On a whim and a prayer

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I knew today was going to be one of those days.

I knew it the minute i woke up at the wrong end of the bed, nose to nose with a teddy bear that shouldn’t have been there.  I knew it the minute i tripped over my over long pyjamas as i crawled out of bed and i knew it the minute i fell over the cat whilst making my coffee.  No surprise then that as i emerged from the kitchen blearily clutching my coffee i should pause in the lounge and frown at my surroundings.  My family would groan and hurtle me speedily up the stairs on seeing this look for they know very well what it means.

Amanda is going to rearrange the furniture again. 

I do this often, i have no idea why but i will be seized by a sudden compulsion rearrange a room and make it different from before. Okay so its still the same items in the same room but it’s different. At least i tell myself it is.  

So in full grip of room change fever i abandoned my coffee and started rolling up the rug to the glee of the cat who decided this was a very good game indeed. 

”Get OUT of there!” i grumbled, as the cat tried madly to wriggle into the middle as i rolled it carefully across the room.  My reply was a swish of the tail as monster moggie disappeared head first from sight.  My cat is a little horror you see. If she is not supposed to touch it then she will deliberately do so, everything is a toy and i mean everything and i cannot move without her skipping like a pint sized kangaroo between my feet. 

”Oh stay there then” i tutted ”PLEASE behave just for 5 minutes!”

Hauling at one side of the sofa my feet skidded from under me and i landed in a heap on my bottom to the delight of the newly emerged cat who launched like a tiger at my hair which for some reason she is always trying to eat. 

”Get OFF me you furball!” 

Now my sofa is a very big, very very heavy leather one and although i am definitely no lightweight it is still rather a hefty weight to move. Retrieving my posterior from the floor i hauled again at the sofa and succeeded in moving it some way away from the wall. A cascade of coloured balls scattered across my feet as i dragged it leaving me rolling my eyes at the cat who was, as usual, in the way. 

”So thats where all of your toys went” i sighed kicking them sideways across the floor. The cat was ecstatic and hurtled across the room after them before returning to drop one particularly bright sphere at my feet. My cat thinks she is a dog you see and loves nothing better than a game of ‘fetch’ . Rarely is she seen without some kind of coloured ball in her mouth and my house is littered with the offending items. She has however, the most annoying habit of always chasing them either under the sofa or instead under the television cabinet from where they have to be regularly rescued. Another tug on the sofa brought forth more coloured balls and i reached down and picked up as many as i could before throwing them across the room. A furry head shot up, ears like radar swivelling to find the source of the sound before the cat bounds at speed to see what is going on. Bumps and bangs from the hallway as she chases first one coloured ball and then another whilst i swiftly take advantage of her absence to haul again at the massive sofa. 

”Move darn you, MOVE” i muttered, hauling madly before crashing drunkenly into a large bookcase. Yes definitely one of those days as the bookcase wobbled and the contents tumbled out onto the floor. 

”Its your fault” i growled at an image of Liam Neeson on the front of a dvd case.  Scooping up the contents i dumped them on the now mid room sofa before hauling at the large bookcase to move it out of the way. 

PING

Yes definitely one of those days as i tugged too hard and the entire back detached itself from the teetering carcass sending the remainder of the dvds in a great wave across the floor. The cat returns, ball in mouth and drops it besides the dvds before deciding this must be some new game and skitters her way across the offending items. 

”Get OFF there” 

The cat was not amused and stares balefully at me before scampering after the string on my pyjamas as i am picking up the mess. 

”WILL you get off that you furry fiend, go and play!! PLEASE”

Of course she didnt and my shadow followed me closely as i went in search of some tools to repair the now very sorry for itself item of furniture. Firmly between my feet we performed a now familiar ballet as i tried to make my way across the room with supplies in tow and the cat doggedly following with customary ever present ball . Probably a bad idea then to place the items on the floor for within seconds the cat had stealthily crept up to investigate. Holding pieces of wood together with one hand i turned and groped for the screwdriver, finding nothing as i fished blindly around. I could have sworn i had brought it with me and fished around again. No screwdriver.  I had, of course, brought it with me and further investigation saw the screwdriver disappearing as if by magic around the foot of the stairs. Who else but the cat, who now was frantically trying to drag the new toy up the stairs in her mouth. Realising she was caught she flattened herself upon the stair and swished her tail at me for taking away her prize. 

Much tugging and hauling later i had furniture rearranged with much hampering from the cat who was definitely enjoying this new playtime as she dangled merrily from the tv aerial i was trying resignedly to reattach to the sky box to no avail. Moving the cabinet to reach better i heard suspicious slurping noises leading me to look inside to see the now prostrate cat chewing contentedly at another as yet unconnected length of cable. 

