The weight of desperation…

                                Image

As you go about your daily life it is highly unlikely that you will fail to see the obesity crisis rocking the western world in more recent times. Whether it be the huge increase of overweight people in general  or simply the ever increasing adverts screaming ‘LOSE WEIGHT FAST’ you would have to be blinkered indeed not to notice. We are a self indulgent society, there is no escaping from it and sadly it seems we only consider the consequences after the fact. Very far after the fact it seems for many and i myself have been no exception.

I am not one to take much stock of some aspects of social media yet i am amazed at how many people, my friends included, live their whole lives on facebook or its like. There is nothing too personal nor too private that they do not feel ready to announce to the world and i am ceaselessly amazed at some of the things i see and read. As a blogger i am happy to share certain opinions and amusing anecdotes relating to my life but i like the option of privacy and am selective about whom i share my intimacies of life with. Still i am not above browsing interestedly at the public announcements of my friends cringing or chuckling as the status may warrant. Today however, as i idly browsed i was struck by the number of weight loss adverts peppering many of the pages i viewed. Although all different brands and methods they all nonetheless screamed out the same message ‘LOSE WEIGHT FAST’  Perhaps the most alarming thing of all was not the presence of the adverts themselves but the sheer number of people flocking to them wanting that quick fix to their excess weight.

                      Image

For me it was a definite trip down memory lane and an almost Christmas Carol like visit to my former unhappy self. To say i was overweight would definitely be no understatement for the disgrace that i had become was almost double the person i am now. Yet it was all of my own doing and to a certain extent a deliberate attempt to obliterate the unhappy shadow that i had become. Never in truth did i consider the consequences of my actions nor did i have the foresightedness to realise that being big would not change the problems that had forced me there, it would only serve to be lessened slightly by the momentary comfort of some sugary treat. It is hard for anyone who has not experienced it to understand the comfort and solace that can be found in the arms of a bar of chocolate. If only the feeling lasted as long as the unhappiness but alas it does not and with it comes the crashing low of reality.

IM FAT!! 

                          Image

There may be those rare few who genuinely are happy being bigger and who do not feel the need to conform to a society ideal in order to feel attractive and loved. Sadly i like many was not once of those and longed to undo the damage that i had inflicted upon myself and be once again the slim person i had been before. But again like many i was daunted by the long road ahead and i failed to see the reality of the situation, it had taken years to become this large and it was going to take equally as long to take it away.

I wanted it now! 

                 Image

Therein we find the problem of many a dieter, once the decision has been made and the excess weight confronted we want suddenly to be slim overnight. This does not happen and even when the weight loss is rapid the effects upon the body cosmetically are not appealing as the skin fails to keep up with the speed of the weight lost. I have seen many a person embark upon some extreme weight loss programme only to be devastated by the resulting swathes of excess flesh where they had imagined some bikini body. Yet still they flock to these adverts willing to part with hard earned money for the illusion that this will be an overnight fix. I did it the hard way. I dieted, i failed, i cried, i sweated at the gym and i got right back on the wagon after every cheat and tried again. I threw many a tantrum and hurled many an abusive name at my reflection in the mirror but i kept on trying until i finally saw the results. In hindsight i think the stuggle in itself taught me more of a lesson than any quick fix ever could and even today i still carry on fighting the battle to keep from obesity. 

                                  Image

I cannot help but feel a sadness for those who clamour around the quick fix for i was them once and i remember well the hopelessness and the desperation. The need to conform and the desire to be accepted and loved. Once you have been overweight you are never free from a diet for it is your curse to be susceptible to temptation and weaknesses that led you to where you were in the first place.Yet you learn in a way you never have before and you find a way to ignore the little voice reverberating in your brain urging you to give in and indulge.

