I don’t want your freedom

400 Powerful Freedom Quotes That Will Set You

 

When i was young i read a historically controversial book called 1984. I remember being fascinated yet horrified by the draconian society portrayed yet remained absently detached as this was so far removed from the world of my then existence. Literature portraying dystopian society has always fascinated us, perhaps by its very contrast of the world we live in.

Or is it?

Fast forward to 2020 and events of recent years lead me to wonder if perhaps this book was somewhat prophetic in nature and if perhaps the society within were not some kind of pending possibility.

I find it hard to equate modern society with our history of fighting for freedom of word, thought, deed and intention. In past times those subjugated were not just of colour but of gender, intelligence, belief, physicality and opportunity. Gradually years of rebellion have strived and continue to strive to free all of those who might normally have been relegated to being ‘less’.

So how then have we come to be so intolerant despite all of our hard won victories. How do we live in a society where freedom of speech is a crime, for there will be sure to be someone who will take offence if their opinion differs to your own. We endorse this. We validate it and we give people permission to take offence, even when there was none of this in its intent.  We are a people offended. We seek it. We find it where it doesn’t exist. Because we need it to make us feel better about who we are. We need to create our imaginary purpose.

The written word, once so enlightening is now the most guilty of criminals for it fails endlessly to express its intended meaning. Have 1000 people read the same sentence and you will get 1000 different interpretations of it, yet who of us is to decide which interpretation is correct. Perhaps only that person who wrote the sentence in the first place, yet there are many who will claim that they know better than the writer , the meaning and intent behind it. Have we become so determined to be offended by everything we see and hear that we are guilty of becoming Orwellian thought police after all.

Perhaps we need to be more tolerant and celebratory of each other and respect that individuality for which we fought for so long. Perhaps we need to respect that not everyone will agree with what we think but be open to the views of others whilst staying true to our own.

This is true diversity.

There will always be those people who take their own personal views to the extreme and seek to deliberately to give offence where perhaps in the past none would have been taken. These are the people that need to learn that views are personal and we need to allow others to have opinions of their own rather than those forced upon us.

BE that tolerant society.

Accept that everyone is different and that is what makes us unique. That is what makes us so diverse, so challenging and so interesting as people. Not everyone will agree with every opinion but it does not make anyone’s ideals any less valid than your own. One of the biggest dangers to this free world is bandwagonning. We run to jump aboard, whether we agree with what we are signing up for or not. Because we don’t want to be seen not to. We don’t want to be that person who doesn’t and by our very failure to conform, become the focus of the hatred and the backlash purported by the once so fantasised thought police.

Perhaps Orwell had some vision of the future that the rest of us had not. Perhaps he saw where society was heading if we did not cling more tightly to that which makes us individual.  Me, i prefer not to ride on the bandwagon but prefer to walk steadily at my own pace to the tune of my own marching band.

My name is Amanda and my thoughts are my own.

Life without filters

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January rolls to an end and hard work is finally paying off. My weight is going down again (yippeee!) and my lovely magician of a hair dresser gave me my perfect hair cut so skipping my way home i decided it was time for a life update. and.. yes you got it, the selfie!!

My timeline is full of selfies from my family and friends, bunny ears and doll like faces galore.  From time to time i’ve seen some so over edited as to be virtually unrecognisable as a person i know. I admit i hesitated before i took a few random shots to add mine to the list. Should i filter? I don’t usually but gee, i mean what girl doesn’t want to look good to the whole world? Especially when the years are rolling by and we’re not teenagers any more.  It doesn’t matter if it isn’t really me as long as i look good to everyone else.  I’m not so sure the bunny ears or teddy bear nose with airbrushed plastic looking faces are very me but maybe a teeny little edit? Just a little spot correction here and there to wipe out the wrinkles?

Then a virtual reality slap… Girl what are you thinking?!?! That look is just not you!

I rather like my wrinkles you see. I’m very lucky that i’m blessed with very few for my age. A few crinkles when i smile and a tiny frown line between my eyebrows which i guess is nothing too much to worry about. Every single one of those crinkles have been put there when i have laughed about something and the tiny creases between my eyes when maybe i’ve been sad or concentrating really hard. You never really realise but i guess your life really does show on your face after all.

I stared in the mirror thoughtfully poking under my eyes and pulling back my skin to see how i would look with a face lift. Better? No, i think perhaps for me i prefer how i am. I must have laughed more than cried over the years because those crinkles show the most. I may not look 20 on the outside but i like to think i’m 20 with 30 years of smiles and frowns added.

So i took my picture exactly as i am. Every single crinkle exactly as it was and i started to ponder over the life that put them all there. Imagine if life was as easy to edit as a selfie. Would we do it? Go ahead and filter all those bits of it that we didn’t like and leave only those things which made us look happier than we really are. A perfect life complete with airbrushed gloss to present an enviable face to the world. Erase a spot here and edit a spot there until we were happy it looked just how we wanted. It doesn’t matter that it is only veneer and the reality may be far less attractive right?

Perhaps the truth is that presenting the ideal life when yours is far from what it seems would actually make us less happy than we were before. Society expects a certain amount of false advertising in the timelines of who we are that leave us envious of everyone else and discontented with our own. We edit and we glamorize each vying to seem more interesting and more popular than someone else. Does it make our lives any better? No i guess not.

I’m going to stick to showing my wrinkles to the world. A life unedited and smiling as hard as i can to add yet another sign of life to my face. I’m going to frown a little, maybe even cry and all the while i’m doing this i’m going to be thankful for my totally unedited life.

Don’t forget to wipe your feet!!

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It’s been a long time since i blogged anything.

That’s not to say that my brain stopped thinking any less or that i didn’t have it in me to write, but i forgot how to be me. I guess that sounds stupid right? But i’m sure some of you will get what i mean.

Reality has a horrible way of crashing in when you really don’t expect it.

It started with the crying. Not the odd tear that trickles slowly down your face and drips off the end of you nose. No i’m talking real crying. The kind where you almost forget why you’re crying in the first place and it seems to be about everything. The kind of crying where you sob and sob until you almost want to throw up and yet still you can’t stop. It’s all bottled up you see, people like me we don’t cry. We’re strong, we’re warriors and we’re there for everyone else like some storm weathered rock that just keeps on standing. But even rock wears away eventually because the truth is we just forgot to be there for ourselves. Then we crumble.

The crying? It was all over a shoe. Yes, you heard right, a shoe.

As usual i was late, as usual i was tired and as usual everything hurt. i just couldn’t reach down far enough to tie that darned shoe and that was the start of it all. I screamed, i cried, i raged and i threw that hated shoe clean across the room. That day i went to work in trainers and i lied to my boss. I told her my shoe broke and i didn’t have time to get a new pair. I lied to myself and told myself the shoe broke. So i went and bought a new pair that didn’t have laces.

