Finally!!

If you’re a reader of my blog you will without doubt know of my weight loss and gym body journey. Most of you do not know that i started out 10 years ago weighing in at a hefty 284lbs which placed me firmly in the middle of the obese category as regards to BMI and wearing massive uk size 26 clothing.

I make no excuses for this, events i wish to keep private led me to need to be this way at that point in time. That is not to say i liked it, far from it but it served a purpose at the time. In hindsight i wish i had not abused my body so badly, it has taken a lot of hard work to return from that place and an older wiser me would have found a better way to achieve the effect. The plus side is i am so far from that person now as to totally appear to be someone else. These days i am a bit of a gym bunny and i do not care if i work until i throw up (and yes i have done this) but i fully intend to have that gym body and will do whatever it takes to get there. 

I guess the biggest change of all is being able to look in a mirror and not want to cry at the reflection looking back at me. Where once i would need to hide under oversized clothing now i know i am looking pretty good and can only get better and i find i can like the person looking back at me for the first time in my life. Today i weighed in and almost shrieked the house down when the scales settled at my lowest weight since i was 23 years old and more importantly i am now back into the NORMAL category for BMI. Yes me!! I am a normal weight for my 5ft10 height at at last. It seems hard work does pay off (thank-you weight training) and i really did want to scream like crazy and turn cartwheels on the front lawn. It might be a little helpful if i were actually ABLE to perform a cartwheel but you get the idea. Although i”m not sure what the neighbours would make of some crazy woman screeching and turning cartwheels in her pyjamas!!

114lb down since that fat girl 10 years ago and 7 dress sizes down!!

My journey is not over, i have a little way to go and am stepping up the weights and training to get there for i have a vision in my mind of how i want to look( Yes Jessica Ennis i want to look like you) and i WILL get there. But for now i can hop up and down with glee for at last i can shout out I AM HEALTHY!!!!

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weightloss war of a 40 something carthorse

You’d never believe i once weighed 2lbs would you? Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand looking for all the world like a skinny little rat.

But i was.

Hitting my teens i was  still pretty skinny as it goes, tall but with the slightest hint of disproportionate thighs that hinted at the cursed pear shape to come. ‘Thunder- Thighs’ my brothers called me…oh i so hated that name back then but now it makes me laugh. ”Nowt wrong wi er” my mother would say” built like a pit pony arent you ducks”  yes thanks mother!!Even come early twenty something and the mother of two i pretty quickly lost all my ‘baby weight’  and was admittedly on the slender side for my height but of course those accursed thighs were STILL haunting me and i knew then i should never lose them. Actually i was pretty happy with my weight at that time although it most definitely would not suit me now.

And so along came mid 20s and this is where my war with weight began. I think this ranks on up there with the most unhappy i have been in my life and i began that fatal cycle of eating to make myself feel better. Anyone who battles with weight will know yes it DOES make you feel better..for that few moments you’re eating it but that high quickly fades and you crave that feeling again.Somewhere in the depths of ignored reality you know you are gaining weight but you refuse to acknowledge it, making every excuse under the sun for the reason your clothes don’t fit and determinedly avoiding those mirrors that show more than just head and shoulders. If you are like me cameras were avoided and any photographs that did sneak through were swiftly torn to shreds and disposed of.

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And so my obese frame and i waved goodbye to my 20s and sailed on into my 30s, every wobbling inch growing larger by the day. I guess i was rather more fortunate than most in that i am rather tall for a girl and thus could carry this off better than most but it did not hide the fact i was almost twice the size i should be. And then came the shock. Most of those who embark on the diet roller coaster will do so as the result of a sharp slap around the face by reality and the realisation finally dawns of what you have become. This is the point where you have to concede that eating did not make the problems go away and you are not infact any happier than you were when you were your much smaller self. On one fateful day myself and i came face to face with the bane of every obese persons life..the full length mirror. Oh it took rather a while for the hysterical crying to stop and then i marched my stout frame right along to the nearest diet club and never looked back.

And then i found ME!  One year later and early 30s i was half my previous size and twirling around ecstatically in my first pair of jeans in a decade. Trust me thats some feeling and one i wont forget in a very long time. I looked slim and healthy and yes i felt attractive for the first time and oh i admit i flaunted it. And with it came true love the kind that lifts you up and carries you along and makes you feel that no matter what youre perfect the way you are. 

Then i was happy, diet was shelved and i really did not worry and if i was not a size zero well it didnt worry me at all i was happy with my size 12 figure and had no desire to change the way i was. But inevitably as things often are the case this did not last and on finding myself single again i comitted the ultimate sin and turned to my very best friend….food. And as always it did not let me down and every time i needed to feel better it was there to pick me up. I guess i was lucky because i could so easily have carried on and ended up right back where i had started but having had the forethought to dispose of those tent like garments as i had worn before i was faced with the choice. Diet or go around naked!! 

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Yes here we go again all aboard!! So back on the roller coaster i go, hitting the gym and working furiously to rid myself of that hated stone that had so stubbornly attached itself to my frame and yet again i did it. Twirling again in my favourite jeans i vowed never to let myself slide again.

But i did. Of course i did.

So with every crisis comes the eating and for a while i feel better. And then i look in the mirror and feel ashamed for being so weak and yet again make the vow..i WILL stick to it this time. But of course i do not and this stone and i have met and parted so many times that we are now old friends. And i hate what i become when this dependant me comes along. I confess i have many times stood infront of the mirror exclaiming ”god you fat cow” before turning away in disgust.

And as it and i look in the mirror this morning i wave it goodbye yet again and hop back onto that never ending ride solemnly promising that i will not fail this time and i must learn to find another way to deal with my problems. Eating solves nothing i know that and i really am determined to try.

Again…..

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