How to tame your inner fat girl

Yet again this weekend sees me chained to Ebay, watching as auction after auction ends. Why?? Well those items. they’re all mine you see.

I blame it on my inner fat girl!

Very few of us have accurate body perception and women in particular will obsess about their most hated flaw until it reaches a tragedy of epic proportions. That extra inch on the hips and thighs suddenly becomes 10 and you no longer want to be seen out in public. You fixate and self deprecate until your perception of yourself is distorted beyond all recognition.

My weight loss journey has been shared on here and if i face reality i am a very acceptable 5ft 10 and size 10/12 yet most of the time i cannot see it. Several times lately i have had to return clothing to a store because habit see’s me purchasing size 14’s and L/XL when i am so far removed from this now. Then i find i am greatly annoyed when the coveted dress/jeans hang like a sack on my much smaller frame and i have the hassle of returning and reordering or,as i frequently do., throwing it in the wardrobe to hang forever unworn.

Sometimes. like today, i find myself overloading ebay with my wrongly sized purchases and i vow to buy things in my proper size next time but still often i never do. I still see the curvy girl you see. Only when confronted by a mirror do i actually see and register the transformation and i would be lying if i didn’t say that it comes as a shock every time. I guess the reality is how many of us actually look at ourselves in a full length mirror and actually SEE what we look like??

Not me that’s for sure.

Only recently after a conversation with my trainer did i acknowledge that i am no longer the girl i was and i should be proud of how dramatic a change i have effected in only 3 months. I can run, i’m slim, i weight train and i’m fit and healthy. Sheer hard work has gotten me here and i am not about to let it all slide any time soon. Maybe when i’m 80 i shall relax and eat chicken burgers and chocolate but for now i adore the gym and i love being slim.

”Start looking in a full length mirror every day” my trainer advised wisely ”There are plenty of women at this gym who would love your figure”

Really?? My squirming impulse immediately was to self criticise as i usually do. A fault i developed long ago to run myself down before anyone else could and it became a terrible habit. Any self confidence is well and truly trampled and you are the worst culprit for it, yet you do not see that. So upon his advice i started to look in the mirror and actually LOOK properly for a change. No i am not perfect but i look good especially for my age and i am starting to slowly accept that when my lovely boyfriend calls me beautiful it is because he see’s me as such. I do not believe he would lie but the inner me could never accept it and always brushed his comments aside blaming him as having bad eyesight. You see the instant self criticism??

So my inner fat girl and i we confront each other daily and i try on a pair of jeans that used to fit and chuckle as they instantly fall into a puddle around my feet. Then i stick out my tongue and tell her she isn’t coming out any more. She sighs but she knows she cannot win any more and so she is resigned to it. With tape measure in hand i confront myself with the inches i have lost and then i tell myself 

‘You look great, you have done fantastic and you are almost there keep going’

You can beat your inner fat girl you just need to face the truth. Buy a full length mirror and look, look ,look!! Give yourself the right to be proud of your own achievements and when someone tells you you’re beautiful? Just accept that to them you probably are and simply say thankyou.

Nobody is perfect, even those famous faces have something about them that they do not like. Beauty is after all in the eye of the beholder. My inner fat girl and i are off to the gym and we’re going to run and run, because we can. 

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Aside

Mirror Mirror

Like any woman i like to shop from time to time. Don’t get me wrong i adore clothes and shoes as my bulging wardrobes will bear witness to but lately i have leaned more towards the internet side of the retail world. Poor postie he plods up my driveway with a resigned expression, holding out packages as he queries

”Shopping again?”

Ummmmm guilty m’lud take me away! Actually the reality of shopping puts me off even though the idea of it is all fine at the time. Imagine the scenario…

Arriving at the shopping mall you make a beeline for your favourite store, grinning happily as you select item after item you know will look fabulous on you. Arms bulging you stagger to the changing room to be greeted by the requisite overly made up female attendant complete with air of boredom and nail file which she produces at intervals to emphasise her disinterest. 

”youre only allowed five” she says deadpan and monotone

Okay your smile fades somewhat until you espy token friend or partner dragged protestingly on your mission and you thoughtfully thrust the remainder of your items into their arms and rush happily for the nearest cubicle. Now you cannot have failed to notice the lighting in these places, that grim artificial fluorescent light that is far from inviting but ah well youre only here to try on clothes, its not like you have to actually LIVE here right?

Item number one you haul over your head and frown as it seems to be a funny shape and gives you a figure reminiscent of the mornings overfilled rubbish bags and you pull it off swiftly cursing badly designed clothing. Well it looked good on the hanger!! Item two seems to be a better fit and you turn in the mirror trying to judge how big your bottom looks in it. What can i say we’re girls, it matters not if we are size 6 or size 26 we still have the idea our bottoms look huge in….well everything!!

So as you mutter those immortal words

”Mirror mirror on the wall, does my bum look big in this at all?”

Suddenly the mirror in all its badly lit fluorescent glory suddenly looms up and shrieks

”Hell no but girl…….. where DID you get those bags under your eyes??”

Well trust me that’s it!! You no longer have a large booty but youre peering in dismay at the previously unseen black hammocks hanging under your eyes and you let out an unearthly wail. Hastily you purchase the dress that actually DOES make your behind look like the retreating end of the Titanic and hurtle full speed towards the nearest chemist for copious amounts of eye bag cream. 

Its all a conspiracy!!!

Its all part of some secret organisation and dastardly plan conjured up by the beauty industry in general to make you buy badly fitting clothes and expensive miracle creams that you do not need!! Millions of pounds are made every day as evil mirror influenced people rush to purchase remedies for strangely illuminated flaws that vanish in the light of day. Me i’ll stick to internet shopping for the most part for not once has my computer shouted

”What, youre going to buy that? with YOUR ass??”