”Oh for goodness sake will you just leave things alone!” I exclaimed frustratedly batting at the ever present cat who was most reluctant to be prised away from her chomping. 

Swiping madly at the cable as i moved it across the room she valiantly tried to thwart my every attempt to reconnect the offending item. As usual only one respite from catzilla and i threw a ball across the room for the want to be canine to retrieve which right on cue she did. It is amazing how swiftly you can move when needs be and i hastily did the necessary repairs before the return of my furry nemesis. Hindered and plagued every step of the way by this shadow of mine i hauled and heaved and rearranged to my hearts content before deciding a compensatory coffee was a suitable reward. As i paused sometime later, cup in hand, in the doorway of my smallest bedroom my mid whirred as yet another urge to rearrange seized me. Almost on cue the cat sidles to my side and sits down before looking expectantly at me. 

No, then again perhaps not.

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I want one of these!!

So recently i told you all about unwanted attention i am getting at the gym. Well today this escalated to the point where one guy got so in my face that i actually injured myself and to say i was angry was putting it mildly. I rarely get angry, it actually takes a lot to get that kind of a rise out of me but this guy managed it. To my credit i actually avoided erupting like some long dormant volcano but oh i was angry. I think the worst thing was he persisted even AFTER i had told him quite plainly i have a partner after which he still needed to clarify whether it was a serious relationship or not. Ummmm well i’m not doing it for a joke dumbass!!

Actually i would never actually say that even if my brain let me down and thought it for i am well mannered and ladylike and this is not seemly behaviour. But when relating the tale to friends and fellow  fitness pals one did make me laugh when she sent me a link to the perfect cure to all my problems.

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I WANT this t-shirt!! Were it not for the fact it is from America you could bet your life i would be handing over my card details as we speak and purchasing one of these little gems. Of course i am assuming here that these guys are literate and can actually decipher the less than cryptic message on the front of it. 

Either way it gave me a good chuckle and at least it seems i am not the only one with this problem. Perhaps the only thing that worries me is i am still not at my ideal and i worry what will happen when i have the body i am dreaming of. Perhaps i need to develop more of an attitude, not very me at all but we shall see. 

Invasion of the bodysnatchers

Sooooooooo you’re all expecting a post about the movie right?? Some far out musings of a science fiction nature?? Alas i am afraid you are going to be very disappointed, no aliens (almost) , no sci fi, no mind blowing action. Just a panda who isn’t a panda today.

I have been body snatched. Seriously!!

Its not meant to be obvious, i  look the same and i sound the same but little things will start to give themselves away that i am not really me after all. 6.30am was the start of the clues when the real me would tumble out of bed, stagger in the direction of the scales which would be duly cursed at before heading for morning ablutions. Pretend me opened  one eye, semi registered the time of 8am (see a giveaway, late already) before pulling the covers over my head and burying my face in the pillow. I have no idea what pretend me has been up to for the battery tanks are totally empty and the fuel gauge flashing a warning red. Personally i think they had to replace me in a hurry and didn’t get time to do an overnight charge, everyone knows new electricals need a 16hour charge before use right??

At this point real me would be gaining inspiration from an episode of The Biggest Loser whilst downing breakfast and pre gym coffee but pretend me was still face down in the pillow daydreaming and refusing to move. At least they got one thing right for real me can’t ever go back to sleep once awake and nor it seems can replacement me. Score one on the design front then! Swiftly followed by yet another glaringly obvious mistake since by 10am real me would have transformed into gym ninja and be happily bouncing along the road to the blaring tunes courtesy of Lifehouse, already planning the two hour gym session and humming tunelessly. 

Poor imitation me (i think they shop at Poundland) is slithering from the bed into a heap on the floor and absently noticing a long lost shoe from my unusually floor prone position before crawling in the direction of the smallest room in the house. You’d think they’d have had a little more design etiquette and done away with this tiresome necessity but perhaps there just was no time. Two coffees later (another glaring error) and replacement me is nibbling half heartedly on a rich tea biscuit having skipped breakfast entirely and disinterestedly surveying the prairie outside my back doors and musing the possibility of pretending to be a pioneer for the day. Admittedly the neighbours might stare if i skip outside in a long calico dress and a bonnet and start hitching up a wagon but hey i’m bodysnatched right??

Too much of a giveaway?? Maybe.

