the whereabouts of the mysterious vampire remained a mystery, definitely not a Mohican in the making then. All efforts exhausted in true childlike style Team Panda observed the golden rule reinforced on a regular basis throughout childhood..if you get lost stay where you are and we will find you. So as the desperately lost Team Panda languished in a magical doorway between worlds, Team Vampire was far far away hypnotised by an evil demon and his magical flying saucer. Time passed so slowly as Team Panda desperately waited for the vampire to escape the supernatural forces that compelled him and come to her rescue. Magical sorcerers appeared from the gloom hoping to tempt team Panda into submitting with offers of assistance but the Panda held firm and waited for her twilight hero to find her.

Saved only by a mysterious communication device the vampire had smuggled with him he came swiftly to the rescue and amid a cloud of rainbow bubbles they made good their escape into the outside world. Leaving behind an army of no small proportions they plot and plan for the next ensuing battle between teams P:anda and Vampire. Out in the grown up world a happy truce reigns but Team Panda will be forever on their guard for one never knows when vampires might attack.

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the art of procrastination

Procrastination…

We all do it, even those most decisive of us are guilty of it to some degree or other and i alas am no exception. I blame the little pandas for it is entirely their fault and as they sit one on each shoulder pulling faces at each other behind my back i roll my eyes in resignation.

One, a total goody two shoes is the voice of reason and sensibility with a knack for making me feel guilty whenever i deliberate about a task in hand. The other in total contrast more devil may care with a cheeky nature and a ‘don’t care’ attitude, takes great delight in urging me to rebel and do everything that i know i should not. Whilst the latter is definitely more fun she is much more inclined to lead me astray and push me into the most terrible of bad habits.

So cue an early Sunday morning and as i crawled out of bed at an earlier time than usual i walked sleepily into the laundry hamper and hurtled into the bathroom with Goody cooing good morning on my left shoulder. Naughty was at this point peering through a mad tangle of hair and growling something that sounded like 

”What time of the morning do you call this!!”

Actually it is pretty hard to decipher anything sensible through a muffled tangle of hair but we will take it as said. Dutifully making coffee shortly after Goody is gleefully hopping up and down at the thought of yoghurt and fruit whilst Naughty is mutinously sitting cross legged demanding a biscuit to go with the coffee and muttering about deserving something after being hauled from her bed so early on a Sunday morning. Well since i was in no mood to listen to the constant complaining there seemed to be nothing for it but to oblige and shut her up even if just for a little while.

As per every other morning Goody was not to be phased and moved on to loading the washing machine whilst Naughty added further protests to her already grumpy diatribe, loudly lamenting the amount of noise coming from a rapidly filling appliance. Most annoyed she demanded crossly to be taken back upstairs and returned to bed to drink coffee in comfort since she had a dislike of the cold floor of the kitchen. Of course she again won in her demands for tv to accompany the coffee and swiftly threw a cushion at her saintly counterpart, knocking her firmly from my shoulder leaving her to begin the long journey back to her perch. 

Decidedly under the influence of the now smug Naughty a Sunday morning passed in total idleness and it was not until a slightly ruffled Goody hauled her saintly form back onto her lofty perch that i began to feel perhaps just a tad lazy. As she slid down my stomach and prodded the spare inch at the top of my thigh for dramatic effect i guiltily slunk downstairs to retrieve clean gym kit and dispatch my now empty coffee cup into the sink. To say naughty was far from impressed was an understatement as she emerged blearily from beneath the pile of crumbs she had been using as a duvet. 

Battle commences as the two war over how to spend a Sunday and i watch helplessly as the time ticks away whilst they fight. At least i am ready so should my saintly saviour win out i have only to leave the house but Naughty it seems is not to be bested so easily on this occasion. Naughty does not like the gym you see and would much prefer to spend her afternoon in total leisure for, as she reminds me frequently, it is meant to be a day of rest. So today i may or may not be going to the gym, just as i may or may not be having a lazy afternoon. Infact i really have no idea what i am doing today.

I do wish they would hurry up!! 

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A Toy Story

No matter how old you are there is always a small part of you that never grows up. Some inner child that refuses to be tamed and see’s the fun and delight in everything no matter how small. For many this is something they never let out whilst in others that childlike quality sets forth, breaking free at every chance it gets. 

I am for the most part a lady and proud to be so but my inner child refuses to be squashed and i take great delight in being spontaneous and having fun. Match this with someone with all the qualities of a woodland imp and you have my boyfriend and i. So, a recent trip to London whilst beginning sedately was never likely to stay that way given the nature of the pair of us. Of course there is only one place in London to take your inner child and that is Hamleys, biggest toystore in the city. Now i have never been to Hamleys although my partner has and knew what to expect as we descended upon its colourful doorways….