Now i guess at this point most people would have faced up to the fact that they couldn’t tie their shoe because their weight was stopping them from doing it. Weight that made it hard to bend down but that also made every joint hurt so that you literally cannot make natural movement. Most people would’ve faced up to the fact that this was also about more than just a shoe.

Not me.

I think perhaps i was so used to feeling so bad about myself, no matter what size i was, that this was just normal for me. I dismissed the pain in my knee as a sign of getting older, i ate donuts for lunch to make myself feel better and i pushed it way, way down back where it belonged. How ironic that the thing that is your biggest enemy should be the one thing that can make you feel better. Food. Food was my best friend of all. It didn’t judge, it didn’t let me down and it was always there when i needed it.

Day’s rolled by and i did what i do best. I smiled, i put myself out for others and i put everybody else before myself. Perhaps i’m losing some of you here, it’s hard to get you to understand what it’s like to be overweight, to have such a lifelong ingrained hatred for yourself that it turns you into somebody that you really aren’t. To a point where you focus your whole world on everything and everyone else just to avoid having to face up to the truth. You just hate yourself so badly that nothing and nobody can do anything to change it. A hatred that doesn’t go away with weight loss or makeup or a nice new outfit.

But you’d never know.

I’ve learned to hide it so well. I don’t want to seem weak, i don’t want to be an object of anyone’s pity. I don’t need any more negative validation that i already have right now. I do that just fine all by myself. If you know me i’m sure you’re very surprised by this. I hide it well don’t i? I’m sure you’d never guess.

You’ll never guess because I’ve learned to be outwardly everything i want to be inside. Happy, accepting,valued. You look desperately for some small sign of something from people in your life to make you feel like you really are worth something, yet all the while the overwhelming hatred burns away in the back of your brain. So you lose yourself in other peoples lives, overcompensating for everything that is lacking in your own. All the while you just want somebody to say ‘Hey, let me help you carry that for a while, lean on me, together we got this’

I call myself names you know. I look in the mirror and hiss ‘stupid fat ugly cow’ at myself several times a day. Just in case i forget to remember.

But life has changed a little lately. I found out the hard way that in the end you just have to be there for yourself. The only person that is going to help you pick yourself up from the floor is you. So i’m trying. I’m working so hard on fixing all of the things that i see wrong with me and trying to be somebody i can accept even if that person is somebody i will never love. I’m trying hard to look in the mirror and accept that i’m really an okay person. I can’t promise that i will ever be happy but at least i can be sure that the only thing looking back at me from the mirror is me.

It’s not about the weight loss. It’s not even really about the shoe. It’s about being able to crumble when you need to and accept that it’s okay not to be okay. It’s about not hiding behind excuses and about learning to be happy with who you are. It’s about not always having to be strong.

Life is actually horrifyingly short. You don’t get a do over, there is no rewind button or collect $200 and go back to the start. You just have to do the best you can with what you have and learn to value the important things and learn from your mistakes. Me, i’m on a journey. A journey to learn to like myself and to learn to accept help when it’s given. I’m learning that nobody can be really that strong if the foundations are weak and i need to build on that. I’m learning that it’s okay to let somebody else help you to carry your burden.

Best of all i can tie my shoelaces again. I walk around grinning like an idiot because i can feel my jeans falling down and i know that i can get where i’m going. So if one day you see a slightly overweight girl hitching up her jeans, don’t judge, just laugh with her and help her feel good about her goals.

Maybe one day i’ll feel beautiful.

Maybe.

The Wheels on the bus

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Call me crazy but i am one of those strange people who never learned to drive. When younger i had neither opportunity nor funding and now i am older i find i lack both time and inclination. Work commute used to be a car share with a local friend but i find i like the walk with my ipod and whilst the bus ride itself is a bit of an event, i find i have grown very accustomed to the ritual.

The Bus.

Passengers vary according to the time of day that you board. Pre 9am you will find those heading to work like myself but mostly of the student variety, row after row of darkly clad teens pulling hair around their acne clad faces, giggling loudly and all logged into some smart phone which they message each other on rather than talk. A pervading odour of musty not quite dried clothes emanates from their direction and they sit in twos or on the outside of the seat in order that you might not sit by them. Sometimes in some act of devilment i will deliberately sit down next to one if they leave an unoccupied space and watch the horror as it dawns that a grown up has invaded the ‘cool’ spot.

Cast your eyes towards the back and row after row of people seated alone. Nobody wants to be seated next to anyone else and bags and briefcases galore occupy the space next to each one of them. A woman near the front hides behind an upheld newspaper as though trying to pretend she does not have to take the bus at all.

”You’ve changed your hair” the bus driver says to me as i board. I like to think i keep up with the times and board with a clever little app on my phone. I try not to roll my eyes when held up as those not so up to date climb on and ask for a ticket. ” it’s nice” the driver adds, ”it suits you”  I smile and thank him whilst swiftly scanning for a seat. Most drivers are nice and will wait for you to be seated before pulling away but some just dont care and will drive off sharply sending you hurtling into the lap of some poor unfortunate who happens to be nearby.

Rattling and bumping down the road we skirt the edges of the lake. It is not really a lake but a water filled minehole which doesnt really sound so glamorous so we call it ‘the lake’. Drivers often dont slow down  around here and hurtle around the winding track, which by the way has little in the way of barrier between water and road.

”Please don’t kill me, please dont kill me” i mutter silently to myself, convinced that one day we will neglect to negotiate the turn and instead sail headlong into the murky depths. I confess i have planned every possible escape route and always sit as near to the ‘break glass’ window as possible. Images of newspapers sporting the headline ”Bus crashes into Lake that isnt really a Lake” batter my brain and i admit even sensible me is terrified of the jolting race around the gloomy bleakness beside us. Not even the appearance of a solitary duck swimming steadily across it can calm my overactive mind.

Board the bus an hour later and it’s passengers change entirely. Students replaced by row after row of blue tinted bubble perms all clutching plastic shopping trolleys and sporting a uniform of stay pressed trousers that have argued with their ankles. Far from silent the bus rings with a crescendo of voices all competing to tell the first unheard bit of gossip. By the time I reach my destination I know all about what Enid did at the weekend and oooh did you hear about Betty? Apparently fish is on offer at the local supermarket too.

Yes the bus is definitely an event in itself and i hold my breath as an over friendly lady with a strong smell of wet dog seats herself beside me and attempts to start up a conversation. But it is here I find I must leave you for the lake looms eerily on the horizon and I find I need both hands to hold on and pray that the wheels on the bus keep going round…….and round.

