The weight of desperation…

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As you go about your daily life it is highly unlikely that you will fail to see the obesity crisis rocking the western world in more recent times. Whether it be the huge increase of overweight people in general  or simply the ever increasing adverts screaming ‘LOSE WEIGHT FAST’ you would have to be blinkered indeed not to notice. We are a self indulgent society, there is no escaping from it and sadly it seems we only consider the consequences after the fact. Very far after the fact it seems for many and i myself have been no exception.

I am not one to take much stock of some aspects of social media yet i am amazed at how many people, my friends included, live their whole lives on facebook or its like. There is nothing too personal nor too private that they do not feel ready to announce to the world and i am ceaselessly amazed at some of the things i see and read. As a blogger i am happy to share certain opinions and amusing anecdotes relating to my life but i like the option of privacy and am selective about whom i share my intimacies of life with. Still i am not above browsing interestedly at the public announcements of my friends cringing or chuckling as the status may warrant. Today however, as i idly browsed i was struck by the number of weight loss adverts peppering many of the pages i viewed. Although all different brands and methods they all nonetheless screamed out the same message ‘LOSE WEIGHT FAST’  Perhaps the most alarming thing of all was not the presence of the adverts themselves but the sheer number of people flocking to them wanting that quick fix to their excess weight.

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For me it was a definite trip down memory lane and an almost Christmas Carol like visit to my former unhappy self. To say i was overweight would definitely be no understatement for the disgrace that i had become was almost double the person i am now. Yet it was all of my own doing and to a certain extent a deliberate attempt to obliterate the unhappy shadow that i had become. Never in truth did i consider the consequences of my actions nor did i have the foresightedness to realise that being big would not change the problems that had forced me there, it would only serve to be lessened slightly by the momentary comfort of some sugary treat. It is hard for anyone who has not experienced it to understand the comfort and solace that can be found in the arms of a bar of chocolate. If only the feeling lasted as long as the unhappiness but alas it does not and with it comes the crashing low of reality.

IM FAT!! 

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There may be those rare few who genuinely are happy being bigger and who do not feel the need to conform to a society ideal in order to feel attractive and loved. Sadly i like many was not once of those and longed to undo the damage that i had inflicted upon myself and be once again the slim person i had been before. But again like many i was daunted by the long road ahead and i failed to see the reality of the situation, it had taken years to become this large and it was going to take equally as long to take it away.

I wanted it now! 

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Therein we find the problem of many a dieter, once the decision has been made and the excess weight confronted we want suddenly to be slim overnight. This does not happen and even when the weight loss is rapid the effects upon the body cosmetically are not appealing as the skin fails to keep up with the speed of the weight lost. I have seen many a person embark upon some extreme weight loss programme only to be devastated by the resulting swathes of excess flesh where they had imagined some bikini body. Yet still they flock to these adverts willing to part with hard earned money for the illusion that this will be an overnight fix. I did it the hard way. I dieted, i failed, i cried, i sweated at the gym and i got right back on the wagon after every cheat and tried again. I threw many a tantrum and hurled many an abusive name at my reflection in the mirror but i kept on trying until i finally saw the results. In hindsight i think the stuggle in itself taught me more of a lesson than any quick fix ever could and even today i still carry on fighting the battle to keep from obesity. 

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I cannot help but feel a sadness for those who clamour around the quick fix for i was them once and i remember well the hopelessness and the desperation. The need to conform and the desire to be accepted and loved. Once you have been overweight you are never free from a diet for it is your curse to be susceptible to temptation and weaknesses that led you to where you were in the first place.Yet you learn in a way you never have before and you find a way to ignore the little voice reverberating in your brain urging you to give in and indulge.

I am quite sure i drive my boyfriend mad with my constant self criticism and shattering insecurities and that is my cross to bear. Yet thankfully he understands me and knows from whence it comes. He listens without complaint yet sometimes will reprimand me for slamming down any comforting compliment he may make. Perhaps the latter rather frustratedly for he knows at times that no matter what he says i shall not hear it.  But hear it i do although it maybe sometime later when it penetrates the sometimes self loathing i feel. It is a battle i shall continue to fight maybe forever but i’m winning…at least i am winning. Still i cannot help but feel sad when i see the girls i used to be, cannot help a wave of memories crash in, followed by the relief that i made it. Almost.

