When sometimes you’re the only one to blame


I seem to have one of those natures where people often ask my advice, unfailingly practical and with a no frills bluntness that doesnt always get well received. Usually this is due to the fact that when asking advice people often do not really WANT your opinion, they merely wish you to parrot what they wish to hear in order to make them feel better. I have always warned my friends ‘if you do not actually want my advice then please dont ask for it’ Simple. 

Recently teen daughter has been having dramas with boyfriend and comes looking for advice which im happy to dole out and always have a free ear because i love her and dont like to see her upset. She listens but then the merry go round swings again and theyre back to square one because she chooses to disregard what i say since it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. I know i’m just some crazy old mom who was never a teenager, what do i know right?? 

Today she came to me with a cry i have heard from many of my friends ‘He treats me like rubbish’ followed by a wail and dissolving into tears. Now please dont think i’m heartless i am far from this but my practical advice has always been the same to every single one of them..

”they can only treat you how you ALLOW them to treat you”

The simple fact is keep permitting this treatment and you are giving off signals galore that this is acceptable and you are agreeable to it. The only way to stop being treated the way you are is to break the cycle and make it clear you are NOT going to tolerate it. Teen daughter then wailed ‘you should hear how he talks to me on the phone mum’ and i had to gently point out that she ALLOWED him to speak to her that way and that if he doesn’t get the message when she tells him she wont put up with it then she should just refuse to speak to him until he gets the idea.


Perhaps i seem harsh, im really not im actually very caring but i see no sense in dispensing advice if it is not constructive for in that case it really is no advice at all. If all you need is a hug and a shoulder to cry on ive got more than enough of both and will always be there with that and a box of tissues. However having been on the receiving end of much bad treatment in my time i accept that in some small degree the person behaving that way is  at fault but ultimately the real blame lies with me for allowing it to keep happening. 

Sometimes when things keep occurring you just need to take a step back and have a long hard look at the things you tolerate and accept without question even when they are far from good for you. Because in the end you can only be treated the way you allow yourself to be and if this isn’t the way you would like then maybe the only one to blame is you!!

The unhuman nature of human nature


One cannot help but notice lately the drastic change in the nature of the people we are, news channels are abound with stories of people needing help who were frequently ignored by those who could so easily have rendered aid. I recall not so long ago watching a report on tv of a small 2 year old girl who having been wandering in a road was hit by a van and left dying in the road. No less than 18 people pass and ignore this small child including a second driver who also runs over this child before driving off. 18 people how inhumane and horrifying is that, think about it and then ask yourself what would you do?

Me? i know what i would do, i purposely trained with St Johns ambulance and would and have happily jumped straight in to help for i had always assumed this is automatically what anyone would do but it is actually horrifying that the reality is most people would not. Presumably this is not helped by the presence of our ‘sue for anything’ culture, indeed during training we were actually told stories of first aiders having been sued by the victims blaming them for injuries they claim were sustained during life saving attempts. That threw me, i really was horrified by that and it made me worry a little about my own impulsive tendency to just jump right on in there.Yet for all that i know i would still do the same for it is not in my nature to deny help when i could so easily give it. 

The mind boggles, does this mean would people prefer to be left to die? For they surely would in many cases were it not for the timely intervention of some well meaning saviour and yet it seems the thought of financial recompense far outweighs any other consideration least of all their own potential mortality. Time was when anyone would extend a hand to help a fellow human being, it was just considered natural and none would ever hesitate to do so. These days people seem so much more self absorbed and that sense of community so lacking that you often wonder what would happen should any harm befall you. 

I guess i had never really taken much notice but thinking back i realise how often people have been surprised when i offered to help, almost as though they were not used to having it offered to them and this makes me sad for it should not be this way. A hand should always be offered if it is needed and we should never have to think twice about doing so. I certainly hope that should i ever be the one needing it then that helping hand would be offered to me and regardless i shall always continue to hold out mine when i can. I am a true believer in it only taking one person to make a difference. Now all we need are a few more to think the same.

