Diary of a sleepless hamster


Pretty much all of us have had it at some time or other right?? Too much candy, childhood slapdash teeth brushing and the cavities appear. Still through my grown up years i’d gotten pretty good at looking after my pearly whites and for the most part came out of the dentists pretty pleased with myself needing little more than the old polish. Until along came the appearance of wisdom teeth and one at the bottom put a dirty great crack in the tooth next to it trying to make room to come through.

Waking some days later in the middle of the night yowling in pain as my whole jaw felt like it was going to explode i staggered out of bed and hurtled in the direction of the medicine box for pain relief. Maybe i have some weird immune system because an hour later these were having no effect despite the fact i never usually take them and i had resorted to holding my pillow to my face rocking backwards and forwards and wailing into it.No, there is no scientific reason why this should work but it helps a little as does sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating ‘it doesnt hurt, it doesn’t hurt’ whilst walking round in circles. Honest!!

I did try sticking my fingers in my ears and humming but it wasnt as effective i kept losing concentration and humming the wrong song!! By 8am and still awake i would’ve been quite happy to do my own dentistry and yank the thing out myself but intead howled down the phone to an appropriately sympathetic secretary.Some time later i dutifully trotted off to the dentist heart going pitter patter all the way despite my best attempts to drown it out with Lifehouse blaring out on my ipod. 

Yes like many i am absolutely petrified of the dentist, i have no idea why but i am!! So sitting outside the dentists office humming to myself, wincing at the distant sound of a drill and calmly repeating in my head..you cant hear that..no no you can’t hear that la la la you cant hear that. Trying desperately to breath through my mouth so as not to breath in the dentists smell and all the while my heart is going pitty patter..thump thump thump…..THUMP!! Now my dentist is lovely, very sympathetic and to her credit did not laugh when i shot out of the chair and hurtled across the room screeching DONT TOUCH IT!!’ after she asked if she could have a look. I guess she is used to the me type of patients because she put down that evil little hook they stab your teeth with and promised to be careful. Ten minutes later with diagnosis of abcess and root canal echoing in my ears i again shot out of the chair very quickly blurting ”prescription please” when offered the choice of drilling and dressing or prescription antibiotics and another appointment. 

So one day later and one very sleepless night filled with more yowling into a pillow and wearing circular patterns in the carpet and i resemble a mad hamster. My tooth feels like it is the size of a small red hot melon into my mouth and i have taken the wise decision to avoid all human contact for everyones safety since i have the tendency to growl in pain like any wounded animal. Were i to hop up and down i am most sure i should rattle like a bag of marbles due to the vast array of various medications languishing in various states of decay within my stomach. 

So as bedtime draws closer i swallow another dose of medication and pray for a better nights sleep and just incase i’m practising a new song and debating adding hamster food to my weekly shop. As the words of a poem from my childhood echo in my ears i cant help but smile as i leave you with Pam….

Pam AyresOh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.I wish I’d been that much more willin’
When I had more tooth there than fillin’
To pass up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin’.

When I think of the lollies I licked,
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My Mother, she told me no end,
“If you got a tooth, you got a friend”
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin’
And pokin’ and fussin’
Didn’t seem worth the time… I could bite!

If I’d known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fiIlin’s
Injections and drillin’s
I’d have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lay in the old dentist’s chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine,
In these molars of mine,
“Two amalgum,” he’ll say, “for in there.”

How I laughed at my Mother’s false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin’
It’s me they are beckonin’
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.