Arriving in a cloud of soap bubbles my eyes did not know where to look and thus did not see the impending attack from a London Souvenir teddy bear. Those things have teeth you know and more than once i had to fight for my life and defend my as yet unbitten neck as it staged an all out assault upon my person. Aided and abetted by the dastardly vampire (aka boyfriend) i was most definitely under attack from all directions and seeking refuge amongst the Steiff bears. A cunning plan here since Steiff toys are far too costly to be involved in any rebellion and as a slow meander through their ranks ensued a cease fire was forced upon him. 

Breaking cover and dashing for the awaiting soft toy army this time the fight was on and team Panda fought back bravely, spurred on by pink fluffy teddy and big white curly teddy. Sensing a lowering of guard a joint assault from white curly teddy and General Panda, sent the afore mentioned sailing through the air to land squarely upon the king vampires nose. Direct hit!!! A most comical look of surprise and round one to team panda with vampire in hot pursuit as teddy bear armies sailed across the shop floor discreetly ignored by passing shop assistants yet not by small children staring open mouthed at the grown up warfare. 

Cameo performance by extortionately priced small bat preceded nostalgic wander through a colourful array of fluffy animals at this time heeding the temporary truce. Definite crossing of legs at this point as team Panda hurtled for the toilets hurling a brief ”i will find you” over a departing shoulder. Ah those immortal lines from Last of the Mohicans that saw a desperate Daniel Day Lewis hunting the wilderness for his kidnapped lady love.

Skidding only briefly to a halt to coo over a veritable Wonkafest of colourfully arranged confectionery team Panda speeded through a brief pit stop before negotiating the stairs and the previous whereabouts of team vampire. Despite the assistance of badly synced navigation equipment and triple circumnavigation of the arena the whereabouts of the mysterious vampire remained a mystery, definitely not a Mohican in the making then. All efforts exhausted in true childlike style Team Panda observed the golden rule reinforced on a regular basis throughout childhood..if you get lost stay where you are and we will find you. So as the desperately lost Team Panda languished in a magical doorway between worlds, Team Vampire was far far away hypnotised by an evil demon and his magical flying saucer. Time passed so slowly as Team Panda desperately waited for the vampire to escape the supernatural forces that compelled him and come to her rescue. Magical sorcerers appeared from the gloom hoping to tempt team Panda into submitting with offers of assistance but the Panda held firm and waited for her twilight hero to find her.

Saved only by a mysterious communication device the vampire had smuggled with him he came swiftly to the rescue and amid a cloud of rainbow bubbles they made good their escape into the outside world. Leaving behind an army of no small proportions they plot and plan for the next ensuing battle between teams P:anda and Vampire. Out in the grown up world a happy truce reigns but Team Panda will be forever on their guard for one never knows when vampires might attack.

Just because i can’t

Well today i decided to go into the next town and do some grocery shopping which is pretty rare for me. Usually i shop online for i detest supermarkets with a passion especially in the school holidays. Then the whole place will be packed with children running around and throwing the usual tantrum to persuade some harassed parent to purchase some greedily coveted item that they had no intention of buying until this moment. I am sure there are well behaved children out and about with mindful parents but never on the occasions when i venture into the vicinity. 

However today being no gym day i felt the need to get ample bottom moving and so opted to forgo the usual online saving grace and hop on the train and forage for myself. Yes, as i had predicted, the place was packed. Tearful wails from some departing child greeted my arrival as he was hauled roughly away by some potty mouthed parent who really should know better but clearly did not care. Standing patiently waiting for a congregation to move from the doorway so that i could collect a basket didn’t quite set my eyes rolling but i was a little annoyed that people are so unconcerned with their surroundings as to appear rude to those others around. Clearly most did not care that they were blocking the entrance and showed little sign of moving along until urged to do so by a hovering shop assistant.

So to my mission, now dieting so far has been reasonably easy since mostly i have stuck to online and only ordered what i knew i could have.Temptation limited to only colourful images on screen that are so much more easily dismissed.  Standing in a brightly lit colourful store full of goodies was another matter as the piped smell of donuts drifted past my nose and my stomach gave a most obliging growl. I adore donuts, hell who am i kidding i have a terrible sweet tooth and adore most any kind of sweet treat! Had i been naturally slim i would have at this moment been in heaven and gleefully planning what to buy but whilst mouth and stomach collaborated on a yes please vote, head emphatically vetoed this and refused. 

