Dear diary

                                                             Image

 

 

Dear Diary,

Today i cried. 

Not just any type of crying but full blown howling complete with hammering fists and stamping feet worthy of any small toddler. I haven’t done that since i was a child but today i just let loose and threw a full blown wailing rage of a tantrum. 

Everybody cries right? Well wrong actually, i don’t. Do you know why?

Its funny in adult life how each of us develop a ‘role’ like some undefined job that you didnt realise you had applied for. Sooner or later you get to realise your job title and the status you play in the lives of those around you. My badge says ‘Fixer’  of literally everything. Need an ear to listen or a hand to help you up? Need a problem solved or something you can’t manage to do on your own? Is there something you can’t build or something you need? Then i’m your go to gal. Whatever your problem you can rely on me to help you through it. 

Strangely i have no idea how it ended up this way but perhaps so many years of taking a back seat and putting everyone else first until i was so busy sorting everyone else out that i forgot about myself. Sheer stubborness and lack of support made me learn how to do everything myself and gradually the art of asking for help from those few who would has totally eluded me. I can do almost anything, from fixing a washing machine to writing you a formal letter. I can wallpaper and fix my plumbing, cook and play counsellor. I’m logical and problem solving to almost Vulcan proportions and i have totally forgotten how to need people and instead concentrated on fixing everything and everyone else. There we have the crux of the problem and the reason i was dragging furniture around in the early hours of the morning.

I guess i am so used to flying solo and not having anyone to share the burden that i sometimes forget how utterly frustrating it can be trying to struggle alone.

Like today. 

OCD in full force found me once again rearranging my furniture. Those who know me will roll their eyes and exclaim ‘not again!’  since this is an almost daily occurence. My critical eye is never satisfied and some mad compulsion drives me to continually rearrange my surroundings hoping somehow to make it rather better than it is. Had i endless funds to just run out and buy this perfection i should find it far easier but alas i do not and have had to let creativity improvise. Yet still this OCD of mine pushes me to make it ‘just that little bit better’  

So very early morning saw me yet again trying to move a very heavy unit in a limited space and im darned if that thing would mavoever. If i’m honest sheer tiredness combined with the slightly not quite well feeling i have had for some time made me shorter tempered than normal and thus the volcano erupted. Sheer blind fury of a kind i have not experienced for a very long time just gushed and i wailed and hammered in sheer temper before bursting into tears. If only the horrid thing had moved!!!

In hindsight i know it is not the fact that it would not move that broke me nor the fact that the furniture just wasn’t ‘right’ that was the problem. No the real cause was i was just so fed up of always having to do everything myself. Tired of saying ”I’m fine” when i’m really not. Tired of fixing everything for everyone else but never fixing myself. Tired of never having someone to help when i need it even if it is to indulge my OCD impulses. Just tired.

 People, i find,  are unfortunately always so busy with thoughts of themselves that even on the occasions they do ask if you’re okay it is usually as an opener for you to ask the same of them and allow them to gain an ear to talk about their own problems. They readily accept your statement that you are indeed ‘fine’ for they do not want to have to detract from attention towards themselves by having to listen to any problems you may have. Be honest are you someone who will listen to someone elses problems before you pour out your own? Few people are since it is often in our nature to be selfish. 

Perhaps i am a doormat for i am the opposite and it is a very clever person indeed who can tell if something is bothering me for i am very adept at wearing a mask. i have learned the hard way over the years that nobody is really interested in your problems even if they are polite enough not to say so. It is far easier to just not have problems and to mentally remind yourself frequently that there are always those worse off than to find nobody there to listen when you need them.  Watching people on the rare occasion i have sought an ear taught me to keep silent for body language and tone of voice are very easy giveaways. Anyone perceptive enough will see when the listeners eyes glaze over or the person is distracted and not really listening to what you are saying and i am most definitely perceptive. People sadly are just not interested unless they are talking about themselves. 