I don’t like Mondays

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Sunday evening and the last vestiges of a gloriously sunny weekend disappear below the horizon signalling an end to relaxation and fun.  I try to avoid looking at the clock on Sunday evenings and no matter how tired i get i refuse to go to bed as though doing so will halt the death knell march of an impending Monday.  I am confident that i am far from alone in my loathing of the first day of the week although i find myself amused that it is only this particular day i have such distaste for.  Tuesday, for the most part, is much the same as Monday, yet  strangely i find i do not mind a Tuesday so much.

Casting back to younger years and Sunday night would ring to the shouts of ”Get in the bath, you’ve got school tomorrow”  Back to the present and i still find myself following the same ritual as though i never had a bath at any other time. I must hasten to add that i am very clean and actually bathe every day, yet never on a Monday evening would i say ”I’ve got to have a bath, I’ve got work tomorrow”

No there’s just something about an advancing Mondays that seems to hold such importance, enough to taint the evening before.

Tomorrow morning, as always, a very tired me will grope blearily for an unwelcome alarm, emerging looking for all the world like a disgruntled hedgehog. Snooze button on repeat as my sleep deprived brain tries desperately to cling to the last fog of sleep. ‘In a minute’ is my favorite saying on a Monday morning, invariably leading to my being dreadfully late and rushing for the bus to the sounds of the fastest beat song i can find on my ipod. If it is a good morning i may have actually buttoned my shirt up straight.

I just hate Mondays. I cannot decide if it is merely having to do something not of my choosing that makes me hate it so or whether it is the whole total groundhog week that makes it so unwelcome. Perhaps it is the lazy side of me that resents the ritual of a work day, being held to account through every minute of the day and only returning when it is too late to find time for myself. Monday heralds forced company rather than sought and uniform as a pose to comfy jeans and personality reflecting clothing.

Darkness is falling now and i stifle a yawn, trying desperately to pretend that the evening is not advancing at a furious pace. How odd that a Sunday seems to go by far faster than any other day of the week. Whilst i am well aware that it is merely my perception of time i cannot help but imagine Father Time in some act of devilment, gleefully putting my Sunday on fast forward. Oh for an extra few hours, some little bit of extra time to hold the evening at bay, a chance to rewind and luxuriate in the remnants of a day to myself.

Reality bites as a glance to my right sees uniform hanging ready for tomorrow.  I fear if i yawn much harder my mouth will stay permanently open.

Sunday marches on and no matter my distaste of Mondays it’s clear i have little say in the matter. Uniform and running for the bus to the strains of Linkin Park it is then.

Sweet dreams all.

 

 

Love is not love….

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Love.

There’s no getting away from it.  It really is all around, everywhere you look and a subject more often talked about than most. We all want love yet ask anyone to describe what it is and why they want it and you will get so many replies as to leave you confused.

I have to admit as a young child i was very much of the happily ever after brigade. Brought up on tales of princes and princesses and happily ever after. Truly believing that one day my eyes would meet those of the man i was destined to be with and he would sweep me off my feet, just like in the movies. Beating hearts and breathlessness and a passion leading you to want to be together forever. How rude an awakening when i found that life really isn’t like that at all.

Love, i have decided, is very like any other addiction. There is the initial excitement, loss of inhibition and the buzz that comes with any new drug. A newly discovered euphoria leaves you craving more and slowly the addiction takes hold. Love takes over, blurring the fringes of your reality until it is all you can think about. How much better your life seems with a dose of love to boost you along. You cannot deny that there are those fortunate enough to sail on this happy tide for the whole of their lives never knowing the ill effects that often creep in over time. For others the toxic effects begin to take hold and yet still you continue even knowing that this is bad for you. Addiction is hard to let go of and so often we cling to its safe familiarity. Better to be in bad love than not in love at all right?

Wrong!

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Recently i have been talking to a friend about the breakdown of her relationship and whilst i should never divulge the confidences of another, safe it to say that i puzzled greatly over the reasons for its sad demise.

Change. Or rather refusal to accept any change which comes along. I have to admit i pondered a long time over this. My own relationship, whilst being far from the fairy tales of my childhood, is a very good one simply because i had been willing to compromise my expectations. My partner will be the first to admit he is not the flowery, gushy demonstrative type and perhaps he would not be the man for any woman seeking open and obvious affection such as my friend. But i find our relationship has a solid foundation and affection comes in an endearing way unique to only him. I think if perhaps i were less sure about myself and our relationship i should be unsettled by what may seem  to others an unloving man. Yet to me in all my familiarity of him, i find him affectionate and loving in a way nobody else can see. Hard won but worth it when it appears.

I tried to explain this to my friend. People change but sometimes we have to change with them and relationships cannot always stay the same. Just because love settles into a familar comfortableness does not mean that it is no longer love. Very like a new pair of shoes, all shiny and taking time to break in,  but once done so they settle and mould into a comfortable fit. Well worn and often much loved but different from the new shoes you first bought.

My friend just cannot accept the changes in their relationship and has chosen to end this since it does not meet the idea that she has of how it should be. I feel sad for her that the love she has is no longer the love she wants and perhaps she is right not to compromise her expectations. I asked her if she loved her partner and she said yes but he’s not like he used to be. Perhaps, i pointed out gently, you are in love with who he was and not who he is now.

We are very different she and i and whilst i should find it hard to let go of love for the sake of change i cannot fault her for doing so. I find i am with Shakespeare when i say…

”Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds”

I find i myself have changed a lot over the years, very different from the girl i was in my younger years. I have had my share of that sweeping all encompassing love and found that it did not end well. It is not to say that i should never be open to that kind of feelings again but i find now i have learned to expect differently from before. Perhaps age has made me less idealistic or perhaps i have simply learned to heed the lessons of experience and compromise where once i should demand.

Love.

You cant always live with it but it seems we definitely cannot live without it. I think all any of us can hope for is someone to notice when we are not around. Someone to care and to love us  in whatever way they can and perhaps if for some this is not as bright and shiny as for others then no matter. We all want to feel loved and wanted and id like to hope that for most we find what we are looking for.

Sometimes you just need to look that little bit more closely.

 

 

 

Who’s that girl?

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People change. We bend, we move, we alter with time. Buffed and worn with the experiences of life, how few of us can say we are still who we used to be. Life has a way of altering who we are, without us ever even noticing, until one day we look back and find ourselves so changed as to almost be a different person.

I know i have.

