Is that for your husband dear?

Image

Hunting madly through the kitchen drawer i really was far from impressed to find that yet again a screwdriver famine had descended over my once well stocked tool kit. Over the months various members had ‘borrowed’ items and as usual either lost or not returned them home leaving me with few sorry items hiding away in a huddle. What should have been a simple task of changing a vacuum cleaner belt was now turning into something far more complicated but then this is my house what did i expect? The one remaining Phillips screwdriver lurking in the depths of the drawer was far too short for the very deep screws so thoughtfully designed by the people at VAX. Heaving a sigh i eyed the rain resignedly, decided to brave the weather and trudged my way up to a local hardware store. Humming along  to tunes on my ipod i abandoned my very wobbly and now soaking umbrella at the door and headed for the tool section. I decided that whilst i was here perhaps now would be a good time to price up a new tool kit since i’d had one on my to buy list for quite some time and not gotten around to it. 

The store itself is very haphazard, cluttered and narrow which makes viewing items properly quite difficult. Far from being hung in uniform military precision as in the larger department stores , these items were much more scattered and overflowing. Deciding to save time i approached a shop assistant for advice which i normally do not do, much preferring to ponder my own choices. Explaining what i wanted the kit to contain i smilingly asked to be shown suitable items at a reasonable price. Immediately afterwards my smile faded and i gaped as the shop assistant blithely asks ”Is this for your husband dear?”

”Ummmmm, no actually its for me” I announced confidently ”i dont have a husband”

Her eyes opened wider and she swept her gaze over my red lipstick, down to my heeled boots and finally settled on my finger polished nails before quietly exclaiming ”OH!!”  

Hmmmm had she been an elderly lady i might have understood but this woman was younger than i am so perhaps she should not have been surprised at a woman buying herself a toolkit. I debated telling her that i can quite happily accomplish all manner of DIY tasks from unblocking a U bend to repairing electrical items. As for flat pack furniture well there i’m almost an expert and super speedy and the go to gal amongst my friends when any is purchased. Showing me two or three less robust kits in between sideways glances i rolled my eyes as she was clearly showing me the more ‘delicate’ end of the range. Definitely not what i was after i want a proper tool kit that can withstand anything i throw at it not a pretty pink barbie kit!! 

Chuckling to myself i decided that perhaps one of the bigger department stores might be more realistic and instead settled for buying the size screwdriver i wanted for the job at hand. Shoving it into my bright red handbag i had to smile at the rather incongruous picture it surely presented to her. So they say the world is much more equal these days do they? Perhaps not so much as you would imagine after all! Ah well, time to go and file my nails whilst baking a cake i think. Tea anyone??

Image

Advertisements

Mirror Mirror

Like any woman i like to shop from time to time. Don’t get me wrong i adore clothes and shoes as my bulging wardrobes will bear witness to but lately i have leaned more towards the internet side of the retail world. Poor postie he plods up my driveway with a resigned expression, holding out packages as he queries

”Shopping again?”

Ummmmm guilty m’lud take me away! Actually the reality of shopping puts me off even though the idea of it is all fine at the time. Imagine the scenario…

Arriving at the shopping mall you make a beeline for your favourite store, grinning happily as you select item after item you know will look fabulous on you. Arms bulging you stagger to the changing room to be greeted by the requisite overly made up female attendant complete with air of boredom and nail file which she produces at intervals to emphasise her disinterest. 

”youre only allowed five” she says deadpan and monotone

Okay your smile fades somewhat until you espy token friend or partner dragged protestingly on your mission and you thoughtfully thrust the remainder of your items into their arms and rush happily for the nearest cubicle. Now you cannot have failed to notice the lighting in these places, that grim artificial fluorescent light that is far from inviting but ah well youre only here to try on clothes, its not like you have to actually LIVE here right?

Item number one you haul over your head and frown as it seems to be a funny shape and gives you a figure reminiscent of the mornings overfilled rubbish bags and you pull it off swiftly cursing badly designed clothing. Well it looked good on the hanger!! Item two seems to be a better fit and you turn in the mirror trying to judge how big your bottom looks in it. What can i say we’re girls, it matters not if we are size 6 or size 26 we still have the idea our bottoms look huge in….well everything!!

So as you mutter those immortal words

”Mirror mirror on the wall, does my bum look big in this at all?”

Suddenly the mirror in all its badly lit fluorescent glory suddenly looms up and shrieks

”Hell no but girl…….. where DID you get those bags under your eyes??”