I am quite sure i drive my boyfriend mad with my constant self criticism and shattering insecurities and that is my cross to bear. Yet thankfully he understands me and knows from whence it comes. He listens without complaint yet sometimes will reprimand me for slamming down any comforting compliment he may make. Perhaps the latter rather frustratedly for he knows at times that no matter what he says i shall not hear it.  But hear it i do although it maybe sometime later when it penetrates the sometimes self loathing i feel. It is a battle i shall continue to fight maybe forever but i’m winning…at least i am winning. Still i cannot help but feel sad when i see the girls i used to be, cannot help a wave of memories crash in, followed by the relief that i made it. Almost.

There simply is no quick fix. It is something you come to learn as you make the journey yourself, for the battle is as much inside as it is out. I made it on the outside, i was lucky and i do look good i grudgingly can admit this but it took someone else to open my eyes. The inside is something else and i shall carry on along the road with a supporting hand in mine.

                                                             Image

The weight of desperation.  

Advertisements

A better sense of achievement

So for those of you who follow my blog and more specifically my weight loss journey today is a little bit of an update. Cue a drumroll as i announce that today i reached my initial weight loss goal that i set right at the beginning of this little sojourn of mine yet strangely having reached here it felt like somewhat of an anticlimax. I should be shrieking with delight and turning somersaults up and down the street but instead all this is replaced with a rather flat sense of ‘oh okay, now what’

I guess i could describe it rather like thinking you are going to New York for a holiday and suddenly finding yourself in a B&B in Clacton clutching a soggy egg sandwich and a bucket with a hole in it. Yes you have it exactly and i’d be most disappointed too, deflating faster than a well holed balloon. Perhaps though it is all just down to a sense of perspective and it was only when talking to a newly adopted young friend of mine that i actually realised how far i have come. Like many my young friend struggles with weight issues and self esteem and from the first i felt such sympathy that i took her under my wing and try to help her where i can.

Being the character she is she will listen often but also ignore advice i give then come to me with tears when she finds that she has failed but i do not mind this for she needs to make mistakes in order to learn. She is at this time where i once was a long time ago and i understand so well the mountain set before her and the feeling you will never get over it no matter how you try. Frequently she exclaims to me about the weight i have lost and the work i have had to put in to get here and it is only then that i actually realise just how changed a person i am.

How comical to think that at 43 i look younger now than i did 10 years ago at 33 and just over half the woman i was back then. Yet for all i reached my goal and am now slim and perfectly in the middle of my ideal weight range for my height i decided to reset my goals and aim for more.Yes i look good, i know this for i have worked so hard for it believe me, but i know i can look better and this spurs me on.  A gym addiction that i never could have believed leaves me with a fierce determination for an athletes body and the sleek definition of a weight lifter and i know i can have it. So 10 more pounds and lifting with renewed vigor and yet again i have a goal to aim for.

I have my eye on the ultimate dress for christmas, i know it will fit and look good already but i want amazing. Watch this space!!

Finally!!

If you’re a reader of my blog you will without doubt know of my weight loss and gym body journey. Most of you do not know that i started out 10 years ago weighing in at a hefty 284lbs which placed me firmly in the middle of the obese category as regards to BMI and wearing massive uk size 26 clothing.

I make no excuses for this, events i wish to keep private led me to need to be this way at that point in time. That is not to say i liked it, far from it but it served a purpose at the time. In hindsight i wish i had not abused my body so badly, it has taken a lot of hard work to return from that place and an older wiser me would have found a better way to achieve the effect. The plus side is i am so far from that person now as to totally appear to be someone else. These days i am a bit of a gym bunny and i do not care if i work until i throw up (and yes i have done this) but i fully intend to have that gym body and will do whatever it takes to get there. 

I guess the biggest change of all is being able to look in a mirror and not want to cry at the reflection looking back at me. Where once i would need to hide under oversized clothing now i know i am looking pretty good and can only get better and i find i can like the person looking back at me for the first time in my life. Today i weighed in and almost shrieked the house down when the scales settled at my lowest weight since i was 23 years old and more importantly i am now back into the NORMAL category for BMI. Yes me!! I am a normal weight for my 5ft10 height at at last. It seems hard work does pay off (thank-you weight training) and i really did want to scream like crazy and turn cartwheels on the front lawn. It might be a little helpful if i were actually ABLE to perform a cartwheel but you get the idea. Although i”m not sure what the neighbours would make of some crazy woman screeching and turning cartwheels in her pyjamas!!