I admit to being by nature quite insular. Not that anyone would notice for i have become quite adept at giving all the appearance of someone quite the opposite, being open ,warm and friendly in public. Partly due to my job i admit but also due to the fact i find society  clearly expects me to be this way, an automated response in the presence of someone else.  I live in a world of extroverts who like nothing better than to spend vast amounts of time with each other whilst, introvert that i am, i just want to retreat to a place and persons of my choosing. In social situations i still want to be invited to whatever events and get togethers that are planned by my peers but i want to be accepted for the fact i will rarely attend.

Perhaps i am an alien. I often wonder if my body was taken over by some other being so stealthily that i never even noticed. Looking back down the years i regretfully admit i have changed in myself perhaps more than is usual for anyone to do. Gone is the extrovert, friend loving me with a head full of dreams and a whimsical wish to meet prince charming and be wed. Happily ever after turned into happily never at all. Whilst i admit to being much more of a realist than ever i was before, i still find buried remnants of the person i used to be. Yet cynicism clouds my reality, not in a way as to make me grim and dour but certainly enough to change my expectations from life.

”Do you Amanda take……..to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

Yes once that was me. Even after one bad experience i still clung hopefully to the thought that prince charming was out there. Waited, confident that any day soon i’d be swept off my feet, that all the storms in my ocean had been worth the weathering and for a while i was. But somehow fate decided that shipwrecks and sinking were on the cards for me until one day my  battered little boat was bobbing the horizons alone. I determined, however, that i should be the kind of person to never carry my baggage along with me.Weighing me down as i plodded my way doggedly through life, smiling despite it all. Yet for all my determination i find perhaps i carried more with me than i realised, coloured by lies and mistrust into a person who suddenly didn’t need anyone. Strong, independent and solitary yet in contrast still upbeat in spirit.

So there you have me. Independent, strong minded and decidedly cynical with a touch of ironic and at times self deprecating humour. I do not like to need people, a fact which has frustrated male friends and partners alike.  Men i have found in general like to feel needed and i admit i have a touch of this myself, yet i find myself unable to need in return.  I am careful to surround myself with those people i want to have around me but i am careful not to let myself need them.

Needed but not needy.

Yet over all this a gilding that makes me acceptable to society. I’m branded a nice girl, helpful, kind and thoughtful and for the most part i am. But hidden beneath is whats really left of the sum total of my years. However hard we try we cannot escape some elements of life experience that we shall always carry with us.  Miserly with trust my circle is small in some unconscious  attempt at self preservation.  Perhaps life will change me some time in the future, perhaps i shall not always be as i am or perhaps this is how i am destined always to be.

Turning my attention back to the screen i wistfully sigh as Jane Austen’s Emma comes to a tearful realisation that she does indeed love Mr Knightly and i muse upon the fact that perhaps all is not lost of me after all. However unwanted i still seem to have that softness inside that keeps me human.

People change. We bend, we move, we alter with time. Buffed and worn with the experiences of life yet perhaps more of this is under our control than we realise. Trust may not always be as misplaced as sometimes it may seem and damaged inflicted over turbulent years can often be repaired leaving the way clear to finding ourselves again.

I know i’ve changed. Have you?

 

 

Don’t speak, i know what youre thinking.

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‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.’

How many times have you said that rhyme to yourself or to another in the face of unpleasant criticism. Words have power, there’s no doubt about it and used in the wrong way can cause a damage that nobody else may see.

Trust me i know.

I’ve always been someone who considers my words before i say them but i’m also a big believer in telling the truth when it’s needed.   Words once said cannot be taken back and even the simplest slip of the tongue may never be forgotten. I paused as i wrote that and let a few verbal demons ping pong around my brain before i squash them down to concentrate. I long ago learned never to speak in anger for these can be the harshest words of all, choosing instead to stay silent until i am calm. A fact i know has frustrated more than one person in the past.

Yes you need to be so careful when choosing to vocalise those thoughts that pop into your head unbidden. Pause for a moment to consider how you should like to hear those very words said to you. Realise that once spoken these cannot be taken back.

Lately though i begin to wonder if society has made us afraid to say anything at all. How many times have you hesitated before speaking even though you know that telling the truth is the best thing to do? Hesitated because you don’t want to seem harsh or have others think badly of you for doing so. Sometimes you smile and bite your tongue and pretend that everything is okay, even though you know deep down it really isn’t but you’re too afraid to say so.  Words hurt but sometimes lack of words can hurt even more.

Today i hesitated. I automatically clicked to comment on a post i saw on Facebook. Nothing nasty or unkind but maybe a little more honest and blunt than would be well received. So i hesitated. Lingered, torn between my instinct to tell the truth and the realisation that the truth is not always well liked. So i bowed to the cotton wool society of today and deleted what i wrote, leaving the sugar coaters to write what would be deemed acceptable.

I caved. I folded. I bit my tongue and conformed to societies modern rules. I know that the person i was replying to would be all the better for hearing the truth but that isn’t how we do things any more. We lie and we avoid the confrontation as though that in itself can change everything.

We gloss, we glitter and pink sparkle everything until the world is fluffy and right. We bury our heads and choose to ignore that which may hurt even if in the long run we are hurt even more by it’s absence. For myself i think i would always choose truth. Words hurt but i would always rather know the reality of any situation that skip around blindly in ignorance. Sometimes i think back to the times i have said to somebody ‘WHY?’ , only to be told the age old reply ‘I didn’t want to hurt you’.  Its funny how many times i look back and find that for as many times there have been words that have hurt, there have been others where saying nothing hurts more. It always does in the end.

Words are powerful. Words can wound and heal, strengthen and weaken, lie and tell the truth. Perhaps it’s time to use them and stand up for good old freedom of speech, be honest but be careful with that honesty and learn a different way to be able to speak our minds.

Maybe i will post my opinion after all.

If it makes you Happy!!

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Ah if only life was so simple!!

6.30am and Sheryl Crowe is ringing in my ears while I do my best to rather tunelessly keep up with the song.

”If it makes you happy..it can’t be that baaaaaaaaad, if it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad” I screech merrily whilst the coffee machine buzzes in the background. The cat looks at me in disgust before wandering off to sit by the door, awaiting freedom for a mere 5 minutes before she suddenly decides that she doesn’t want to be out there after all.

If it makes you happy.

I have to wonder why life is so complicated. You never think it is as you go about your daily grind but the truth is we’re mostly programmed to do things that we really don’t want to. We groan loudly on a Monday morning as we haul our protesting bodies into clothes that we would never usually wear, before leaving on a commute that we should never undertake if we didn’t have to. Work. Really, would anyone ever go if they really had a choice?

Of course not.