No it stays silent, i stay bag free and i resort to making my own judgement on the size of my posterior. Really though, does my bum look big in this??

Its not easy being a girl……….

Early morning and as a very sexy american voice chirps merrily from my phone to wake me up i force open one eye, unweld my face from the pillow and try and untangle some silky effort of a nightgown from where it has invariably settled around my waist in the night. Stupid thing this is why i prefer pyjamas! 

 Good morning amanda, the time is 8am and the weather is cloudy with wind from a south easterly direction. The weather today will be blah blah yada yada……..

Yes okay okay i’m awake you can go away now!! Now contrary to the movies that brainwash men into thinking we all look stunning when we wake this is actually far from reality. Myself i tend to look more like a disgruntled hedgehog, i do not need my morning shriek  in the mirror to know my hair sticks up wildly in all directions from my head and my face has so many sleep creases it looks badly in need of ironing. No i do not tumble sexily from bed purring good morning darling whilst swishing my perfect hair around my perfectly made up face flashing perfect just brushed teeth as i perch on my smoothly unruffled bed. No my bed resembles a war zone in a morning with it and i looking like we were deposited there by some passing tornado.

Resisting the temptation to crawl along the floor i head for the kitchen and coffee. Most days i think i should just bypass the kettle and sit and eat it with a spoon thereby gaining instant caffeine rush and some semblance of normality. Kettle on the boil its time for the morning weigh in which usually does not lighten my mood any but today was a bit of a yeay moment as the scales dropped a pound and i hugged them happily cooing ”i love you’ at them before merrily hopping over to make coffee. Big mistake leaving the mirror in the kitchen and i wailed in horror as i passed it. 

Ooooh panda by name and how accurate! Girl where did THOSE bags come from?!  One down side of having young looking skin is the occasional habit of breaking out into a blemish even in my 40s and today sitting waving at me is a small one below my eyebrow. Great! I prodded gloomily at it before turning the mirror around and reaching for solace in the bottom of my coffee cup. Just what i need….a zit!! Pondering how to cover up the mini Mount Vesuvius that has taken residence upon my face i dive into the regulation skin care cleanse tone moisturise blah ( yes you guys have it so easy)  before glaring balefully at my eyebrows and deciding they were in need of tidying up. Again guys you are so lucky, i hate doing this for it hurts and it makes me sneeze for some odd reason. But still the thought of giant caterpillar like brows is enough to send me hurtling for the tweezers. I have never considered myself to be overly vain but i do confess i do not like to look terrible and will avoid doing so as much as i possibly can. I freely admit i will not set foot out of my front door unless i think i look okay and if this be vanity then perhaps i am guilty of it after all.

                    

So half an hour later, bags reduced to sleep smudges and caterpillars well and truly banished and small amount of makeup to made me look a little more alive and i’m glugging down coffee number three as stomach merrily sloshes and gurgles when i walk. What can i say i drink too much coffee, i know this and yet i still do it. One thing at a time i say and as i hop up and down dressing in gym clothes i confess energy is in a little short supply today but my desire not to look like Nellie the Elephant hauls my butt out of the door. Sometimes i think it must be so much easier to be a guy, almost all of my acquaintance make little effort and do not care if they look less than perfect. Maybe in my next life i shall ask to be a man and see for myself but until then time to keep up the effort. 

ACHOO!!

On gaining a little motivation

Well it just had to be done, i finally got frustrated enough to get my behind back down to the gym and sign on the dotted line. After yet another day of dieting yesterday i hopped onto the scales this morning and they hadn’t moved, not one single gram!! I actually got off, reset them, took off my pyjama top and climbed back on but no, still the same. I then got off again and got back on standing nearer the front but still no change and then resorted to jumping up and down on the darned things which resulted in a 1lb gain followed by a 1lb loss. Definitely not impressed i jumped off, scowled at the scale and growled ‘stupid bloody things’ at them before tossing them into a corner. 

It was all so much easier when i was younger but now the love handles are definitely in there for the long haul, aptly named they hug my hips tightly crooning ‘i love you’ Yes well i dont love you, pack your bags and leave!!  Well there was nothing for it but to head back to the gym and become a gym bunny again, so trainers donned, grown up daughter in tow we headed down for a torture session designed to shift even the most stubborn of inches.  I was actually relieved to see the guy on duty wasn’t some buff tanned pretty boy guaranteed to make me feel like a 90 year old nellie the elephant but instead a guy of around my own age who certainly seems to know what he was talking about. 

It seems much has changed in my absence and emphasis for girls is on reps rather than weight as it was when i was there before. I was slightly disappointed by this for i confess i did take a rather gleeful delight in sitting next to guys on the benches and easily pressing more than them and watching them slope off to pick up something heavier to struggle with and retain manly pride. Aren’t i terrible??

So as we launched into new training programme i was pretty pleased that i didnt struggle too much and hadn’t had to drop weights too far although trust me i’m pretty sure i’ll suffer for it tomorrow and will be walking like a 90 year old. Two hours flew by and although i emerged half dead it was with that strange kind of exhilaration you get when you’ve been training. I’d actually forgotten how much i love the gym although i think i’ll tone up a bit before i resume training with the guys. Biggest surprise of all was surveying myself in the full length changing room mirror and realising i wasnt quite as big as i had been mentally picturing myself although there was plenty of room for improvement. 

So once again i am a gym bunny panda and hopefully middle age spread will be well and truly banished. Watch this space!! 

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