Just because i can’t

Well today i decided to go into the next town and do some grocery shopping which is pretty rare for me. Usually i shop online for i detest supermarkets with a passion especially in the school holidays. Then the whole place will be packed with children running around and throwing the usual tantrum to persuade some harassed parent to purchase some greedily coveted item that they had no intention of buying until this moment. I am sure there are well behaved children out and about with mindful parents but never on the occasions when i venture into the vicinity. 

However today being no gym day i felt the need to get ample bottom moving and so opted to forgo the usual online saving grace and hop on the train and forage for myself. Yes, as i had predicted, the place was packed. Tearful wails from some departing child greeted my arrival as he was hauled roughly away by some potty mouthed parent who really should know better but clearly did not care. Standing patiently waiting for a congregation to move from the doorway so that i could collect a basket didn’t quite set my eyes rolling but i was a little annoyed that people are so unconcerned with their surroundings as to appear rude to those others around. Clearly most did not care that they were blocking the entrance and showed little sign of moving along until urged to do so by a hovering shop assistant.

So to my mission, now dieting so far has been reasonably easy since mostly i have stuck to online and only ordered what i knew i could have.Temptation limited to only colourful images on screen that are so much more easily dismissed.  Standing in a brightly lit colourful store full of goodies was another matter as the piped smell of donuts drifted past my nose and my stomach gave a most obliging growl. I adore donuts, hell who am i kidding i have a terrible sweet tooth and adore most any kind of sweet treat! Had i been naturally slim i would have at this moment been in heaven and gleefully planning what to buy but whilst mouth and stomach collaborated on a yes please vote, head emphatically vetoed this and refused. 

Oh trust me it just wasn’t the same marching determinedly towards the fresh fruit when honestly i just wanted to sit on the floor in the bakery and scoff jam donuts and pecan plaits. DROOL!! Just leave me here and come back for me later. i’ll be fine honestly!! 

I really do deserve a medal for being so stoic in the face of such adversity and even now am debating contacting The Queen and asking for special consideration. Marching around the rest of the store was little better as peanut butter and digestive biscuits both called my name and waved. Things i would never normally buy when not on a diet started hurling themselves from on the shelves in my direction chortling maniacally and daring me to resist. But i battled on with a fortitude worthy of Alexander The Great, bravely scattering all before me and defeating every foe.

Sausage roll was almost my undoing for this week i have been ruthlessly stalked by one wherever i went. Now pre diet were i to enter a bakery i should never buy a sausage roll, instead opting for a sandwich for my biggest weakness is definitely bread. This week however i have been stalked and fixated with a giant sausage roll that barely stopped short of wrestling me to the ground and wiping out any remaining will power. This phenomenon even took over my dreams and nocturnal adventures being chased by the giant pastry were abound.

BUT WHY???

Simple, because i cant have it!! How ironic is it that you never want something until you are told you can’t and then it turns into the most coveted thing in the world!! And so it was for me,for i would never dream of eating half of these things yet today i could have quite happily consumed the lot. Even those things as i am not so fond like chocolate cake would have quite happily been deemed edible by me at this point. 

Thankfully at this point willpower is still pretty strong but it was rather enlightening comparing my basket of saintly healthy food with the shoppers at the next checkout who clearly knew the meaning of the word indulgence! Still this has hardened my resolve to avoid supermarkets in future and hide behind my very safe from temptation laptop and the convenient world of online shopping. In the meantime i am seriously hoping this sausage roll will cease its amorous advances and leave me in peace. Oh to be slim!! 

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That just drives me crazy!!

I imagine i am far from alone in having those little pet peeves, those things that get up your nose and make you roll your eyes and mutter ‘oh for goodness sake!!’  I am not much given to profanity and have in my time invented a number of nonsensical words to use in such occasions although i am aware most people will have much more colourful ones than my own.

Yesterday was a day of pet peeves, yet i am for the most part a fairly tolerant and laid back person and it did set me thinking. I wonder whether many of us have the same irritants or whether i am alone in mine so i thought it would be rather amusing to confess to them.

Car Drivers

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Yes you’ve got it the plain old humble car drivers.

It never ceases to amaze me how the most mild mannered of people will transform from Jekyl to Hyde whilst behind the wheel of a car. I see them all hunched over the steering wheel with an intent fixed look and a ‘dont mess with me attitude’. As a plain humble pedestrian i find myself often caught in the rain and invariably am at the whim of the car driver when needing to get around. Car drivers i find have no empathy, tucked up warm and dry in their cars they care little for the poor rain drenched pedestrian and will coldly drive through puddles without slowing and ignore those poor bedraggled souls shivering by the side of the road hoping to cross.

Of course being such a compassionate little soul myself i fully understand the importance of those in vehicles getting to their destination that whole thirty seconds sooner and i sympathise deeply with their plight and of course i understand how traumatic it should be to lose focus and have to let some impudent person cross the road.Really i do. I would not wish to be the cause of such distress as it should cause someone to have to change speed and see anything but the bumper of the car in front and their intended destination.

Car drivers my thoughts are with you.


Enid and Ethel

I imagine i am far from alone in my abhorrence for supermarket shopping. Of course we all need to shop, after all we need to eat but unless you are one of those wealthy enough to have someone to do all of this for you then invariably at some point you will encounter ‘the supermarket’. Now i have to admit with the advent of online shopping i manage for the most part to avoid this but there are times when i need to brave and go shopping. 