Oh trust me it just wasn’t the same marching determinedly towards the fresh fruit when honestly i just wanted to sit on the floor in the bakery and scoff jam donuts and pecan plaits. DROOL!! Just leave me here and come back for me later. i’ll be fine honestly!! 

I really do deserve a medal for being so stoic in the face of such adversity and even now am debating contacting The Queen and asking for special consideration. Marching around the rest of the store was little better as peanut butter and digestive biscuits both called my name and waved. Things i would never normally buy when not on a diet started hurling themselves from on the shelves in my direction chortling maniacally and daring me to resist. But i battled on with a fortitude worthy of Alexander The Great, bravely scattering all before me and defeating every foe.

Sausage roll was almost my undoing for this week i have been ruthlessly stalked by one wherever i went. Now pre diet were i to enter a bakery i should never buy a sausage roll, instead opting for a sandwich for my biggest weakness is definitely bread. This week however i have been stalked and fixated with a giant sausage roll that barely stopped short of wrestling me to the ground and wiping out any remaining will power. This phenomenon even took over my dreams and nocturnal adventures being chased by the giant pastry were abound.

BUT WHY???

Simple, because i cant have it!! How ironic is it that you never want something until you are told you can’t and then it turns into the most coveted thing in the world!! And so it was for me,for i would never dream of eating half of these things yet today i could have quite happily consumed the lot. Even those things as i am not so fond like chocolate cake would have quite happily been deemed edible by me at this point. 

Thankfully at this point willpower is still pretty strong but it was rather enlightening comparing my basket of saintly healthy food with the shoppers at the next checkout who clearly knew the meaning of the word indulgence! Still this has hardened my resolve to avoid supermarkets in future and hide behind my very safe from temptation laptop and the convenient world of online shopping. In the meantime i am seriously hoping this sausage roll will cease its amorous advances and leave me in peace. Oh to be slim!! 

Distinct Lack of Manners

Well for those of you who don’t know Dear Daughter number 1 is getting married in march. Yes oh boy do i feel old as this in effect makes me mother of the bride, an image that conjures up middle aged woman in mauve two piece skirt suits and fussy hats. I definitely do not feel old enough to be mother of anything let alone mother of the bride and you most certainly will not see me dressed in such a way at the altar!!

Mostly the wedding is fine, all is plodding along nicely until Dear Daughter begins to enlighten me about her soon to be relations who are apparently of the super religious variety. Now don’t get me wrong i have no objection to this and stoutly believe that each to their own and nobody should be subject to derision or prejudice pertaining to their beliefs. What i do object to however are those who forcefully impose their beliefs on others and potential relative being a rather effusive American preacher seems to have a tendency to do just that. 

Even for this i can make allowances for just one day as long as this does not interfere with the choices of the bride and groom whose wedding it happens to be however, judging from dear daughters accounts, the wife of said minister cares little for this, being a dominant controlling character. I could sense Dear Daughters annoyance as, having pre-warned by soon to be mother in law that this woman will try and control the wedding and have things to HER own liking, she related events to me. So this lady first expresses annoyance that their engagement was announced to friends and distant family via facebook (their choice) and that this lady did not receive a personal written notification. My eyebrows raised at this but i remained silent as the tale continued with this lady insistently pushing towards her husband performing the marriage ceremony. 

Now Dear Daughter and Almost Son in Law are getting married in church and seemed to favour a traditional church service held locally and performed by the local vicar but it seems this lady thinks differently and continues to forcefully push her point, regardless of the wishes of the couple. Now my hackles raised slightly at this for this woman is nothing to do with my daughter, has never met her and ultimately will only be an aunt by marriage at the end of it. I do not like pushy people and nobody is going to decide MY daughters wedding except for her Fiance and herself and already the lines of battle are drawn as i am not a person to rile when it comes to those i love.  

As dear daughter continued to inform me of Almost Mother In Laws warnings that soon to be relation would seek to criticise and reorganise every part of the day i had already decided I shall not take to this woman at all. So it was with no surprise that I logged onto Facebook today and clicked on a photograph my daughter had been tagged in by this woman. Now my daughter was not actually IN this picture and was infact a photograph of the preacher but nonetheless she had been tagged to bring it to her attention with the caption underneath stating

He can still do the wedding you know’

Oh Lady carry on for you and i are set to do battle and believe me you shall not win! Perhaps your lord should have seen fit to teach you some manners and decorum for it really is not the done thing to impose your will upon others. Yes hackles are firmly raised and although i shall be very polite and respectful you can be sure that the lady in question will not be gaining the forceful control she seems to be so desirous of.

Sorry dear this time you have met your match!!