Well trust me that’s it!! You no longer have a large booty but youre peering in dismay at the previously unseen black hammocks hanging under your eyes and you let out an unearthly wail. Hastily you purchase the dress that actually DOES make your behind look like the retreating end of the Titanic and hurtle full speed towards the nearest chemist for copious amounts of eye bag cream. 

Its all a conspiracy!!!

Its all part of some secret organisation and dastardly plan conjured up by the beauty industry in general to make you buy badly fitting clothes and expensive miracle creams that you do not need!! Millions of pounds are made every day as evil mirror influenced people rush to purchase remedies for strangely illuminated flaws that vanish in the light of day. Me i’ll stick to internet shopping for the most part for not once has my computer shouted

”What, youre going to buy that? with YOUR ass??”

No it stays silent, i stay bag free and i resort to making my own judgement on the size of my posterior. Really though, does my bum look big in this??

Shopping With a Difference

Whilst in most ways i am very unusual i think in some ways i am a very typical girl, i love to look nice and have far more clothes than even the average shopaholic needs. What can i say i adore dressing up and looking pretty! I do not own barely a single item of slob clothing and would die rather than be seen in sweat pants and/or a hoodie. It is all down to personal choice i truly believe people should dress as they feel comfortable and this for me is what does. 

So having lost almost 2st recently i was pretty sure i was going to have to clear out most of my clothing or drastically alter as much of it as i could. Replacing so much clothing really isn’t an option right now and although i am really loving being slimmer than i have in decades i had visions of overly belted in clothing and a ‘sack’ effect that really wasnt a look to aspire to. I was actually not looking forward to parting with my clothes for i really do have some beautiful things that really suit me and a lot of favourites that i am very reluctant to part with. Reality tells me it is no good keeping things that swamp me but this does not make it any easier. I have never considered myself materialistic by any shape of the word but still i cling tenaciously to my pretties. 

Heading upstairs last evening i decided it was time to try on absolutely EVERYTHING and salvage what i could and donate or ebay the remainder. No small task since trust me i seriously am not exaggerating the amount of clothing i have. The first thing that struck me was the amount of clothing either still with tags on or things that i knew i had never worn and so this rather large pile went on one side(a very large pile too). Old favourites in another and long forgotten items in another. Jeans were the first to go, i have dropped from a 16 to a 12 so i pretty much knew there was no hope of salvaging any of those without looking like i was wearing my fathers clothes. Saggy crotches and baggy bums are really not a good look and not one i wish to sport whilst i still have a say in it. Tailored trousers i knew i could alter within reason so the more fitted ones have been sorted for resizing and the rest joined the ‘out you go pile’ About now i was thanking my optimistic streak for i have quite a few size 12 jeans and trousers that had accumulated over the years as i told myself i would slim into them but never had until now. Chances of having to walk around in pyjamas greatly diminished by the discovery of this stash as the back of one wardrobe.

So then it was down to the tops, dresses and jackets and i rather longingly smoothed the front of a beautiful fitted cream lace dress with a stunning beaded neckline. I bought this from YUMI quite some time ago and typical me picked up a medium since it was the only size left and i had fallen so in love with it. Clearly too small it had hung in my wardrobe still with tags on for me to aspire to one day. I was pretty sure i still wouldn’t be able to get into it but decided to try anyway and my shock when it slid easily on was visible. I really couldn’t help the screech of delight as i dashed off towards the mirror for a bit of a reality check. It fit!! Not only that but it was if anything a little roomy round the waist but being slightly stretchy it didnt show and even if i say so myself it looked amazing. I am intending to post pictures of my weight loss journey on here when i reach my goal and will take a picture of this dress to show you all.

Item after item followed and shock and consternation as each fit as perfectly as the last and i finally realised why i had only ever worn such a small portion of my wardrobe. They simply never fit!! I had refused to acknowledge the fact that i buy clothing that is obviously too small or tight for me simply because i did not wish to address the fact i had put on weight. Where earlier i had imagined having to discard most of my items i was infact drastically expanding the amount of things i have to wear. The icing on the cake was definitely the little black dress!! For a very long time i would only go out in trousers and wear dresses over the top to hide my very ample bottom and never would i dare actually wear just the dress itself. Not any more!! My beautiful little black dress looks amazing with just it and a pair of tights like anyone else would wear and i really am in unknown territory here but oh do i love it!! 