So while the real me is killing up in some alien gym somewhere, my other self is floating around on the internet and wondering whether to volunteer to help out my alter ego with a spot of housework. She seems to be pretty tidy this other me so i decide to leave well alone until i am more familiar with the way she works after all if i am to be her i have to act like her right. Still she has quite a few photographs of some good looking guy on her computer which i would rather look at that do her housework if i am honest. Perhaps this bodysnatching thing might be fun after all!! 

I must be very careful and not do anything too out of the ordinary for her since this will be sure to be noticed. Common sense tells me that perhaps hiding out here for reconnaissance purposes will be most adviseable at this point in time so for now i am going to lay low and survey my position. Stay tuned for further installments on the invasion of the bodysnatchers and be alert for we are everywhere. You never know when we might come for YOU!!

The perils of not paying attention

 Well day three and back to the gym we go, rain drizzling madly as usual as we trudged along the road. The thought of hitting the gym on a saturday was pretty daunting, for my love handles and i were not ready to encounter the guys just yet and they held on firmly to the door frame wailing ‘ pleeeease don’t make me go in!!’  Dear daughter and i had figured that most guys would be there on a saturday afternoon and pre lunch we would be safe….WRONG!! The gym was busy, very busy and apart from some cobweb delicate little waiflet who looked like a puff of wind would blow her away we were the only girls. 

Great, time to pull the stomach in and walk slowly so the wobbly bits dont start shouting ‘LOOK MA I’M A JELLY!!’  Okay so i’m not that bad but it does make you kind of paranoid working out in a gym full of perfect bodies when youre more Bridget Jones than Beyonce, trust me. Just then dear daughter hisses really loudly ‘MUM there’s that guy that stares at you in town’…….. oh goody!! Yes this particular guy always catches my eye in town whenever i see him and i’m nice i say hello but do i want him watching me work out?…erm NO!!

Ten minutes later firmly ensconced upon the treadmill dear daughter was gloomily prodding her lower stomach bewailing its size whilst i pinched the spare wobble under my derriere to keep her company reassuring her she was not the only one. A muffled snort followed as dear daughter stage whispers ‘mum that guys eyebrows just shot up and he smirked like crazy when you did that’ Okay comedy moment followed i blushed furiously, lost my composure and kicked the front of the treadmill causing me to wobble and sail backwards flailing wildly. Just managing to jump onto the sides before i fell off i collapsed into giggles as did the young guy behind me who had clearly thought it a moment worthy of You’ve been framed’  Luckily i am not one to be so easily embarrassed so i had no qualms about getting back on but that will teach me to keep my concentration in future. 

I guess we are lucky where we live for the gym is quite small and everyone very friendly, the guys more than happy to make room for the girls and offer advice if we need it. Still bewailing the less than perfection of her stomach dear daughter enlists the aid of the very helpful trainer to advise on exercise and issue the most golden moment of the day. Eyeing her up and down he glanced at her middle and said ‘oh just had a baby have you?’

SILENCE

Well dear daughter has never had children and the furiously indignant look on her face would be guaranteed to turn any man to stone. Admittedly the only thing he could’ve said that was worse is ‘ARE you pregnant’ Yes and panda brain instantly had images of the trainer shrunk to 3 inches high running around in circles screeching ‘I’M SORRY!!’ in a high pitched voice. Protesting loudly that he was a ‘cheeky sod’ she indignantly enlightened him to the fact she is infact childless, which escalated further when very helpful trainer unabashedly announces that usually only women with children have kangaroo pouches. Oh dear, he would have been most wise to stop talking right about then.

I really shouldn’t laugh but as i said before dear daughter is most funny when in a mood and her disgruntled diatribe continued long after we had reached home. Still going some time later i had to sympathise somewhat with almost son in law as he stood in hesitant confusion wondering what to say and perhaps was wisest of all in remaining quiet. As evening rolled in and my arm muscles screamed in protest i pondered starvation as even the effort of lifting a cup proved difficult then reassured myself it will all be worth it…..eventually.

If you think about it…..

                                              Sometimes i think too much. Sometimes i’m too dreamy…

Sometimes on nights like tonight i sit and i think, even when i’m trying not to and as much as i try and distract myself with other things, it makes no difference at all. 

Sometimes on nights like tonight i sit and think, and even when i tell my head to stop it doesn’t listen at all and those things just keep on coming, winding their way in there and taking over. 

Sometimes on nights like tonight i think about someone and i realise how much i miss them, but of course i can’t tell them that so i try and pretend i dont. But i do……And i know what youre thinking about what i’m thinking but you see youre wrong…

Sometimes on nights like tonight i sit and try not to think and it’s all so quiet, the clock moves so slowly and i just sit and watch it and will it to move faster just to see if it will. But of course it doesn’t.

