The road to hell

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It’s official, im doomed. I’m going straight to hell on the back of Chris Rea’s motorbike, one way no stops, no collecting £200 as i pass go but going full speed down to hell.

It all began with a cheese sandwich you see. Now i know youre chuckling or thinking i’m mad but this really is serious stuff here.  Hunting frantically through the fridge for something for lunch i had happily decided  on tuna, you know that nice healthy fishy thing i eat a ton of. The trouble was i only get a very short lunch break and glancing at the tuna and then at the clock i concluded, after wondering just how fast i could chew, that there was no way i was going to be able to make the darned stuff and eat it too.  Typically this just had to coincide with the day the supermarket was all out of my favourite roast ham so there was nothing else around.

”EAT ME”

Erm excuse me?

”I said…EAT ME”

Okay nobody believes me here but food really does talk to me, i mean do i look like a skinny person?  But really it does and right about now a bag of grated cheese was flexing in my direction and urging me in a rather sexy drawl to eat him. I wavered..really i did and loyally glanced back at the tuna i know i should eat. I’m on a diet you see and i really do have to be good since i have had a few extra pounds donated my way of late.

”EAT ME”

ohhhhh really?? okay i crumpled..i was hungry and time was ticking by so i crumbled and gave in much to the smug delight of mr cheddar himself. Believe it or not i am usually quite resolute once i am on a diet and can lose the excess quite quickly and easily but i have this awful no mans land where i waver.  If i am not in the zone it only takes a very small nudge at my resolve and i crumple to indulgent abandon. 

I’m a typical Taurean what can i say? We love to eat, alas eating does not always love us back. Many a battle with the scales will follow although in definitely much more on the winning side than i used to be. Still i did feel rather terrible giving in to the lure of the cheese and hastily smothered the urge to turn into Britney Spears and skip around the kitchen singing Oops i did it again. Of course i shall now feel terribly guilty for the rest of the day, never eat again and eventually die of total shame.

So there you have it. One minute i think im safe in my nice little kitchen and then one random act sends me hurtling to the underworld on a cheese coated road to hell.  They say you are what you eat and i dont know how true that is but if it is so then the next thing i eat will be a skinny person. 

Ah well nice lettuce, lovely lettuce….come to mama!

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Who ate all the pies?

diet-christmas

Yes girls its christmas, a dieters dread and guilty delight. Usually by now i’ve stocked up on so much food that the local barracks are considering me as a siege base should we ever get invaded. This year i’ve been a little more restrained although there are plenty of goodies still in store, i’ll just be shoving more of it in the direction of super slim boyfriend and mentally wiring my own jaws shut. 

But its christmas right? You cant not indulge to some extent and after 7 months of dieting and a 42lb weight loss im more than due something nicer to eat than lettuce! So as i’m happily dreaming of mince pies and chocolates eaten watching a movie, my bubble is firmly burst with the advent of todays email.

Oh look, a diet email from Jenny Craig telling me i can lose lots of weight *twinge of guilt*

Oh look another lose 7lbs by christmas email! *bigger prod of guilt*

Oh and another on how to survive the christmas holidays without gaining weight AARRGGHHH!! Okay okay i feel guilty i’ll have lettuce with my turkey and i’ll only sniff the chocolate tin once or twice!! PLEASE don’t send the ghost of January diet future after me i promise i’ll be good!!

amazing-difference

Actually theyre getting earlier this time. Usually they at least wait until the 2nd of January! I’ll be sitting with mince pie in hand, happily ensconced infront of the tv when the letter box will rattle. Heaving up my christmas tummy i’ll waddle off into the hallway to retrieve the Slimming world leaflet from the floor. This is shortly followed by Weight Watchers, Shapes and a leaflet from the gym. By now im hiding under the stairs trying to furtively eat my mince pie whilst sucking in my stomach and clenching my buttocks, mentally muttering ”i’ll go next week ,really i will”.