114lb down since that fat girl 10 years ago and 7 dress sizes down!!

My journey is not over, i have a little way to go and am stepping up the weights and training to get there for i have a vision in my mind of how i want to look( Yes Jessica Ennis i want to look like you) and i WILL get there. But for now i can hop up and down with glee for at last i can shout out I AM HEALTHY!!!!

A weighty issue

So as you all know, if you have been following my blog, i’m currently being a typical woman fighting the weightloss war. Whilst by most peoples standards i am definitely not obese, by societies standards i am definitely bigger than i should be although i am very lucky that i am such a tall girl. Actually the only time i curse my height is when trying to purchase jeans and finding them flapping merrily around my ankles being far too short. 

So yet again morning finds me at the gym stepping up the effort as much as i can since to date all dieting and exercising has produced no results. I do not mind being proud that i work very hard at the gym doing both weight training (real hard training not pink barbie weights) and doing hard cardio to help with the burn. But all to no avail as the pounds cling grimly to my curves stubbornly refusing to move. Curse you darned pear shape!! 

Now i have to add into this a moment that made me giggle. Imagine the scene, myself and another woman both training hard plus half a dozen serious body building guys putting in some super effort when in sashays another woman. Sashays is definitely the right word as she wiggled in walking primarily on her toes with perfectly curled pony tail bouncing as she went. Wearing designer Sweaty Betty gym trousers and matching crop top with sweat bands around her pretty little head and wrists to keep the sweat from her perfectly made up face. This doll like creature proceeded to lie on the floor and wave her legs in the air two or three times before sitting up to ‘rest’ then wiggled her way over to the nearest machine. Setting it at the lowest weight she pulled delicately at it whilst admiring herself in the mirror no more than five times before skipping back to the mat and repeating the leg waving. 

This pretty little barbie was in the gym no more than twenty minutes and did not break into so much as a sheen let alone a sweat and i did have to grin for the guys gave her barely a cursory glance before turning their attentions to their training. I think my face must have betrayed me for as one guy observed my amused grin he caught my eye and shook his head, raising his eyebrows in her direction. 

Lack of effort is definitely not my problem so i felt a change of approach was much needed. After speaking to a fellow dieter i learned about Intermittent Fasting and i admit this really interested me. Basically intermittent fasting means you only eat within a certain window of time per day and then fast, drinking only fluids for the rest. Most women usually do 14/10 (14 hours fasting/ 10 hour eating window) but since i weight train like the guys i figured the 16/8 would be better for me. Since we are sleeping for on average 8 hours per day this covers a fair portion of the fasting period.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN??

Well essentially it means that in my case i do not eat before 12pm and never after 8pm which actually suits me very well. I’ve never been a breakfast fan and pretty much only ever eat breakfast when i’m on a diet so this really was no hardship.(Yes i can hear people gasping in horror up and down the country, how can she not eat breakfast!! )Allotted calories for the day are then eaten between the hours of 12 and 8. Exercise is always done in a fasting state and must be done when the stomach has been empty for at least 5 hours. I admit i was a little worried about this figuring i would have zero energy but i was amazed when my body responded and i actually had loads. Afterwards i felt fantastic which really did surprise me!

WHY MUST I TRAIN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH??

Well the reasoning behind this is simple, if you train having eaten then your muscles will first use up the Glycogen stored within them and then your body will begin to use the food as a source of fuel to maintain your workout. Training on an empty stomach forces the body to use its own fat reserves in the absence of any food to fuel itself therefore essentially increasing weight loss. Nothing is to be eaten for a minimum of an hour after training to allow the body to carry on burning fat instead of latching onto post workout snacks.