 

I am still a way from my goal, at least another 10lbs i think since i am still far curvier on my hips and thighs than i want to be but i have come this far and have no intention of stopping. All those early mornings in the gym have paid off and i thank my determined nature for making me go even on those days when i was so tired i just wanted to crawl under my duvet. Watch this space dear readers for a transformation timeline will be coming sometime soon and i should like you all to meet my beautiful little cream dress in person. 

Last night i went shopping and it didnt cost me a penny since it was all in my own wardrobe!! 

Confessions of a Shopaholic

Yes i am a shopaholic!!

I neither deny this nor am ashamed of it for i love clothes and very much subscribe to the girlie desire in me to look attractive and even on occasion glamorous. That said you would never see me dressed like Barbie, nor for me is the current TOWIE look since i prefer a more boho classical look than overly fake and blinged. The only problem with this is that since most cupboards and drawers were so over crammed with clothing i could not see what was in there and rather than risk an avalanche, had been tending to wear the same small few items over and over.

Should auntie Gok ever come to my house he would have a fit and dedicate a whole series just to hauling my curvy butt into line!!

So i decided my very own makeover was in order and ruthlessly hauled everything out of all hiding places then ruefully surveyed the mini mountain dominating the room. Chances of getting out of there any time soon were minimal and with the aid of full length mirror i set about trying on and optioning my way through the lot. One pile to keep and one pile to get rid of. To my shame i cringed at how many things still had price tags on, being long forgotten in the depths of the tardis like wardrobe. Further still were many more worn only once then relegated to join its peers, to be forgotten until a day like today. 

I had actually forgotten just how many beautiful clothes i have but i forced myself to be sensible and keep only those which i knew i will wear. Of course i admit i still have far too many clothes but at least now i have kept the best and i will begin to wear them all. Twirling infront of the mirror in a very pretty dress made me more determined to ditch my older slob about clothes and make more effort to show off some of these  off for a change. 

So to the rest, and believe me this was a huge pile of clothes and took some time to sort but on the whole most of those i was parting with were either new and tagged or almost new so i decided ebay was the best place for them. I have done ebay many times before and always sold quite well so this seemed quite logical, that and the fact i have my eye on a new Charlie Bear and this could easily source the funds.

A whole day later and i had photographed and listed everything, the only down side to it is the sheer amount of time it takes to get the stuff actually on there. Still in this financial climate one cannot turn down the chance to add funds to the coffers nor yet a Charlie Bear to the collection. The object of my desire? Ah well his name is Kojak! 

                                         

I must admit it is rather exciting watching your auctions go up, holding your breath as the prices rise and you know all of that effort was worth it. Thankfully i am lucky i rarely have anything that doesn’t sell and i have had great fun checking in from time to time to update on the progress. I really do not think i could do this on a regular basis for the sheer amount of work from wardrobe to buyers hands is huge but every once in a while it really is worth it. 

So as the auctions roll their last few hours i yet again vow to stop buying clothes for i still could wear a different outfit every day for two months and never wear the same thing twice!! I mean it this time…..ermmmmm honest i do *blush*

Just because i can’t

Well today i decided to go into the next town and do some grocery shopping which is pretty rare for me. Usually i shop online for i detest supermarkets with a passion especially in the school holidays. Then the whole place will be packed with children running around and throwing the usual tantrum to persuade some harassed parent to purchase some greedily coveted item that they had no intention of buying until this moment. I am sure there are well behaved children out and about with mindful parents but never on the occasions when i venture into the vicinity. 

However today being no gym day i felt the need to get ample bottom moving and so opted to forgo the usual online saving grace and hop on the train and forage for myself. Yes, as i had predicted, the place was packed. Tearful wails from some departing child greeted my arrival as he was hauled roughly away by some potty mouthed parent who really should know better but clearly did not care. Standing patiently waiting for a congregation to move from the doorway so that i could collect a basket didn’t quite set my eyes rolling but i was a little annoyed that people are so unconcerned with their surroundings as to appear rude to those others around. Clearly most did not care that they were blocking the entrance and showed little sign of moving along until urged to do so by a hovering shop assistant.

So to my mission, now dieting so far has been reasonably easy since mostly i have stuck to online and only ordered what i knew i could have.Temptation limited to only colourful images on screen that are so much more easily dismissed.  Standing in a brightly lit colourful store full of goodies was another matter as the piped smell of donuts drifted past my nose and my stomach gave a most obliging growl. I adore donuts, hell who am i kidding i have a terrible sweet tooth and adore most any kind of sweet treat! Had i been naturally slim i would have at this moment been in heaven and gleefully planning what to buy but whilst mouth and stomach collaborated on a yes please vote, head emphatically vetoed this and refused. 