Cue the ‘wonky’ trolley. Smile fixed firmly in place you try to appear nonchalant as your errant trolley rattles and squeaks its way across the shop, hauling you firmly sideways as one rebellious wheel refuses to conform and roll with its peers . Mental cursing ‘move dammit’ you stoutly weave you way across the shop narrowly avoiding the requisite stack of wine bottles that is inevitably in your path. 

Ignoring stomach growls as you lurch your way past the selection of delectable concoctions in the bakery you slalom around other shoppers gathering goods as you go until you encounter…Enid and Ethel.

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Now it matters not where you live, whether it be town or city you will without fail meet with an Enid and Ethel. They are usually best discovered infront of the one thing you really need the most and are easily recognisable by the pair of side by side trolleys blocking the aisle. More often you will hear Enid and Ethel long before you reach them as they have a most distinctive sound consisting of loud overly enthusiastic cries of ‘oh i haven’t seen you for ages how ARE you?’  Most amusing when approaching this pair for you cannot help but overhear and discover that infact they have actually last met only two days prior. 

So trolleys blocking aisle and effusive conversation in full flow, Enid and Ethel are totally oblivious to their whereabouts and also the inconvenience they cause to others as a procession of other shoppers build up behind you. Cue defensive mode and indignant squeaks of ‘it’s not me’ as more vocal of shoppers express their displeasure and yet Enid and Ethel remain totally unaware of the havoc they are causing. 

Now if you’re anything like me you become most apologetic and whisper ‘excuse me’ at the gossiping pair only to be met with a look of irritation from the recipients for how dare i interrupt their conversation! I have never yet figured out why i feel the need to apologise for i am not the one holding a coffee morning in the middle of my local convenience store. 

And so eventually having managed to squeeze by as, leaning guiltily over to snatch an item from off the shelf behind the pair, you hurry lopsidedly around the rest of the shop and dash for the one open checkout only to encounter……..yes you guessed it…….Enid and Ethel!

Spelling and the Queen’s English

Spending so much time online in this world of technology i, as do most of us, encounter many people in all forms of communication and i find the one thing that drives me to distraction is spelling and the use of our language. Now of course there has developed over time a use of slang and this is pretty much the norm in any language and culture. 

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BUT and this is a big but, the one thing guaranteed to drive me to distraction is the misspelling of the most basic of words, those we should as very small children learn as the norm and certainly we as adults should know and be able to use correctly. Granted the invention of Mobile Phones did little to help the situation with the ongoing creation of ‘text talk’  which i confess drives me insane and on receiving such messages i do text back and say ”could i have that in english please”! 

And yes i do have a most hated word…WAT. This riles me whenever i see it and i am always so temped to correct it..the word is WHAT not WAT. A WAT is a buddhist temple although i do not expect you to know that and neither do i think this was your meaning when writing that word. WHAT WHAT WHAT!! 

Okay so calm, i acknowledge that such a pet peeve has made me so much more aware of my own spelling and use of language and i do try my best to use it appropriately although i expect at times i too get it wrong. But how tragic is it that in this day and age even those words so basic cannot be spelt correctly. 

Most calamitous then for the future of our language, are we to become a nation of text talkers, totally unable to string together a comprehensible  sentence? I Truly hope not! 

Mime Artists and Morris dancers

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Yes you have it i cannot abide neither mine artists nor morris dancers and i expect in this i may be alone. I have not the faintest idea as to why but both arouse in me an intense irritation which to my knowledge has no foundation. I am not aware of any prior encounter with either that could have produced such an adverse feeling but there you have it i cannot tolerate either.

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It is not very often i go into the city but on the rare occasion i do it is inevitable i will encounter some form of street performer as is often the case in the arty parts of any big city. And always it is my misfortune to encounter a mime artist and whether they can sense my dislike or not they always seem to make a beeline for yours truly. 

I remember my last encounter vividly as hurrying head down to my destination and trying desperately to avoid eye contact i was followed up the street by a mime artist feigning the proffering of flowers. Now of course i am female and should some handsome man pursue me down the street with some floral tribute i should be most happy but not when some clown like figure pursues me with invisible blooms causing all and sundry to point in my direction.

I confess to feeling somewhat guilty as this ridiculous figure pantomimed tears at my refusal to acknowledge him but i cannot help the feelings these figures arouse in me and hurried off.

And morris dancers, really?? Need i say more??

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conversations of an unusual nature

okay i confess i have gone entirely and utterly mad. perhaps working with dementia is affecting me for it has come to the stage that shopping in Tesco’s i am actually answering the talking checkout as if this were a perfectly normal everyday thing to do. Now i may have been a little rude but i did say this under my breath so as not to offend the little electronic beings sensibilities. 

okay first item scanned..

CHECKOUT…please place the item in the bagging area ( i comply)

CHECKOUT..unexpected item in bagging area

ME…no its not you just told me to put it in there!!! (shop assistant rectifies the problem) 

CHECKOUT…please scan your next item

ME…I am, i am calm down

CHECKOUT…please place the item in the bagging area……unexpected item in bagging area

ME...well stop telling me to put it in there then!! (shop assistant comes over again)

CHECKOUT…please scan your club card….please scan your club card…please scan your club card

ME( hunting through handbag)….hang on hang on im getting it!! lord have a little patience for once tut!!

CHECKOUT…please take your items…please take your items..please take your items

ME( chasing a rogue apple across the floorwell i’m hardly going to leave it here am i stupid *!$*

oh dear more time spent in intelligent conversation needed i think!! maybe its time to lie down 😛Image