Yes it probably sounds like you are going to starve but this is not true for you are still getting your daily calorific needs but within a shorter fixed period of time rather than grazing and eating throughout the whole day. How effective this will be remains to be seen and i shall update my progress.

We shall see…

On gaining a little motivation

Well it just had to be done, i finally got frustrated enough to get my behind back down to the gym and sign on the dotted line. After yet another day of dieting yesterday i hopped onto the scales this morning and they hadn’t moved, not one single gram!! I actually got off, reset them, took off my pyjama top and climbed back on but no, still the same. I then got off again and got back on standing nearer the front but still no change and then resorted to jumping up and down on the darned things which resulted in a 1lb gain followed by a 1lb loss. Definitely not impressed i jumped off, scowled at the scale and growled ‘stupid bloody things’ at them before tossing them into a corner. 

It was all so much easier when i was younger but now the love handles are definitely in there for the long haul, aptly named they hug my hips tightly crooning ‘i love you’ Yes well i dont love you, pack your bags and leave!!  Well there was nothing for it but to head back to the gym and become a gym bunny again, so trainers donned, grown up daughter in tow we headed down for a torture session designed to shift even the most stubborn of inches.  I was actually relieved to see the guy on duty wasn’t some buff tanned pretty boy guaranteed to make me feel like a 90 year old nellie the elephant but instead a guy of around my own age who certainly seems to know what he was talking about. 

It seems much has changed in my absence and emphasis for girls is on reps rather than weight as it was when i was there before. I was slightly disappointed by this for i confess i did take a rather gleeful delight in sitting next to guys on the benches and easily pressing more than them and watching them slope off to pick up something heavier to struggle with and retain manly pride. Aren’t i terrible??

So as we launched into new training programme i was pretty pleased that i didnt struggle too much and hadn’t had to drop weights too far although trust me i’m pretty sure i’ll suffer for it tomorrow and will be walking like a 90 year old. Two hours flew by and although i emerged half dead it was with that strange kind of exhilaration you get when you’ve been training. I’d actually forgotten how much i love the gym although i think i’ll tone up a bit before i resume training with the guys. Biggest surprise of all was surveying myself in the full length changing room mirror and realising i wasnt quite as big as i had been mentally picturing myself although there was plenty of room for improvement. 

So once again i am a gym bunny panda and hopefully middle age spread will be well and truly banished. Watch this space!! 

The shake rattle and roll of a diet queen

I never used to be health conscious, i guess like most people i sailed through my teens and twenties without a single thought of what i was eating, i just ate it and that was that. Health and fitness wasn’t exactly big business in the 80s, at least if it was i really didnt notice, not until the last few years when this whole healthy business really started to boom. Only when having to tackle a weight problem myself in the early noughties did i actually sit back and look at my horrendous diet.

                                                   Image

I have done something about it, radically changing the way i eat and choosing a much healthier option, ditching junk and red meat and loading up on the veg, fruit, white meat and fish. But i’m a carb junkie, i cant help it and would happily live on sandwiches forever ( admittedly i did swap to wholegrain bread) and my downfall the biscuit tin. A whole day of wonderfully healthy eating ruined by furtive biscuit snatching and guilty justification means perhaps i’m not QUITE as healthy as i’d like to be. 

Tv i find does little to help being flooded with shows on health and obesity and i confess i do record shows like Biggest Loser and Fat Surgeons and things like that so i can watch them and scare myself into being good. A little bit of a case of ‘therefore but for the grace of god’ if you will. It works!! For me this works and i will avoid the biscuit tin for a while, i guess my fear of getting fat again is enough of a deterrent in that quarter although i realise i should just have enough willpower to resist on my own. So lately i have made a real decision to put some effort into my health and i am sticking to my healthy diet, no biscuits (yay go me!!) and trying to be more conscious of only eating when i actually AM hungry and not through some awful ingrained habit.