We’re programmed you see, nice obedient little robots, trained to do the expected and brainwashed enough to consider consequences should we fail to do so. But does it make you happy? What if one day you just woke up and said ”I don’t want to do that today, or that, or that”

Well I guess for one you’d get the sack and starve is the answer. Then there’s the guilt. That little voice inside your head that pokes and prods, reminding you of what you should be doing. Intruding on any attempts to do anything at all that you’re not pre- loaded to do. Sometimes I imagine in my head what it would be like to just say no every time I had to do something I didn’t want to. A day in my life where I refused to go to work, where I avoided the bus and wore clothes that I knew I really shouldn’t be wearing that day. One day to not do what is expected of you but instead to rebel and do exactly as you pleased. No no NO!

BUT THAT’S WHAT WEEKENDS ARE FOR!!

Somebody said this to me once and I remember raising my eyebrows and saying ‘Really?’ Am I the only one that spends a weekend rushing around juggling washing and cleaning whilst trying to fit in a trip to the dreaded supermarket? Sunday afternoons spent in exhaustion staring zombie like at the TV because I haven’t the energy to do any more. Weekend PAH!! Somewhere in all this chaos you need to find time to have a relationship which, trust me, can be challenging at times.  I envy those people who make it all look so easy. So balanced that they spend the weekend eating out and planting pretty flowers in the garden.  A decaying Jasmine plant lurks by my front door giving testament to the fact that I am definitely not one of those people.

I guess I just have to find a balance. My options to either wait until I retire ( currently around the age of you’ll be too old to enjoy it) or I need to land myself a lottery win and pay someone to do all the things that I don’t want to.

If it makes you happy..it can’t be that bad.

But it is!!  Honestly!

Do more of what makes you happy. Life is for living. Live for the moment.

All those ra ra ra quotes that appear in google when I type in the word happy.  None of these tell me how to get somebody to go to work and clean the house for me whilst I go and sit on top of a hill reading a book! Time intrudes in the form of the most annoying alarm tone in the world. My brain whirrs into ‘you have to go to work’ mode and automaton that I am I’m already mentally laying out my uniform.  Careful makeup to hide the sleep deprived bags under my eyes. Chewing mindlessly on, well I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast. Suddenly the cat decides that actually she does want to be outside after all.

Car horns toot, rain drizzles steadily and the bus is late as usual.

If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.  Does not compute, does not compute.

 

Into thin air

gone

 

Sometimes i wonder what it would be like to disappear. Not in a magical sense where i vanish in a puff of smoke to goodness knows where, but really disappear from life in general. Suddenly just to drop everything and keep on walking without ever looking back, shedding responsibilities like layers of oversized clothing, each step making me lighter as i get further and further away.

Ah responsibilities, the bane of every persons life. Those persistent blighters that keep us running like rats on a wheel, getting nowhere yet not knowing what else to do but run. Strange how akin to a rat i have felt of late,working, eating , sleeping and running ,running, running on my wheel. Eyes firmly focused on the bars as if i could reach them if i ran hard enough. Hope trained firmly on the space beyond waiting for some monotony breaking piece of cheese to dangle on the outside. Run ,run ,run…keep on running.

There has to be more to life than this, oh that eternal cry of the overworked and underlived and surely i expect there must be if i only had the time. Tick tock, i’m late, i’m late. A white rabbit skips around in my mind relentlessly urging haste that i have somewhere to be. Responsibility again, stabbing endlessly whenever i should pause to take a minute. No time No TIME!! You have to go. Keep on running, run run run.

Oh to be able to just walk away. Just to find space to exist outside my own head and my own life. To be me but not to be me in any encumbering, self shackled way. To spread my arms wide and gaze up at the sky and just BREATHE.

Responsibility again and this time it has brought a friend. Each have an arm and pull me in opposite directions. You need to do this, you need to do this, no time no time like some distorted mantra in my brain. No time, no time, who are you anyway?

Sometimes i wish i could just disappear.

You hear it all of the time in the media, people just vanish, never to be seen again. How strong the yearing for freedom, for some flicker of differentiality to the never ending tedium and sheer encompassing exhaustion that is my life. Oh to be able to sleep until i am not tired any more, to walk at a pace that is not a run. To look around instead of rushing blinkered headlong through the day. Stress begone and leave me to my day.

Sometimes i wish i could just disappear….. and i could, couldnt I?

 

Blowing out the candle.

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I’ve grudgingly decided that I think too much. Generally I mean.

Not in any way specific to one particular topic but my mind in general wanders and then I think. A lot. I overthink and I obsess. Then I think some more.

Today I was reluctantly babysitting the remnants of some international flu virus whilst dragging my protesting body around the house, trying to raise some semblance of order to its mildly neglected state. I like everything just so and often cast loving glances around my belongings, drinking in the feeling of home they give me. Today, however, my mind started to wander to the realms of mortality and I began to imagine what on earth would happen to all of this if there were no me to need it. I blame it entirely on Doctor G you see. My son is horrified that I avidly watch TV shows about autopsies..”even while you’re eating! YUK!!!”  For my own part I find it tragically fascinating, although it does make one extremely aware of how limited an existence we can have.

Around the room my glance went as my overactive brain stripped away everything that was me. Footsteps in an empty room before a voice says ”Last tenant passed away, rather tragic it was too”   NO!! Snatching up a teddy bear I hugged it comfortingly before assuring it I wouldn’t abandon it any time soon. Of course then I HAD to think about it for it was stuck in my brain and would not be quiet no matter how hard I tried to make it. I wonder just how long I DO have left? Oh, what if I should get run over by a bus tomorrow, should I write letters, for everyone might think I didn’t ever love them! Those that I didn’t might think that I do and that’s even worse!! What about the cat??

As I said I think too much. But on a serious side I couldn’t help but wonder how easily our lives are discarded and packed away like it never existed at all. Belongings that we so carefully hoard over many a year vanish leaving no trace of our personality behind. Those of us lucky enough to leave someone to mourn us eventually fade to a few photographs and disjointed memories before evaporating into nonexistence like we had never been. Cherished items mouldering in some back street charity shop, forgotten and unwanted.

Perhaps it is something that comes with age. Never before did I think about dying or not being here, yet all too often recently I am aware of how every year is a bonus. I think it would be arrogant of me to assume that I should get to live out as many years as I would like. Yes, if I am honest , I am a little afraid. Not of dying, but of dying before I am ready to go. So many places I want to go and so many things I want to do. I wonder if fate will give me the time I feel that I need. I wonder if I shall leave someone behind to care that I am gone.

Sometimes lately I feel afraid to go to sleep, terrified that this may be the last time I close my eyes. So irrational a fear yet so few of us get warning and I should not want to close my eyes so early for the final time. Yet I am so very aware that if this the case I should never even know that this was the end. I would not be here to know that I did not wake up.  Blown out like the flame on a candle.