There simply is no quick fix. It is something you come to learn as you make the journey yourself, for the battle is as much inside as it is out. I made it on the outside, i was lucky and i do look good i grudgingly can admit this but it took someone else to open my eyes. The inside is something else and i shall carry on along the road with a supporting hand in mine.

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The weight of desperation.  

How to tame your inner fat girl

Yet again this weekend sees me chained to Ebay, watching as auction after auction ends. Why?? Well those items. they’re all mine you see.

I blame it on my inner fat girl!

Very few of us have accurate body perception and women in particular will obsess about their most hated flaw until it reaches a tragedy of epic proportions. That extra inch on the hips and thighs suddenly becomes 10 and you no longer want to be seen out in public. You fixate and self deprecate until your perception of yourself is distorted beyond all recognition.

My weight loss journey has been shared on here and if i face reality i am a very acceptable 5ft 10 and size 10/12 yet most of the time i cannot see it. Several times lately i have had to return clothing to a store because habit see’s me purchasing size 14’s and L/XL when i am so far removed from this now. Then i find i am greatly annoyed when the coveted dress/jeans hang like a sack on my much smaller frame and i have the hassle of returning and reordering or,as i frequently do., throwing it in the wardrobe to hang forever unworn.

Sometimes. like today, i find myself overloading ebay with my wrongly sized purchases and i vow to buy things in my proper size next time but still often i never do. I still see the curvy girl you see. Only when confronted by a mirror do i actually see and register the transformation and i would be lying if i didn’t say that it comes as a shock every time. I guess the reality is how many of us actually look at ourselves in a full length mirror and actually SEE what we look like??

Not me that’s for sure.

Only recently after a conversation with my trainer did i acknowledge that i am no longer the girl i was and i should be proud of how dramatic a change i have effected in only 3 months. I can run, i’m slim, i weight train and i’m fit and healthy. Sheer hard work has gotten me here and i am not about to let it all slide any time soon. Maybe when i’m 80 i shall relax and eat chicken burgers and chocolate but for now i adore the gym and i love being slim.

”Start looking in a full length mirror every day” my trainer advised wisely ”There are plenty of women at this gym who would love your figure”

Really?? My squirming impulse immediately was to self criticise as i usually do. A fault i developed long ago to run myself down before anyone else could and it became a terrible habit. Any self confidence is well and truly trampled and you are the worst culprit for it, yet you do not see that. So upon his advice i started to look in the mirror and actually LOOK properly for a change. No i am not perfect but i look good especially for my age and i am starting to slowly accept that when my lovely boyfriend calls me beautiful it is because he see’s me as such. I do not believe he would lie but the inner me could never accept it and always brushed his comments aside blaming him as having bad eyesight. You see the instant self criticism??

So my inner fat girl and i we confront each other daily and i try on a pair of jeans that used to fit and chuckle as they instantly fall into a puddle around my feet. Then i stick out my tongue and tell her she isn’t coming out any more. She sighs but she knows she cannot win any more and so she is resigned to it. With tape measure in hand i confront myself with the inches i have lost and then i tell myself 

‘You look great, you have done fantastic and you are almost there keep going’

You can beat your inner fat girl you just need to face the truth. Buy a full length mirror and look, look ,look!! Give yourself the right to be proud of your own achievements and when someone tells you you’re beautiful? Just accept that to them you probably are and simply say thankyou.

Nobody is perfect, even those famous faces have something about them that they do not like. Beauty is after all in the eye of the beholder. My inner fat girl and i are off to the gym and we’re going to run and run, because we can. 

A week in the life of the obsessively obsessive

“The cure for an obsession is to get another one” Mason Cooley

I never wanted to admit that i’m obsessive. To me obsession smacks of ‘Fatal Attraction’ or ‘Single white Female’ you know the stalker kind of thing and i’m not like that. But this week i’ve had to face the fact i do get rather obsessive about things and although this invariably gets things done i sometimes wish i could be a little more lackadaisical about things instead. So take this week….