The shake rattle and roll of a diet queen

I never used to be health conscious, i guess like most people i sailed through my teens and twenties without a single thought of what i was eating, i just ate it and that was that. Health and fitness wasn’t exactly big business in the 80s, at least if it was i really didnt notice, not until the last few years when this whole healthy business really started to boom. Only when having to tackle a weight problem myself in the early noughties did i actually sit back and look at my horrendous diet.


I have done something about it, radically changing the way i eat and choosing a much healthier option, ditching junk and red meat and loading up on the veg, fruit, white meat and fish. But i’m a carb junkie, i cant help it and would happily live on sandwiches forever ( admittedly i did swap to wholegrain bread) and my downfall the biscuit tin. A whole day of wonderfully healthy eating ruined by furtive biscuit snatching and guilty justification means perhaps i’m not QUITE as healthy as i’d like to be. 

Tv i find does little to help being flooded with shows on health and obesity and i confess i do record shows like Biggest Loser and Fat Surgeons and things like that so i can watch them and scare myself into being good. A little bit of a case of ‘therefore but for the grace of god’ if you will. It works!! For me this works and i will avoid the biscuit tin for a while, i guess my fear of getting fat again is enough of a deterrent in that quarter although i realise i should just have enough willpower to resist on my own. So lately i have made a real decision to put some effort into my health and i am sticking to my healthy diet, no biscuits (yay go me!!) and trying to be more conscious of only eating when i actually AM hungry and not through some awful ingrained habit.


Healthy yes, and so i trotted off to the health food store determined to help myself as much as i could (maybe a slight tv show brainwashing in force here) and loaded up on vitamins and things. A-Z vitamins and minerals?? Oh yes we need those we have to be deficient in SOMETHING ( yes talking about oneself in the plural is a bad habit of mine) Evening primrose?? Oh yes that too, not sure why exactly but its good for women right?? Cod liver oil?? oh yes extra strength i dont want to be getting arthritis when i’m old do i??  Kelp tablets?? Boost your metabolism? Oh well we DEFINITELY need those then!! My hand hovered over the Adios, i’ve seen this on tv and its meant to help with weight loss right?? Okay so we threw that in too along with a bumper pack of vitamin c and zinc and some herbal tea stuff.

Funnily enough they gave me a reward points card when i went to pay ( i wonder why??) and i trotted off home with all this stuff merrily rattling in my bag. I swear the people on the bus must’ve thought i was an addict or something as i rattled my way up the aisle. Super healthy me here i come….Right??

Well i’ve been taking this stuff for about a month now and i’m not sure if i’m supposed to feel any different. Energy levels..pretty much the same, i still crawl out of bed in a morning yawning like crazy and feeling like i got run over by the sandmans truck as he left my room. Hair and skin i must confess look loads better!! Hair is growing like crazy and skin is clearer and less dull so i guess something is going right. I dont feel so achey so i guess perhaps again there is something in this cod liver oil thing but as for the rest well hmmmmm i dont know. 

Adios, i must touch on this. Its meant to be a herbal kind of diet pill but for me i cant say that this has any effect at all. One thing i will warn you is it makes you feel very VERY sick. Perhaps this is the intention and if you feel queasy enough you won’t want to eat and ultimately will lose weight but after a month i cant say that this has done anything for me at all. One other thing, it is a diurectic too so it makes you pee…a lot!! 

So early morning and i’m lining up the pills with my morning coffee and coming to the conclusion that i must rattle like a tube of smarties when i walk. ~perhaps i’ll have to wait until i’m an old gal before i notice if any of it was worth it and if all my friends start dropping like flies and i’m still standing i’ll know it was. Darn the tv for making me feel guilty perhaps i should go and start watching reruns of Bonanza or something and avoid all these super healthy programmes altogether. Still at least as i dance around my lounge with the duster i’ve got a little added percussion to join me. Who needs maracas!!