Sometimes on nights like tonight i sit and try not to think and read the same page over and over again because nothing sinks in, i’m too busy trying not to think the things i’m thinking you see.

Sometimes on nights like this i realise that however much i like my own company, sometimes you can be alone just a little too much and then you just end up thinking about thinking. 

Sometimes on nights like tonight i don’t feel like i’m real but merely a spectator watching myself doing things i have no control over at all and then i think im just a little bit strange for thinking such a thing. 

Sometimes on nights like this i sit and try not to think because if you think about it some things are probably better when you just dont think about them at all 

Sometimes on nights like this i sit and think about the fact i think too much about thinking about things i really dont want to think about and then i really do think that i should just stop thinking at all.

And then i make myself laugh and its all okay again..but just think if it wasnt!! 

Diary of a sleepless hamster

Toothache.

Pretty much all of us have had it at some time or other right?? Too much candy, childhood slapdash teeth brushing and the cavities appear. Still through my grown up years i’d gotten pretty good at looking after my pearly whites and for the most part came out of the dentists pretty pleased with myself needing little more than the old polish. Until along came the appearance of wisdom teeth and one at the bottom put a dirty great crack in the tooth next to it trying to make room to come through.

Waking some days later in the middle of the night yowling in pain as my whole jaw felt like it was going to explode i staggered out of bed and hurtled in the direction of the medicine box for pain relief. Maybe i have some weird immune system because an hour later these were having no effect despite the fact i never usually take them and i had resorted to holding my pillow to my face rocking backwards and forwards and wailing into it.No, there is no scientific reason why this should work but it helps a little as does sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating ‘it doesnt hurt, it doesn’t hurt’ whilst walking round in circles. Honest!!

I did try sticking my fingers in my ears and humming but it wasnt as effective i kept losing concentration and humming the wrong song!! By 8am and still awake i would’ve been quite happy to do my own dentistry and yank the thing out myself but intead howled down the phone to an appropriately sympathetic secretary.Some time later i dutifully trotted off to the dentist heart going pitter patter all the way despite my best attempts to drown it out with Lifehouse blaring out on my ipod. 

Yes like many i am absolutely petrified of the dentist, i have no idea why but i am!! So sitting outside the dentists office humming to myself, wincing at the distant sound of a drill and calmly repeating in my head..you cant hear that..no no you can’t hear that la la la you cant hear that. Trying desperately to breath through my mouth so as not to breath in the dentists smell and all the while my heart is going pitty patter..thump thump thump…..THUMP!! Now my dentist is lovely, very sympathetic and to her credit did not laugh when i shot out of the chair and hurtled across the room screeching DONT TOUCH IT!!’ after she asked if she could have a look. I guess she is used to the me type of patients because she put down that evil little hook they stab your teeth with and promised to be careful. Ten minutes later with diagnosis of abcess and root canal echoing in my ears i again shot out of the chair very quickly blurting ”prescription please” when offered the choice of drilling and dressing or prescription antibiotics and another appointment. 

So one day later and one very sleepless night filled with more yowling into a pillow and wearing circular patterns in the carpet and i resemble a mad hamster. My tooth feels like it is the size of a small red hot melon into my mouth and i have taken the wise decision to avoid all human contact for everyones safety since i have the tendency to growl in pain like any wounded animal. Were i to hop up and down i am most sure i should rattle like a bag of marbles due to the vast array of various medications languishing in various states of decay within my stomach. 

So as bedtime draws closer i swallow another dose of medication and pray for a better nights sleep and just incase i’m practising a new song and debating adding hamster food to my weekly shop. As the words of a poem from my childhood echo in my ears i cant help but smile as i leave you with Pam….

OH, I WISH I’D LOOKED AFTER MY TEETH
by
Pam AyresOh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth,
And spotted the perils beneath,
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food,
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.I wish I’d been that much more willin’
When I had more tooth there than fillin’
To pass up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers
And to buy something else with me shillin’.

When I think of the lollies I licked,
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My Mother, she told me no end,
“If you got a tooth, you got a friend”
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin’
And pokin’ and fussin’
Didn’t seem worth the time… I could bite!

If I’d known I was paving the way,
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fiIlin’s
Injections and drillin’s
I’d have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lay in the old dentist’s chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine,
In these molars of mine,
“Two amalgum,” he’ll say, “for in there.”