Obsession 1) The Painting

This was meant to be just freshening up the paint on the woodwork in my small downstairs hallway and in the beginning this was all i intended it to be BUT the little mad demon took over as soon as the paintbrush touched my hand and every bit of woodwork apart from inside of the bedrooms got painted. ALL of it, every spindle of the staircase, every door frame and every skirting board. 11pm and i’m still there painting away (and yes i obsessively did it properly undercoat and all) Two days later sitting cross legged on the top landing at 7am sanding away when the door flings open and a bleary eyed son growls ”MUM!!! what the hell are you doing you woke me up!!”  Okay so he’s a dormouse at the best of times but even i had to look sheepish and slink off downstairs. Admittedly i did give it a rest yesterday but sitting here now i can here the unpainted bits calling me from upstairs……paint me, paint meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Obsession 2) The diet

Okay so i’m back on the diet wagon again, back on the groundhog day roller coaster and yet again vowing that once i reach my goal I’ll stay there and not let it slide. And the odd thing is i actually do MEAN it. But then i meant it every other time too, i’m nothing if not sincere. I just happen to have all the willpower of a bunny in mating season most of the time. That coupled with the fact that biscuits personally call my name means i’m pretty much on my way down the slide as soon as i get to the top. What i DO get obsessive about is the diet itself, admittedly this takes me a few days to get my head around but then it just clicks and i get obsessive. Thats where i’m at right now, weighing myself every morning, beating myself up if i dont lose any weight and rigidly sticking to my calorie intake with all the dedication of an olympic athlete. Sure its paying off, stepping on the scales this morning and seeing the total flick round to 6lbs down for the week made me shriek with joy, already picturing myself wearing my favourite but too small pair of jeans. Still having another 10lbs to go means the obsession merry go round is still spinning and i havent figured out what i’m going to do when i get to my goal. Hmmmmmmmm……..

Obsession 3) Ally Mcbeal

I love this show!! I think it appeals so much because in a lot of ways she is ME!! okay so im not a 27 year old lawyer who is far from having a single excess pound but the rest i can SO relate. Now admittedly i dont dance around my lounge with a dancing baby but yes i do dance around my lounge(with a cushion) i DO own those kinds of pyjamas and i do lament about my love life, meet lots of Mr Wrongs and have a serious case of foot in mouth. I love this show and come 10pm sees me tucked up in bed chuckling away at her antics and sighing wistfully at her long lost love affair with childhood sweetheart Billy. If only my life were so interesting right? Hey i could even live with the dancing baby thing if i had to. But for now Ally and i are keeping each other company and mourning our less than perfect romantic lives…..maybe one day right?

Obsession 4)  Making coffee

I’m scatty, i confess it freely yet strangely i have a fantastically good memory. I just get distracted or obsessed with some things and forget about others. This week its coffee!! I’ve pretty much lost count of how many cups of coffee i have made this week but the thing is im not even drinking half of them!! I’m weird i rarely drink a whole cup of coffee anyway and DD1 used to complain when she lived at home that there were always third full cups lying around and i’d be off making another. Lately however due to obsessions and latent scattiness i seem to be accumulating rather more leftover coffee than usual, i just keep forgetting i’ve made one and then i’ll glance down and exclaim ‘oh where did that come from?’  Of course waste not want not i tried microwaving them instead of making fresh but anyone who’s done that will know how gross it is so that stopped pretty quickly. My daughter suggested i only make half a cup if i wasnt going to drink it all but the thing is i would STILL leave some…i have no ideal why?? Its a foible of mine. So i’m trying to wean myself away from the coffee ritual and trying to go for the diet coke instead, sure i know its bad for me but i haven’t drunk soda in years so i dont think a little bit will hurt. And as i type this the kettle suddenly comes to a boil and pings off…………….oh dear!

Obsession 5) Pineapple

I never used to like pineapple, i went 42 whole years hating the stuff and picking it from out of evey meal it was ever served up in. I totally adore fruits like mango, nectarines and my particular favourite the persimmon but i couldnt abide pineapple. Actually the truth was i’d never eaten fresh pineapple and one day not so long ago encountering fresh pineapple in my grocery delivery instead of my beloved mango  i was horrifed but loathe to waste it so decided to eat it anyway. Boy was i in for a surprise!! A most of you know fresh pineapple is totally different to the gross canned variety and i was so surprised i ate the lot then went right out and bough some more. And so began my addiction, i easily eat up to 1.5kg a day (yes a lot i know) and i admit i gave myself a huge tummy ache last week sitting and eating half a kilo in one go but i totally adore the stuff and would quite happily live on just that if it wasnt so unhealthy. Of course there are down sides and the worst thing is it makes you pee, like forever!! Its mostly water so what goes in has to come back out, usually at 3am which is pretty inconvenient and is driving my son crazy as i clatter into a dozen things on my way to the bathroom for the third time that night. Maybe i’ll get bored eventually. And maybe not….

 

So as it goes i figure i’m pretty obsessive yes? Oh well next obsession please….