I wish I could choose a point in time and say ”That’s it. That’s when I want to go”. Be able to live free of the worry that my time might be shorter than I’d like. Sadly it just doesn’t work that way. So each night I close my eyes and fight the temptation to try and stay awake and pray as hard as I can that I get to open my eyes in the morning just the same as I did yesterday.

 

 

The Year of the Panda

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So its new years and apparently time for positive resolutions. Well im not a new year fan and dont make resolutions but these are the things i AM positive about…
1) I was a fat cow last year and yup im still a fat cow just with more chocolate. Thankfully this will always keep me safe…fat people are so much harder to kidnap.
2) I’m going to spend the whole year trying NOT to be a fat cow whilst resisting the urge to chew off my own leg.
3) I may get halfway skinny….for a while anyway. I will blame my failure on a mid life system error.
4) I will hate people. I hated them last year and yup still will not be feeling the love. Really people are just SO annoying.
5) If i love or like you then you’re privileged…i don’t like many people.
6) I will constantly be in a rush. To work..home from work and whilst i’m at work. This wont change. Multitasking is the centre of my universe.
7) I will spend every payday hugging my bank card for a whole hour before it all bleeds out of my account at a terminal rate. There is no cure…it cannot be saved. Funds are being set aside for its eventual funeral.
8) i will still get annoyed at the cat..even when the cat has done nothing wrong. It’s always the cats fault. Even the cat agrees with this.
9) i will spend the whole year doing DIY convinced that one day i’ll be happy my house is ‘finished’ . This will never happen. I am a residential magpie.
10) i will love being ME… grumps, grouches, mad moments, soft heart and strange sense of humour me. I will be my very own version of Alice and i will live in a very odd world of my own. I will never change not for anyone. 🐼😘

Too late

Appreciatewhatyouhave

Traditionally on cue the January depression sets in and in the wake of blue Monday i cannot help but notice in my social media circles the downward spiral into negativity. People try to buoy their mood with a never ending stream of positivity quotes that seem to have little effect but at least feel like a step in the right direction. I  myself have never been the type to publish my personal life upon these platforms for all of the world to see and scrutinise but many, it seems, have little or no qualms about doing so. Breakups , arguments and deaths, marriages and births all displayed in eternal glory upon the ever scrolling page of that Social media book we call life. Yet it seems of late these have all been of a less than happy bent as the stream of status’  upon my page become daily less and less of a upbeat nature. 

I have to admit that ,whilst i should not like my own sedate little life open to public scrutiny, i often have had to smother a giggle at the less than discreet antics of those of my acquaintance. Perhaps accessing social media whilst intoxicated or angry isn’t always the best idea as i have been witness to many an ‘oh no’ moment as the newly sober  or calm discover with horror their  public announcements and cringeworthy ‘selfies’ . It seems that many have no qualms about laying open their whole world to the very public gaze of the world at large and i find i often get to know more about some people  by accident than i should otherwise choose by design. Whilst i publicly acknowledge i have a partner and have occasionally published the odd photograph of us together, i should never wish to share the personal details of my relationship with the world at large. Yet most it seems are happy to share their oevery thought deed and word with all who should care to see.

Sad often though when these announcements  that pass my cursory glance are of loss or regret and today the postings of an acquaintance led me to ponder anew our personal relationships. People break up. It is a fact of life that those who were once so compatible and enamoured of each other can, for various reasons, experience a total about face of those all consuming feelings. But why? What happens to change two people so much beyond recognition that it totally obliterates everything that came before. After watching and reading for a very long time it seems there is a long recurring theme that seems present in most if not all of these situations.

We forget to appreciate what we have. 

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‘If only’  ,   ‘Why didn’t I?’,  ‘  I should have ‘,  ‘I wish I could turn the clock back’

Sound familiar?

I expect it is a rare one of us who hasn’t uttered one of those immortal phrases at some point in their lives, i know i certainly have. Idly daydreaming and pondering the lady in question’s postings this morning i recalled a quote I had seen recently that stated 

You are never more in love with someone than at that moment you realise you have lost them.

Sad but true for the most part. Perhaps it is just that in the daily grind of our lives we forget to remember what it was that made us form these relationships in the first place and in turn appreciate them for that very reason. I myself have had past experience of this more than once and I recall a long distant relationship ending on particularly heartbreaking terms as my then partner tried in vain to hold on to the tatters of the dying relationship. It is so very hard to listen to someone promise to change and beg for yet another chance but sometimes things have just gone so far as to be past saving. 

”It’s too late” i had stated firmly at the time, determined not to crumble as usual and give in. The painfully sad part is that it actually was and yet for the lack of effort and appreciation it need not have been so. 

Perhaps i should be flattered that i will always be somebody’s regret. Wouldn’t we all secretly like to think that we are? Perhaps that lady’s partner should also feel the same but instead of feeling flattered  the truth is you cannot help but just feel a little sad. Sad that for lack of effort and a little appreciation for what you have, a good relationship should disappear down the waste disposal of life, never to be seen again. I cannot help but feel for the lady in question as i read the endless messages she publicly posts for the man she is losing. Pride it seems is nowhere in sight as she figures she has little to lose since she has already lost everything she never knew she wanted. Perhaps he will relent and realise himself that what they had is worth more than he at first thought, or perhaps it is again just another classic case of ‘just  too little too late’.

                        watering_own_grass

Life will never change the way it is. People live, people die. Relationships are formed and relationships will end. Such has always been the way of the world. But perhaps where life cannot change, we infact can. Instead of letting things fall by the wayside perhaps we stop and consider the fact that in our endless search for all we ever wanted we may actually have some of it already. You may never be more in love than when you have lost that someone but does it actually take a breakup to realise it? I often  laugh at the memory of an old friend’s view on relationships.He likened it to an old comfortable pair of slippers. It is so easy to be tempted by a pretty new pair but it is only after purchase that you realise the new pair does not suit you at all and you wish you had back the old ones.

”They’re broken in you see and you get attached to them” he explained sheepishly 

Perhaps its just a male explanation but i get what he was trying to say. Sadly another post has appeared in my eyeline and it seems for the time being the lady is not meeting with any success and i cannot help but feel sad for her and yet also for him. Perhaps being the comfortable pair of old slippers isn’t so bad but feeling like them clearly is. 