Guilt is a terrible thing and i feel ashamed for thinking i have anything resembling problems no matter how life knocks me down for i have been in a far worse place than this and survived. That there are those in  far worse place than i is something i am all too aware of and i feel i have little right or cause to complain. So i shall keep my silence as i always do and hope that for now the weight has been lifted and some small relief gained by letting it all out. 

So like the proverbial camel i am back on my feet with straws balancing steadily and i tell myself there is always room for one more. Perhaps there is a lot to be said for just having an old fashioned tantrum after all for there is nothing better than letting off steam from time to time. So anyone need anything fixing?

I’m your go to gal. 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes still waters really do run deep

                                                         ”Isn’t that a little dark for you?”

 

This was the comment from a friend this morning when i replied to the standard ”what are you up to?” question with the reply that i was doing my housework listening the new Linkin Park album i bought earlier. Now i totally love Linkin Park, that pure raw emotion that comes from such a great vocalist and many a time when having a bad day i have cranked up the volume on my ipod and selected Linkin Park and speed walked until i feel better. Great rage music..try it and see!! 

But this comment tickled me, for although i am well aware of how people perceive me i take great delight in being a contradiction. This does not mean i am fake, no, i am me and nothing but me but i find it is more down to how much of me i want on display as my public face. Mary Poppins, i have been called this before many times and perhaps it is a very apt description of me, i am sickeningly affable to everyone just because it is in my nature to be so, i am extremely laid back, extremely slow to anger and admit although i dislike many things i will never be driven to hate which is the most ugly of emotions. 

I guess the truth is, a conversation with my best friend made me think about emotions and the displaying of them and having been in a relationship that was so totally devoid of any whether positive or negative i wondered how much i was guilty of this myself. Sure i know on the positive side of things i’m very open, warm, affectionate and giving ( i have been told this so often although the word ‘nice’ makes me want to vomit and i refuse to use it) but the negatives? Mary Poppins or no even i cannot pretend that i do not have them and yet when i examined them in a curiously detached way that i am so good at, i was actually was quite disconcerted to  discover that i never cry. Oh i dont mean in a movie kind of way for put the slightest emotional part in any movie or tv show and i will cry until i sail myself out of the room. That kind of crying i do most freely but otherwise i could not in the last 5 years remember a single time i have really let myself cry, nor yet could i remember a single time when i really lost my temper. I do get mildly angry yes but far from exploding i become very cold and quiet and i am excellent at sarcastically scathing remarks. Lowest form of wit it may be but designed to hurt the most when appropriate although again for me this is extremely rare as i dont often get angry either and i never EVER shout. But really really getting furiously angry? No i find i dont do that either. Yet i have always considered myself to be emotional, when it comes to feelings i really do think i feel them very strongly and passionately. If i love you then i REALLY heart and soul love you, no half measures and if i dislike you then equally i REALLY dislike you for i find there is little point in doing these emotions if you cannot do them properly.

 

Maybe this friend had a point in his deduction that Linkin Park might be a little dark for the me he knows, i suppose you wouldn’t really expect to see Mary Poppins stamping along yowling ‘In The End’ at the top of her voice would you? Yet this thought tickles me for it makes me wonder what Mary really was like underneath and strangely it does not bother me that few people do really know me. Perhaps i am the most strange of women in the fact that i do not actually WANT them to know me, yet i am not entirely sure why. Perhaps it is the appeal of being an enigma, perhaps just simply that it makes it just that little bit more special and meaningful when that odd person does actually know you. I do not know if i am alone in this, whether it is just in my nature and others are more open in revealing who they are  and this is just some oddity unique to me.

So i may surprise you yet then as i turn up the volume and carry myself away to the strains of ‘Leave out all the rest’ , Mary Poppins hat firmly in place and a tendency to keep breaking out into such a delighted grin for it pleases me greatly to be so unexpected. 

                                                           Sometimes still waters really do run deep

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