Why do birds run??


Today the sun smiled at me through my window and it beckoned me to come outside. I protested at first that i had work to do but it smiled again and said come out to play. So i did, i am nothing if not obliging and who was i to refuse such a request especially since it had rained and rained for so long i was thinking of changing my name to Noah. So i skipped off outside and caught a train to the next town and spent the next few hours nosing around shops and stopping for lunch ( subway of course!!) which is rare for me because i usually hate shopping and do most of it online. Yes you heard right i’m a girl and i hate shopping!! I’m okay for an hour or so and then i get bored and go plonk myself down in the park with my kindle. 

Some time later idly sitting at the bus stop i was absorbed in watching a little bird running around in the road, rather worriedly for this is a busy bus route and i didn’t want the little guy to get run over. Actually to be honest i was only half watching him, the other half of me being absorbed in trying to eat an orange juice lolly without it melting all over my lovely white shirt. As i sat and pondered the little bird a bus came thundering by and i squeaked in alarm convinced the little bird had met his fate between the huge wheels but no, here he came scuttling along from between the back wheels and resuming his wandering in the road. I have absolutely no idea why he was running around in circles, perhaps hoping for stray crumbs to be dropped from one of the nearby passengers waiting at the various shelters but he was definitely determined to remain where he was. 

Several times a bus or car thundered by and each time this little guy came dancing along between the wheels and by now he had most definitely earned my admiration for whether it be bravery or just sheer stupidity this tiny little bird ( a wagtail) had no intention of giving ground and retreating. I watched him curiously for quite some time this little winged daredevil and i mused on why he risked running around between the wheels on such tiny little legs when he could so easily fly out of reach and then return. Clearly he knew something i did not for he continued doggedly dashing back and forth. Sadly i had to leave him behind but i hope he got his reward for he truly deserved it but with such a beautiful pair of wings i guess i’ll never understand, why do birds run??

When its all just down to Mr Benn

I remember back when i was small ( yes trust me i can remember back that far) and one thing i always remember is a childrens tv show called Mr Benn. Short little cartoons where an ordinary unassuming little man in his ordinary little bowler hat would take a trip to a fancy dress shop and try on a different outfit every time and disappear on a wonderful adventure to be an astronaut, a wizard or even a roman gladiator. Back then i imagined it to be so very wonderful to magically be someone else just by putting on another hat and yes i wanted to go to that little fancy dress shop and be a princess or a ballerina or perhaps something even more wonderful than that. I wanted to be Mr Benn…..

All grown up now and i had to smile when recently i stumbled across a reference to the adventurous Mr Benn but then as i sat and looked at the pictures a thought occurred to me that never would have as a child. Mr Benn went into that shop so often and came out as someone, but never once did he go through that magical door choosing to be just himself. In my own way i am my very own Mr Benn, the very person my childhood self  had always wanted to be but somehow it doesnt seem as magical as i thought it would. A lifetime spent wearing different hats, mother, daughter, sister, wife and in all of them im somebody else and limited by the dictates that the outfit provides. Somehow as time went by i realised i was so busy being what everyone else expected me to be i forgot about the most important character of all…ME. 

How often in our lives do we strive to impress others, those who actually really do not matter at all since they are not an essential part of our lives but merely passing through. Yet we change ourselves to impress when in reality what we should say is ..this is me accept me. Strange how we feel the need to be perceived in such a positive light by people who do not know us, mostly never will and who at the end of the day will not give us another passing thought as they go about their own busy lives. Why should they? We are nothing to them beyond those brief points in which we interact, once over resuming to as it was before.  Ultimately when doors are closed and we are all alone the only thing we see looking back at us is our own face in the mirror, but are we really looking at ourselves or have we tried so hard to be what we think will impress that we have lost all sense of what makes us who we are. Who do you see when you look in the mirror?