                        Image

Healthy yes, and so i trotted off to the health food store determined to help myself as much as i could (maybe a slight tv show brainwashing in force here) and loaded up on vitamins and things. A-Z vitamins and minerals?? Oh yes we need those we have to be deficient in SOMETHING ( yes talking about oneself in the plural is a bad habit of mine) Evening primrose?? Oh yes that too, not sure why exactly but its good for women right?? Cod liver oil?? oh yes extra strength i dont want to be getting arthritis when i’m old do i??  Kelp tablets?? Boost your metabolism? Oh well we DEFINITELY need those then!! My hand hovered over the Adios, i’ve seen this on tv and its meant to help with weight loss right?? Okay so we threw that in too along with a bumper pack of vitamin c and zinc and some herbal tea stuff.

Funnily enough they gave me a reward points card when i went to pay ( i wonder why??) and i trotted off home with all this stuff merrily rattling in my bag. I swear the people on the bus must’ve thought i was an addict or something as i rattled my way up the aisle. Super healthy me here i come….Right??

Well i’ve been taking this stuff for about a month now and i’m not sure if i’m supposed to feel any different. Energy levels..pretty much the same, i still crawl out of bed in a morning yawning like crazy and feeling like i got run over by the sandmans truck as he left my room. Hair and skin i must confess look loads better!! Hair is growing like crazy and skin is clearer and less dull so i guess something is going right. I dont feel so achey so i guess perhaps again there is something in this cod liver oil thing but as for the rest well hmmmmm i dont know. 

Adios, i must touch on this. Its meant to be a herbal kind of diet pill but for me i cant say that this has any effect at all. One thing i will warn you is it makes you feel very VERY sick. Perhaps this is the intention and if you feel queasy enough you won’t want to eat and ultimately will lose weight but after a month i cant say that this has done anything for me at all. One other thing, it is a diurectic too so it makes you pee…a lot!! 

So early morning and i’m lining up the pills with my morning coffee and coming to the conclusion that i must rattle like a tube of smarties when i walk. ~perhaps i’ll have to wait until i’m an old gal before i notice if any of it was worth it and if all my friends start dropping like flies and i’m still standing i’ll know it was. Darn the tv for making me feel guilty perhaps i should go and start watching reruns of Bonanza or something and avoid all these super healthy programmes altogether. Still at least as i dance around my lounge with the duster i’ve got a little added percussion to join me. Who needs maracas!!

A week in the life of the obsessively obsessive

“The cure for an obsession is to get another one” Mason Cooley

I never wanted to admit that i’m obsessive. To me obsession smacks of ‘Fatal Attraction’ or ‘Single white Female’ you know the stalker kind of thing and i’m not like that. But this week i’ve had to face the fact i do get rather obsessive about things and although this invariably gets things done i sometimes wish i could be a little more lackadaisical about things instead. So take this week….

Obsession 1) The Painting

This was meant to be just freshening up the paint on the woodwork in my small downstairs hallway and in the beginning this was all i intended it to be BUT the little mad demon took over as soon as the paintbrush touched my hand and every bit of woodwork apart from inside of the bedrooms got painted. ALL of it, every spindle of the staircase, every door frame and every skirting board. 11pm and i’m still there painting away (and yes i obsessively did it properly undercoat and all) Two days later sitting cross legged on the top landing at 7am sanding away when the door flings open and a bleary eyed son growls ”MUM!!! what the hell are you doing you woke me up!!”  Okay so he’s a dormouse at the best of times but even i had to look sheepish and slink off downstairs. Admittedly i did give it a rest yesterday but sitting here now i can here the unpainted bits calling me from upstairs……paint me, paint meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Obsession 2) The diet