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In the shadow of Heathrow

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Right on cue the air screams with the vibrations of a timely plane as it passes overhead, seemingly close enough to reach out and touch. This is Heathrow, one of the busiest airports in the world and arrivals and departures number in the seconds not in the minutes. Believe it or not you do tune it out to some degree but the sight of the giant metal Avians littering the sky is a familiar one and one you expect of a bustling city like London. Being somewhat of a country bumpkin myself i nevertheless feel very at home in my city second home and thrill in the vibrant diversity of it all. The hustle and bustle feels very compact and crammed in , with every available space untilised to the maximum and hardly a green space to be seen unless it be of the grass verge variety. Or so i thought.

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Following a maze of urban streets you step through the gates of a city park and are instantly transported to rural heaven. Along winding tree lined avenues, following the wild overgrowth of the River Crane, you would believe yourself to be in the heart of the British countryside and not infact in the depths of the largest city in England. Butterflies wheel and spin, vying for airspace as they dance their fluttering dance across the heat shimmering sky. The air of silence is oddly shattered by the alternating sounds of the overhead jet engines interspersed with the raucous cries of squabbling magpies. Crossing an elderly bridge to gaze down at rippling water and contemplate a game of ‘Pooh Sticks’ before turning a corner and stepping back in time.

St Dunstans church nestles serenely in a sunlit corner of the park showing visible signs of age yet none the less impressive for all that. Splitting wood and age worn gravestones announce proudly that this elderly house of god has been there for many more years than you and i could contemplate.

”Come inside” it smiles invitingly, like some beneign old grandfather welcoming you around for tea. Who are we to refuse and we walk carefully around the grounds interestedly peering at those gravestones visible enough to still be read. Yes old it is and the gravestones lay testament to its age. Who were you we wonder as we pause by first one and then many more of the higgley piggledy scattering of stones. Serene and welcoming and cause indeed to linger a while before continuing on our way.

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Much of a surprise then to round a corner and see undeveloped land as far as the eye can see. The alien bulk of a distant control tower the only blight on the otherwise rural looking landscape. Golden fields ripple in the gentle breeze leading to enticing looking tunnels of trees and yet more green and golden expanse. A flash to the right as a little grey body makes a dash for cover, white fluffy tail bouncing madly as it makes a bid for safety.

Bunnies!!

Yet another and then two more as they pause to consider our motives before either fleeing or dismissing us of no consequence and remaining as they were. We briefly halt our progress and tarry a moment to consider them as they in turn watch us a little warily but do not flee. Another is not so bold and dashes for the safety of a large patch of undergrowth yet perhaps it was not us who sent him there as a large magpie hops madly around upon the path infront of us. Just about to perform my usual superstitious salute i spot another and lower my arm in relief. The area is almost deserted compared to the overpopulated urban madness not a stones throw away, yet here it is peaceful and only the odd passing stranger indicates that we are not totally alone. Along the river we wander before out into the wide golden wilderness we step once more. Some thoughtful soul has cut a wonderful path of crossroads within the expanse and some time is spent wandering first one way and then another , randomly taking first one turning and then a  second. The bunnies give way to a lone kestrel soaring in the evening sky, clearly it is time for dinner and we are too far away to disturb his efforts and so he pays us no heed. Look another and yet another and still one more! Six we count in all and they swoop and soar in the warm evening air first gliding landwards before flapping madly to hold in some advantageous position. Glorious they are and so many is a sight to see but secretly i pray ‘dont catch a bunny, oh PLEASE don’t catch a bunny! ‘
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Again the raucous call of a bullying magpie as a tag team of the embullient avians lay chase to an unfortunate Kestrel. Clearly laying ownership to a small tree they are having none of the poor Kestrels attempts to gain perch there for some small moment of time. Two against one is no match and in defeat he wheels away to seemingly float upon the night sky with his bretheren. Pause for a ‘selfie’ for posterity and then it is time to let those jet engines intrude once more as the rural hideaway fades and urban life encroaches once more. How magical to find such a place so hidden from view in a most unexpected place and one i hope i shall visit again sometime in the future.

Typically bridget

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We’ve all seen the movie right? The wonderfully hapless Bridget Jones drowning her sorrrows in a tub of Ben and Jerry’s whilst sporting the latest fashion in duvets. What is it about us women that immediately makes us dive for consolation in the form of something sinfully gooey in quantities we’d normally cringe at the thought of. I wonder why we’re so predictably cliched to the point that they even make movies about us highlighting our more obvious behaviour.

Guily *hand up*

Going through a painful breakup myself i shamefully admit i have become essentially Bridget although my Ben and Jerry’s is more of the M&Ms variety and far from wailing all by myself in a tastefully messy bedroom i have instead resorted to crime drama and moving furniture and sniffling over breakup songs on youtube. What can i say i like having control over something right now even if it is just the current days position of the sofa.
Why do we do it? I mean never yet have i seen a single movie where some dejected guy is welded dolefully to his bed whilst putting himself on the outside of a three gallon tub of ice cream. No, in movies men go out and get a new girlfriend whilst little miss slightly tubby has a minor breakdown and murders every break up song ever heard before sobbing hysterically that nobody will ever love her. Hmmmm not a good stereotype really i think. Yet that is exactly what we women do.

Then true to form being as predictable as we are we then launch head first into reinventing ourselves in a bid to ‘fix’ all of the things that are wrong with us. You wouldn’t be single if you were prettier, thinner, blonder, taller etc etc so partly in a guilty bid to rid ourselves of the results of our gastronomic decline we haul our spare tyre into the gym, buy endless new outfits (in a size smaller of course) and embark on a whole new look. Again hand up for i am guilty of all of those and confess to spending 20 minutes leaping about like a nutcase trying to squeeze into size 8 jeans.Perfect, exactly one size too small, something to aim for!! Horrified i had only realised just how womanly predictable i was when a friend sent me an article about the 7 things not to do after a break up. Oh dear well i’ve already done four of those only 3 left to go OOPS!! Who am i to disappoint??

Much later wailing along to all by myself along with Bridget on dvd i suddenly had a fit of the giggles as i realised that in the space of just one week i have, minus the cigarettes and alcohol, become Bridget Jones, spinster. Oh dear. Still you can’t help but love her no matter how hapless she is and i live in hope that far from finding me miserable and grumpy, those who know me will decide i’m adorable and indeed very’Bridget’
I couldn’t help but wonder as an aside just how many tubs of Ben and jerrys are purchased to be consumed in a non emotional moment and whether the company would actually go out of business should we women all cease to become such emotional puddles of unconsolable depression.
Still there is a lot to be said for reinventing oneself and may i be forgiven if i cannot raise my hand a third time,the gym definitely has a lot to answer for. Perhaps it is no bad thing to effect a change after all, perhaps the new me may be far better than the old and i have to admit i do rather like being a blonde again even if it is on the No No list of ‘after a breakup’
Perhaps i am more predicatably female than i ever imagined, perhaps we all are yet strangely i do not feel offended for once at the thought of being like everyone else. Duvets have their place and time in life as does Ben and Jerrys as Bridget and i both agree. Still on to number 5 on my list and time to fit into those jeans.
Better to be typically Bridget.