I used to be that way, so desperate to please and to be liked. Strange that i wanted to be liked for someone who did not exist rather than the one who was there all along. Now….this is me, accept me for i shall not change. And if you like me i shall know you like me just for myself and nothing more than that.

Mr Benn? No i don’t want to be Mr Benn. Do you?

I am Panda, and Panda is me. 

Inspiring blog Award

Well amongst wails of pain i was both surprised and delighted to receive a message from the lovely Marsha Lee  http://tchistorygal.wordpress.com/ nominating me the Inspiring Blog Award  (please follow her because she has a beautifully written blog that i love to follow and i know you will too)

I never thought of myself as inspiring, a little batty maybe but never really inspiring. I love to make people smile i’m a hugely positive person and if i can brighten someones day i will and if i can make them laugh even better. So thankyou Marsha both for the nomination and for ‘getting’ me enough to laugh along with my daily craziness xx  

As per the rules of nominations i have to:

1) Thank the lovely person who nominated me (see above)

2) share 7 things about yourself (okay here goes)

1)  I’m a history buff..i have a mad fascination with Henry VIII, Elizabeth I and the Titanic

2) I’m a hopeless romantic that still believes in fairy tales even if i pretend not to

3) I never believed i could write but now thanks to my best friend i’ve even started on a book but nobody has seen it except for him…maybe one day.

4) I was never educated beyond high school level and gained all my other knowledge through reading like crazy.

5) I love documentaries whether they be natural history, science, true life or history and recently sat glued to a programme about wormholes in space

6) Sometimes even i just need a hug

7) I’m a chocaholic

 3) Nominate 15 other blogs that i love or that inspire me. Again i dont have 15 although i’m gaining a few more as the weeks go by but the ones i love so far are…..

http://tonyalatorre.wordpress.com/     this blog pretty much speaks for itself, i was both awed and blown away by it from the minute i saw it and if any blog is inspiring then this one certainly is

http://workthedream.wordpress.com/    another recent discovery but this lady is so positive and inspiring and if you havent discovered her yet please please take a look for i defy you not to be impressed and humbled

http://oneofthe20percent.wordpress.com/  again so positive and so worthy of the title inspiring. one i definitely will keep following so please take a look

http://madamezizi.wordpress.com/  a beautiful and upbeat blog 

4) And lastly i need to let all these lovely people know that i am sending this award this way and to let them know their blogs touched me. So many great ones and i hope i discover many more as i go along.

I have discovered such a love of writing, such peace in being able to express myself upon a page and in a way to bring out a person who was buried away for a very long time. All i lacked was encouragement and someones faith in me that i had something to give and i never had that until one very special person came along. He inspired me and encouraged me and saw something in this crazy girl that nobody ever did and that i was too afraid to. His name is Jay and he is my best friend and my ‘person’ and i hope he knows how much i love and adore him, not just for what he does for me but just for being who he is. I hope one day he can look in the mirror and see the man that i see and i for one should not want to be without him. I love you JayJay xx


To my fellow writers and readers, keep the dream alive for you never know when you in turn will inspire someone else.  All it takes is a little paying forward and we could all be the writing generation of tomorrow. 

One Lovely blog Award


okay really unladylike shriek here for the very lovely Marsha Lee of http://tchistorygal.wordpress.com/about/  has awarded me the Lovely Blog award!! I’d like to thank a certain vampire, my kids, the cats, the fact my butt weighs me down so i have to do something while im sitting on it, my parents for making me dysfunctionally interesting and my crazy brain that has no cut off switch between it and my mouth 😀

Okay seriously though its always flattering when someone wants to read your waffling and better still if they actually like it so a huge thankyou to anyone who sticks with me. 

As per the rules i have to

1) Thank the person who nominated me( see above) and please go follow Marsha’s blog!!

2) Tell you 7 things about me(again) okay…

1) I once smashed my sisters teeth by tying her feet to the washing pole with a skipping rope and telling her we were playing indians. She tipped forward trying to escape and hit her face on the floor OOPS!!