Okay so i’m back on the diet wagon again, back on the groundhog day roller coaster and yet again vowing that once i reach my goal I’ll stay there and not let it slide. And the odd thing is i actually do MEAN it. But then i meant it every other time too, i’m nothing if not sincere. I just happen to have all the willpower of a bunny in mating season most of the time. That coupled with the fact that biscuits personally call my name means i’m pretty much on my way down the slide as soon as i get to the top. What i DO get obsessive about is the diet itself, admittedly this takes me a few days to get my head around but then it just clicks and i get obsessive. Thats where i’m at right now, weighing myself every morning, beating myself up if i dont lose any weight and rigidly sticking to my calorie intake with all the dedication of an olympic athlete. Sure its paying off, stepping on the scales this morning and seeing the total flick round to 6lbs down for the week made me shriek with joy, already picturing myself wearing my favourite but too small pair of jeans. Still having another 10lbs to go means the obsession merry go round is still spinning and i havent figured out what i’m going to do when i get to my goal. Hmmmmmmmm……..

Obsession 3) Ally Mcbeal

I love this show!! I think it appeals so much because in a lot of ways she is ME!! okay so im not a 27 year old lawyer who is far from having a single excess pound but the rest i can SO relate. Now admittedly i dont dance around my lounge with a dancing baby but yes i do dance around my lounge(with a cushion) i DO own those kinds of pyjamas and i do lament about my love life, meet lots of Mr Wrongs and have a serious case of foot in mouth. I love this show and come 10pm sees me tucked up in bed chuckling away at her antics and sighing wistfully at her long lost love affair with childhood sweetheart Billy. If only my life were so interesting right? Hey i could even live with the dancing baby thing if i had to. But for now Ally and i are keeping each other company and mourning our less than perfect romantic lives…..maybe one day right?

Obsession 4)  Making coffee

I’m scatty, i confess it freely yet strangely i have a fantastically good memory. I just get distracted or obsessed with some things and forget about others. This week its coffee!! I’ve pretty much lost count of how many cups of coffee i have made this week but the thing is im not even drinking half of them!! I’m weird i rarely drink a whole cup of coffee anyway and DD1 used to complain when she lived at home that there were always third full cups lying around and i’d be off making another. Lately however due to obsessions and latent scattiness i seem to be accumulating rather more leftover coffee than usual, i just keep forgetting i’ve made one and then i’ll glance down and exclaim ‘oh where did that come from?’  Of course waste not want not i tried microwaving them instead of making fresh but anyone who’s done that will know how gross it is so that stopped pretty quickly. My daughter suggested i only make half a cup if i wasnt going to drink it all but the thing is i would STILL leave some…i have no ideal why?? Its a foible of mine. So i’m trying to wean myself away from the coffee ritual and trying to go for the diet coke instead, sure i know its bad for me but i haven’t drunk soda in years so i dont think a little bit will hurt. And as i type this the kettle suddenly comes to a boil and pings off…………….oh dear!

Obsession 5) Pineapple

I never used to like pineapple, i went 42 whole years hating the stuff and picking it from out of evey meal it was ever served up in. I totally adore fruits like mango, nectarines and my particular favourite the persimmon but i couldnt abide pineapple. Actually the truth was i’d never eaten fresh pineapple and one day not so long ago encountering fresh pineapple in my grocery delivery instead of my beloved mango  i was horrifed but loathe to waste it so decided to eat it anyway. Boy was i in for a surprise!! A most of you know fresh pineapple is totally different to the gross canned variety and i was so surprised i ate the lot then went right out and bough some more. And so began my addiction, i easily eat up to 1.5kg a day (yes a lot i know) and i admit i gave myself a huge tummy ache last week sitting and eating half a kilo in one go but i totally adore the stuff and would quite happily live on just that if it wasnt so unhealthy. Of course there are down sides and the worst thing is it makes you pee, like forever!! Its mostly water so what goes in has to come back out, usually at 3am which is pretty inconvenient and is driving my son crazy as i clatter into a dozen things on my way to the bathroom for the third time that night. Maybe i’ll get bored eventually. And maybe not….