This year oh no! This year its different they’ve clearly decided i’m going to gain weight before i’ve even eaten anything!! So this week despite being pretty much at  goal weight and a much slimmer size 10/12 i’m munching faithfully on a lettuce mountain trying to take off a few pounds to use as a buffer. Okay take me away guv i confess i done it, it was me *holding hands out for handcuffs* 

So post christmas whilst twiglet of a boyfriend bewails his non existant stomach i shall be firmly holding mine in, giving him doleful looks and envying his super metabolism whilst malevolently cursing my own. Don’t worry Jenny i will be back on a diet in January i promise…now where are those mince pies??

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The shake rattle and roll of a diet queen

I never used to be health conscious, i guess like most people i sailed through my teens and twenties without a single thought of what i was eating, i just ate it and that was that. Health and fitness wasn’t exactly big business in the 80s, at least if it was i really didnt notice, not until the last few years when this whole healthy business really started to boom. Only when having to tackle a weight problem myself in the early noughties did i actually sit back and look at my horrendous diet.

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I have done something about it, radically changing the way i eat and choosing a much healthier option, ditching junk and red meat and loading up on the veg, fruit, white meat and fish. But i’m a carb junkie, i cant help it and would happily live on sandwiches forever ( admittedly i did swap to wholegrain bread) and my downfall the biscuit tin. A whole day of wonderfully healthy eating ruined by furtive biscuit snatching and guilty justification means perhaps i’m not QUITE as healthy as i’d like to be. 

Tv i find does little to help being flooded with shows on health and obesity and i confess i do record shows like Biggest Loser and Fat Surgeons and things like that so i can watch them and scare myself into being good. A little bit of a case of ‘therefore but for the grace of god’ if you will. It works!! For me this works and i will avoid the biscuit tin for a while, i guess my fear of getting fat again is enough of a deterrent in that quarter although i realise i should just have enough willpower to resist on my own. So lately i have made a real decision to put some effort into my health and i am sticking to my healthy diet, no biscuits (yay go me!!) and trying to be more conscious of only eating when i actually AM hungry and not through some awful ingrained habit.

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Healthy yes, and so i trotted off to the health food store determined to help myself as much as i could (maybe a slight tv show brainwashing in force here) and loaded up on vitamins and things. A-Z vitamins and minerals?? Oh yes we need those we have to be deficient in SOMETHING ( yes talking about oneself in the plural is a bad habit of mine) Evening primrose?? Oh yes that too, not sure why exactly but its good for women right?? Cod liver oil?? oh yes extra strength i dont want to be getting arthritis when i’m old do i??  Kelp tablets?? Boost your metabolism? Oh well we DEFINITELY need those then!! My hand hovered over the Adios, i’ve seen this on tv and its meant to help with weight loss right?? Okay so we threw that in too along with a bumper pack of vitamin c and zinc and some herbal tea stuff.

Funnily enough they gave me a reward points card when i went to pay ( i wonder why??) and i trotted off home with all this stuff merrily rattling in my bag. I swear the people on the bus must’ve thought i was an addict or something as i rattled my way up the aisle. Super healthy me here i come….Right??

Well i’ve been taking this stuff for about a month now and i’m not sure if i’m supposed to feel any different. Energy levels..pretty much the same, i still crawl out of bed in a morning yawning like crazy and feeling like i got run over by the sandmans truck as he left my room. Hair and skin i must confess look loads better!! Hair is growing like crazy and skin is clearer and less dull so i guess something is going right. I dont feel so achey so i guess perhaps again there is something in this cod liver oil thing but as for the rest well hmmmmm i dont know. 

Adios, i must touch on this. Its meant to be a herbal kind of diet pill but for me i cant say that this has any effect at all. One thing i will warn you is it makes you feel very VERY sick. Perhaps this is the intention and if you feel queasy enough you won’t want to eat and ultimately will lose weight but after a month i cant say that this has done anything for me at all. One other thing, it is a diurectic too so it makes you pee…a lot!! 

So early morning and i’m lining up the pills with my morning coffee and coming to the conclusion that i must rattle like a tube of smarties when i walk. ~perhaps i’ll have to wait until i’m an old gal before i notice if any of it was worth it and if all my friends start dropping like flies and i’m still standing i’ll know it was. Darn the tv for making me feel guilty perhaps i should go and start watching reruns of Bonanza or something and avoid all these super healthy programmes altogether. Still at least as i dance around my lounge with the duster i’ve got a little added percussion to join me. Who needs maracas!!

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