2) I talk to inanimate objects and frequently reprimand my vacuum cleaner

3) I sleep on my stomach like a drunken starfish

4) i own 144 pairs of knickers…..really! 

5) I’m actually a blonde

6) i have ruined at least 5 mobile phones because i keep knocking them in my coffee

7) i talk too much…………….no really??

3) I have to nominate other bloggers whose blogs i find inspiring or admire 

Okay here i stumble a bit for i haven’t managed to lock up a massive amount of blogs that i follow yet but i shall nominate those i can

http://tchistorygal.wordpress.com/about/  Yes i have to nominate back for this lady is on my wavelength and i love reading her blog!! 

http://skyeblaine.wordpress.com/     Amrita Skye blaine.. love this blog so varied and well written!! puts my little burble to shame

http://betweenfearandlove.com/     such a positive upbeat blog another i like to keep up with

http://dontbiteyourtongue.wordpress.com/    what can i say!! dont bite your tongue….definitely a good reason

4) Let all the people know that i have nominated them by commenting on their pages…….off to do that now!! 

Lastly and not required but a big thankyou to all those who suffer my ramblings in pained silence. keep reading and i shall keep blogging!!

a bit of a brain burble

You’ve just gotta love days off!! Mine is an extra excuse to sit online subjecting all and sundry to totally inane and irrelevant ramblings and sitting chuckling to myself at random things that pop into my head. Is it a bad thing when you make yourself laugh?? Does it have some hidden meaning that means im  totally devoid of personality and wit?? i hope not because in my head im terribly funny, i have those moments where out of the blue i sit and giggle uncontrollably at something causing everyone else to giggle too yet being unable to get the words out to explain why i’m laughing. I think in the past they used to call it insanity i could be wrong!!


My brain has a mind of its own. Yes i know thats a terribly comical statement and perhaps contradictory but its true it does!! Whatever i’m thinking about or daydreaming about anything ( yes number one dreamer here i have diplomas!!) it butts in with something else totally random and unrelated and im sitting there thinking ‘where did that come from??’   I have come to the conclusion i have a head full of the most useless facts in the universe that serve no purpose at all except for the fact that i know them. I mean for instance did you know if you lick a stamp you eat 1/10th of a calorie? i do but why on earth do i know that?okay note to self not to go and work in the post office then!!


Talking about post offices i am at present on parcel watch at dear daughter number one’s house. okay admittedly the parcels are for me but that’s totally beside the point. Thanks to the storm outside i got here rather faster than i would’ve liked looking for all the world like i had come out of a washing machine on the extra spin cycle which trust me is not a good look. Drowned rat springs to mind??


Oh so anyway back to parcel watch, i’m sitting here cold and damp with no tv ( yup the wind knocked out the freeview signal) when the doorbell rings. Now DD lives in a third floor apartment with a courtyard in the roof so you kinda have to be quick when the bell rings and hurtle down two flights of stairs crossing the courtyard inbetween. So i raced for the door shoving my feet into the quickest shoes by the door which unfortunately happened to be clogs( fortunately DD and i are the same size)  and race across the courtyard for the second set of stairs only to skid on the very wet floor and propel myself into the arms of the advancing postman. Clogs on a mossy wet floor clearly werent a good idea and also my socks were rather soaked which didnt help matters much. 

Okay so i’m female and i admit had the postman looked anything like Kiefer Sutherland i would have been most happy to fling myself into his path and would not have apologised at all but since this postman although lovely could have almost been my father the situation was slightly more embarassing. Yet another reminder to self…slow down woman!! 

Oh yes so anyway back to burbling, brain and i are having a wonderful time deciding what to write. We ramble you see and we’re full of nonsense and since we have the whole day to sit and ponder a universe of totally useless facts who knows what we will come up with between us. 

Oh by the way did you know a giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue?? i did !! 😀