Who am i

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Recently i was looking at an old black and white photograph online of a smiling lady from around the 1940’s era. As i stared at it i wondered who she was. What did she do, who did she love and what did she think about. I couldn’t help but wonder if one day, long after i am gone, someone would stumble across a photograph of me and wonder the very same.

Nobody knows me totally you see. There are some things i just never tell anyone. Not because i dont have a someone to tell them to but mostly because i don’t like to admit some things to people and mostly because i dont like to wear a negative persona and bore people. I talk on here quite a lot and i guess i let a lot slip through my thoughts and little anecdotes but i never really confess some of the things i really think and feel.

 

Until now.

What do you see when you look at a picture of me? I look happy right? I’ve mastered the art of looking perfectly smiley in every photograph yet would you be surprised to know i loathe photographs of myself so much that i have to take dozens before i will allow one to be seen. My boyfriend despairs, he has long ceased to try and surprise me with a camera since he knows i will hate every shot and beg him to delete them. I am very unphotogenic which really doesn’t help me like them any better and so i do not very often take any. 

Look a little closer at my photograph, can you tell that i hate myself and cannot bear to look in a mirror? Did you know i used to be fat and that even though im now a size 10 i cannot look in a mirror without focusing on those areas where i still carry that excess weight? I fight an ongoing battle to keep it down and feel a real hatred for myself in those times when my emotional eating wins out over my dieting. I do not think anyone who has always been slim can possibly understand how hard a battle it is to win and even when you do you still have not won the war. Right now is one of those times. I was looking in the mirror today and felt an overwhelming disgust at myself and even calling myself names did not make it better.  I am struggling to lose the few pounds i have gained almost to a point of standstill and this just makes me hate myself more for being greedy and weak. I really envy those people who can eat as they please and never gain a pound whilst i struggle to make my ageing body lose anything at all.

Can you tell from my picture that im a loner? You’d imagine im outgoing and surrounded by friends wouldn’t you and at one point i  really did conform and do the whole friendship circle thing in a bid for acceptance. Strangely i am great in social situations, i’m told i’m very personable and caring and friendly yet oddly i do not often feel the need for the company of others. I am actually one of those people who likes their own company. I honestly think i should be happy if someone asked me to be caretaker of some tiny uninhabited island with only my partner for company. We are by nature social creatures and i know most people find me very odd in my solitary ways. Yet talk to me face to face and i am warm and funny and intelligent and extremely talkative, a pure contradiction in nature. 

Look into my eyes, can you tell i’m a dreamer? Can you tell that i lose myself often in books and films in a bid to find even temporarily those things that are missing in my life? Yet i never watch those happily ever after movies most women seem to love. I cannot bear the sugary tweeness of them and long ago lost the ability to sigh wistfully as some hero goes the extra mile for his girl. I confess in my older years i have become cynical and were it not for the fact that i once experienced that all consuming love i should think it a myth and scornfully dismiss it. Yet dream i do. Of chances missed and paths to take and a world a little better than mine. That i am extremely fortunate in many ways does not elude me and i am mindful to be thankful for what i have whilst quietly allowing myself those moments to dream.

Take another look, can you tell that i had a bad childhood? Would it surprise you to know that i was very unwanted when young and that my parents long ago disappeared from my life? I long ago accepted this and told myself i did not need parents anyway but secretly i confess that sometimes i envy those people with caring parents. Sometimes i wish someone would hug me and say we love you ,are you okay, do you need anything, we miss you. Would you guess that sometimes i just wish someone would miss me and notice that i’m not around. Oh they do, of course they do. When they need something. I channelled all a lifetime of being unwanted into making sure others did not feel the same and became everything for everyone you see and they need me. That’s when they notice. Not because i am me but because they need. Someone did miss me desperately once, i remember so well the feeling. It kind of touches your soul to know that you mean that much to someone that they do not feel complete without you. Between you and me dear readers i miss that, i hate admitting it but if i’m honest i do. It’s so touching to feel wanted. 

So look at me again. What do you imagine that i like? What do you think makes me smile, cry, scared or happy? Would you imagine for one minute that i’m a geek? That i love Tudor and WWII history. Would you guess that i coo over WWII war planes in the same way that i coo over my teddy bear collection? Can you tell that i love sci fi and war films and am totally at odds in interests to my very feminine looks and manner. Could you tell i always wanted a train set when i was young yet never got one or that i love to hike into the hills and watch the world go by especially on windy days? Did you know that i love storms and the rain yet im afraid of deep water and heights. I can watch any amount of surgery on tv even whilst eating my dinner, a fact which disgusts my children and i love to people watch. Would you know that i love all kinds of music from rock to pop yet if i have to choose one piece of music that stirs me i should choose Samuel Barbers Adagio for strings. I love that piece of music, it really gets me every time i listen to it yet nobody would imagine me to be a classical music kind of girl. I guess i have a very old fashioned soul inside that i do not often set free. 

Sometimes i feel guilty when i let little bits of me show. I feel like i am being selfish and should conform a little more to meet their needs rather than mine and so i do. I conform. I only let my happier personality out and keep anything else inside where it is safe and where i do not need to bother people with my thoughts and issues and those quirks that make me different. I guess perhaps i am a casualty of my own solitary nature, you tend to internalise a lot rather than sharing your inner thoughts with others. I know that i am a good person, i am by nature caring and compassionate yet i am whimsical and unusual and i was once told i am very deep.I never did ask what they meant but i should like to think they intended it to mean i have hidden depths.

 I like to help people and i like to feel needed to some degree. It makes me feel like i matter and that people notice i am around, even if not for the ways i would wish it. Perhaps i am too much of a dreamer and i have an unrealistic view of some personal utopia. Always seeming to elude me and forever keeping me dreaming. 

I think too much. Did you know that? Always thinking, always analysing anways practical and i know given the chance i should have made a good counsellor as i hoped i could have been. Still i use my skills on those around me and it makes me feel good to help even if it is only for a little while. 

Look at my photograph. Perhaps some day if you are ever looking at it you shall not need to wonder who i am or what i thought and dreamed. You may never know me but perhaps i shall not be such a stranger after all for i am just me behind a smiling image but i am me and this is just a little glimpse into the girl behind the anecdotes, funny stories and strong opinions.

I’m Amanda and it’s very nice to meet you. 

Just amanda