How I laughed at my Mother’s false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath,
But now comes the reckonin’
It’s me they are beckonin’
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.

div

Spiders, heartbeats and the speed of an Olympic Panda

For someone who hates water i admit i turn into somewhat of a mermaid when it comes to my bath. You can keep your showers for me it has to be a very very deep, very bubbly bath. I’m definitely lucky there because my bath is quite large and if i bend my knees i can lie right down in it.

Call me strange but when i need to relax i lie there with just my face sticking out of the water, close my eyes and listen to my heartbeat. Did you know you can hear your heart beating under water?? Well you can..try it and see!!

So evening comes and i’m doing my usual listen to my heartbeat routine and i admit i do stay there for quite a while getting horrid prune like fingers but i can never quite summon up the will to drag my waterlogged behind out of the bath. Humming merrily and totally out of tune i have no idea why but something prompted me to open my eyes.

 

Oh then did i holler, for sitting teeth gnashing right above my nose was a HUGE tarantula. Now i know you’re all going to say spiders don’t have teeth and it probably wasn’t a tarantula since i live in England but hey this wasn’t your nose this blood thirsty arachnid was wickedly hovering above. This thing was big and i mean BIG!!

Anyone who tells you pandas cant run, its a lie!! With a speed that would’ve put Linford Christie to shame and a maneuver  that should’ve guaranteed me a place on the Olympic high jump team i shot out of my lovely bubble bath shrieking like a banshee. I hate spiders, typical woman i know but i’m terrified of them and whilst i would never hurt one it doesnt mean i want them within a hundred mile radius.

Normally i’m quite smug for if i catch one scuttling across my floor i plonk a glass over it and then slide something under the glass to keep it in whilst i hurtle for the door and run right to the top of next doors garden to get rid of it. Seriously you don’t think i’m fool enough to put it in mine do you??

Well suffice it to say there was no way i was getting back in that bath so i crept closer and slammed the bathroom door shut, dashing for the safety of my bedroom dripping soap bubbles as i went. Fleetingly i wondered what i was going to do when i needed to pee for nothing on earth could prompt me into the bathroom with a man eating spider in residence!! 

Two hours later frantic crossing of my legs was not helping the fact i needed to go and there was nothing for it but to brave the bathroom so i tiptoed upstairs and eased open the door heart hammering nineteen to the dozen. Trust me i’d have spotted that spider from fifty feet so alert was i, but worriedly on seeing nothing i scanned the ceiling wondering where it had gone.

Inching closer my heart almost stopped in relief for there floating on top of the water quite dead was the spider. Dead or not my hand was definitely not going into the water and i sped downstairs for a kitchen utensil and gingerly hooked the chain of the plug, yanking it out. Yes i was still terrified almost as though i expected it to suddenly arise from the dead saying ‘ah fooled you’

Still frantically crossing my legs i willed the water to drain faster for i’m sorry was not taking any chances and being caught with my trousers down when super spider decided to resurrect itself. Nervously i held my breath as the water drained then wailed in disbelief when spider stuck firmly in the plug hole ( i told you it was big!! ) Well there’s only so long a bladder can hold before you really have to go so there was nothing for it but to grab a toothbrush and quickly poke it through the hole.

Definitely wise i speedily rammed the plug into the hole before dumping the bathroom bin on top and dashing for the loo. Needless to say i dont close my eyes any more when i lie down in the water. I dont want to be caught napping when mommy spider comes looking for revenge!!

conversations of an unusual nature

okay i confess i have gone entirely and utterly mad. perhaps working with dementia is affecting me for it has come to the stage that shopping in Tesco’s i am actually answering the talking checkout as if this were a perfectly normal everyday thing to do. Now i may have been a little rude but i did say this under my breath so as not to offend the little electronic beings sensibilities. 

okay first item scanned..

CHECKOUT…please place the item in the bagging area ( i comply)

CHECKOUT..unexpected item in bagging area

ME…no its not you just told me to put it in there!!! (shop assistant rectifies the problem) 

CHECKOUT…please scan your next item

ME…I am, i am calm down

CHECKOUT…please place the item in the bagging area……unexpected item in bagging area

ME...well stop telling me to put it in there then!! (shop assistant comes over again)

CHECKOUT…please scan your club card….please scan your club card…please scan your club card

ME( hunting through handbag)….hang on hang on im getting it!! lord have a little patience for once tut!!

CHECKOUT…please take your items…please take your items..please take your items

ME( chasing a rogue apple across the floorwell i’m hardly going to leave it here am i stupid *!$*

oh dear more time spent in intelligent conversation needed i think!! maybe its time to lie down 😛Image

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