 

So as it goes i figure i’m pretty obsessive yes? Oh well next obsession please….

weightloss war of a 40 something carthorse

You’d never believe i once weighed 2lbs would you? Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand looking for all the world like a skinny little rat.

But i was.

Hitting my teens i was  still pretty skinny as it goes, tall but with the slightest hint of disproportionate thighs that hinted at the cursed pear shape to come. ‘Thunder- Thighs’ my brothers called me…oh i so hated that name back then but now it makes me laugh. ”Nowt wrong wi er” my mother would say” built like a pit pony arent you ducks”  yes thanks mother!!Even come early twenty something and the mother of two i pretty quickly lost all my ‘baby weight’  and was admittedly on the slender side for my height but of course those accursed thighs were STILL haunting me and i knew then i should never lose them. Actually i was pretty happy with my weight at that time although it most definitely would not suit me now.

And so along came mid 20s and this is where my war with weight began. I think this ranks on up there with the most unhappy i have been in my life and i began that fatal cycle of eating to make myself feel better. Anyone who battles with weight will know yes it DOES make you feel better..for that few moments you’re eating it but that high quickly fades and you crave that feeling again.Somewhere in the depths of ignored reality you know you are gaining weight but you refuse to acknowledge it, making every excuse under the sun for the reason your clothes don’t fit and determinedly avoiding those mirrors that show more than just head and shoulders. If you are like me cameras were avoided and any photographs that did sneak through were swiftly torn to shreds and disposed of.

Image

And so my obese frame and i waved goodbye to my 20s and sailed on into my 30s, every wobbling inch growing larger by the day. I guess i was rather more fortunate than most in that i am rather tall for a girl and thus could carry this off better than most but it did not hide the fact i was almost twice the size i should be. And then came the shock. Most of those who embark on the diet roller coaster will do so as the result of a sharp slap around the face by reality and the realisation finally dawns of what you have become. This is the point where you have to concede that eating did not make the problems go away and you are not infact any happier than you were when you were your much smaller self. On one fateful day myself and i came face to face with the bane of every obese persons life..the full length mirror. Oh it took rather a while for the hysterical crying to stop and then i marched my stout frame right along to the nearest diet club and never looked back.

And then i found ME!  One year later and early 30s i was half my previous size and twirling around ecstatically in my first pair of jeans in a decade. Trust me thats some feeling and one i wont forget in a very long time. I looked slim and healthy and yes i felt attractive for the first time and oh i admit i flaunted it. And with it came true love the kind that lifts you up and carries you along and makes you feel that no matter what youre perfect the way you are. 

Then i was happy, diet was shelved and i really did not worry and if i was not a size zero well it didnt worry me at all i was happy with my size 12 figure and had no desire to change the way i was. But inevitably as things often are the case this did not last and on finding myself single again i comitted the ultimate sin and turned to my very best friend….food. And as always it did not let me down and every time i needed to feel better it was there to pick me up. I guess i was lucky because i could so easily have carried on and ended up right back where i had started but having had the forethought to dispose of those tent like garments as i had worn before i was faced with the choice. Diet or go around naked!! 

Image

Yes here we go again all aboard!! So back on the roller coaster i go, hitting the gym and working furiously to rid myself of that hated stone that had so stubbornly attached itself to my frame and yet again i did it. Twirling again in my favourite jeans i vowed never to let myself slide again.

But i did. Of course i did.

So with every crisis comes the eating and for a while i feel better. And then i look in the mirror and feel ashamed for being so weak and yet again make the vow..i WILL stick to it this time. But of course i do not and this stone and i have met and parted so many times that we are now old friends. And i hate what i become when this dependant me comes along. I confess i have many times stood infront of the mirror exclaiming ”god you fat cow” before turning away in disgust.

And as it and i look in the mirror this morning i wave it goodbye yet again and hop back onto that never ending ride solemnly promising that i will not fail this time and i must learn to find another way to deal with my problems. Eating solves nothing i know that and i really am determined to try.

Again…..