Oh trust me it just wasn’t the same marching determinedly towards the fresh fruit when honestly i just wanted to sit on the floor in the bakery and scoff jam donuts and pecan plaits. DROOL!! Just leave me here and come back for me later. i’ll be fine honestly!! 

I really do deserve a medal for being so stoic in the face of such adversity and even now am debating contacting The Queen and asking for special consideration. Marching around the rest of the store was little better as peanut butter and digestive biscuits both called my name and waved. Things i would never normally buy when not on a diet started hurling themselves from on the shelves in my direction chortling maniacally and daring me to resist. But i battled on with a fortitude worthy of Alexander The Great, bravely scattering all before me and defeating every foe.

Sausage roll was almost my undoing for this week i have been ruthlessly stalked by one wherever i went. Now pre diet were i to enter a bakery i should never buy a sausage roll, instead opting for a sandwich for my biggest weakness is definitely bread. This week however i have been stalked and fixated with a giant sausage roll that barely stopped short of wrestling me to the ground and wiping out any remaining will power. This phenomenon even took over my dreams and nocturnal adventures being chased by the giant pastry were abound.

BUT WHY???

Simple, because i cant have it!! How ironic is it that you never want something until you are told you can’t and then it turns into the most coveted thing in the world!! And so it was for me,for i would never dream of eating half of these things yet today i could have quite happily consumed the lot. Even those things as i am not so fond like chocolate cake would have quite happily been deemed edible by me at this point. 

Thankfully at this point willpower is still pretty strong but it was rather enlightening comparing my basket of saintly healthy food with the shoppers at the next checkout who clearly knew the meaning of the word indulgence! Still this has hardened my resolve to avoid supermarkets in future and hide behind my very safe from temptation laptop and the convenient world of online shopping. In the meantime i am seriously hoping this sausage roll will cease its amorous advances and leave me in peace. Oh to be slim!! 

conversations of an unusual nature

okay i confess i have gone entirely and utterly mad. perhaps working with dementia is affecting me for it has come to the stage that shopping in Tesco’s i am actually answering the talking checkout as if this were a perfectly normal everyday thing to do. Now i may have been a little rude but i did say this under my breath so as not to offend the little electronic beings sensibilities. 

okay first item scanned..

CHECKOUT…please place the item in the bagging area ( i comply)

CHECKOUT..unexpected item in bagging area

ME…no its not you just told me to put it in there!!! (shop assistant rectifies the problem) 

CHECKOUT…please scan your next item

ME…I am, i am calm down

CHECKOUT…please place the item in the bagging area……unexpected item in bagging area

ME...well stop telling me to put it in there then!! (shop assistant comes over again)

CHECKOUT…please scan your club card….please scan your club card…please scan your club card

ME( hunting through handbag)….hang on hang on im getting it!! lord have a little patience for once tut!!

CHECKOUT…please take your items…please take your items..please take your items

ME( chasing a rogue apple across the floorwell i’m hardly going to leave it here am i stupid *!$*

oh dear more time spent in intelligent conversation needed i think!! maybe its time to lie down 😛Image

Top Clicks

  • None

Top Rated

Follow xpanda1969x on WordPress.com

Twitter Updates

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2,278 other followers

Blog Stats

  • 37,243 hits
The KiltLander's Blog

JP's Outlander Recaps and other perspectives from the Dirk Side

Dionne Lister - Author

I love sharing my stories but I wish they wouldn't keep me awake at night

Great Scot!

Cultural Musings of An Outlandish Nature

clotildajamcracker

The wacky stories of a crazy lady.

Professional Moron

Daily Doses of Surreal Humour & Culture

Soul Love 11:11

Love That Transcends All Understanding

InfinitelyRemote Blog

Gateway to BlogDogIt.com

There By Candlelight Press

How many miles to Babylon? Three score and ten. Can I get there by candlelight? Yes, and back again.

Top 10 of Anything and Everything!!!

Animals, Gift Ideas, Travel, Books, Recycling Ideas and Many, Many More

PICZLoad pics a la carte

Watchout Loud and Have PICBliss!

Under Construction

Something is coming soon.

Jane Austen's World

This Jane Austen blog brings Jane Austen, her novels, and the Regency Period alive through food, dress, social customs, and other 19th C. historical details related to this topic.

eyE[before]E

in the land of the m[EyE]nd the one E'd man is kEEn

Perking the Pansies

Jack Scott's random ramblings

%d bloggers like this: